19 January 2008


oh, weekend nights. got to love 'em. we scrape by all week - managing, tolerating - and then when the weekend arrives it's a veritable free-for-all cage match, a battle royale, full-fledged wwf style (and i don't mean world wildlife fund).

sometimes i can tell when a battle is brewing. sometimes there is just something in the air, as early as wednesday or thursday, where i can just tell that the weekend is going to be a bust and i might as well pack up and head for the parentals. sometimes it drops on me on a friday afternoon, in spite of the fact that i think maybe - just maybe - this will be the weekend that is different.

yesterday was that kind of friday. we'd tussled a bit on thursday night, nothing out of the ordinary, and then yesterday afternoon it started. he's going out with his friends. seriously, i don't care. i really don't. but i care when he calls and texts me all night long and tells me how much more important they are than i am; how their opinions matter more to him than mine; and how i'll never matter as much as they do. sometimes i get to hear how much he doesn't need or want me. sometimes he tells me he's leaving. and sometimes it's just so incoherent that i can't make out what he's telling me.

some of this belligerence comes from drinking. because the bee is a motherfucker when he drinks. and drinking is all he and his friends do. but drinking gives him the courage to say things to me that he's not otherwise able to say and sometimes i wonder how much of his tirades are true.

last night was different in that i didn't hear from him from after his call around 3 o' clock in the afternoon. all evening long, my phone (as far as he was concerned) was quiet. he came home from a "few beers" around 1 a.m. and proceeded to scream at me for about 15 minutes. about how mad he is at me, about how he's treated like shit and all he does is give and try, about how we don't have sex like we used to - on and on and on... at one point, in all his flailing and pointing, i seriously thought he might hit me. not long after that, he stopped talking, slammed the bedroom door and passed out on the sofa.

i couldn't sleep after that. i was pretty much awake all night, which means today is going to be a great day. i don't know if i want to go home tonight, but i don't have a lot of options. i didn't pack a bag this morning.

i don't know what to do.

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