The obligatory resolutions post

I've spent all day thinking about resolutions and what I'm going to write here. It began as a short list, manageable, both in writing and in life, and then like most things, I started to overthink it. It began to grow and soon I was giving it categories and planning a multi-day post about how this year was going to be my year. It dawned on me that I'd probably spend the entire month of January writing about how I was going to change my life and I wouldn't actually be starting until February.

Oh dear.

I want the same things most people want: I want to be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend, person. I want to cook more and eat in restaurants less. I want to put my new stand-up mixer to good use. I want to be more patient, more organized, less forgetful, less stressed. I want to spend less, save more, and still have the things we need on a daily basis. I want to lose weight. I'd like to read more, watch better movies (but still watch Twilight two or three times a week for my Robert Pattinson fix), hear new music, hear live music, get out of the house regularly, grow out my hair (or maybe cut it even shorter, I'm undecided on this one), take more (and better) pictures, clip my toenails more often, clip my boys' toenails more often, clean more but have to do it less often, win the lottery...

Wait, this is resolutions not wishes. Sorry.

But you can see where I'm going with this. So this year, I resolve to make no official resolutions. I'm just going to be me, only better.

As if that's even possible. (Heheheh...)

i'm going to be how old?

the holidays have come and gone. and i for one, am cheerfully escorting them out the door and opening the car door for them, even if it is 15 below zero this evening. because the end of the holidays means that we can get on with everyday life. and that will be a nice change. although, the end of the holidays and the beginning of everyday life means that shortened days at work and holiday schedules are coming to an end. and there's very little i like better than being paid for not working. because i am pretty darn good at it.

so i was doing some thinking earlier. i was thinking about how i spent last new year's and how miserable i was. i was making decisions i knew were wrong, just to be making some sort of decisions, to feel like i had some sort of control. the sad thing was, i knew at the time i was making mistakes. but i guess i had to hit absolute rock bottom before i could come to terms with that. it was an interesting year, at the very least. and i'm happy to see it go.

i spent my new year's day cleaning. this is a small apartment and cleaning doesn't usually take too long, but today i mopped and swept and did all the laundry. i even got the bee to help with the vacuuming; i wasn't aware he knew where the vacuum was, let alone how to turn it on. it took a few hours, but it smells so good in here; it was absolutely worth it.

the bee rubbed my stomach today; i sort of felt like a buddha. according to the books, this week it actually starts taking the shape of a baby and not so much a tadpole. i guess there are some perks to the whole pregnant belly thing, and they don't include being pinched and fondled by nigel. it'll be nice to have pretty much a built-in tv tray for a few months. and i'll always have a place to put my hands when i'm feeling fidgety. so far i've been lucky enough to avoid most of the morning sickness. there was just one day last week when i really felt like i was going to vomit before i even got out of bed. and i seriously thought i might have been dying; that was the worst. but most of my issues just come after eating or if i get too hungry or if there are smells i can't stand. but i'm doing okay.

okay, so my new year's resolutions are in order. i've come up with a few things i'd like to change or do. this year i'm going to work on being honest with the bee. i know i expect a lot from him, i expect him to just know what i'm thinking and that's not right. so i'm going to try to be honest about what i'm feeling when i'm feeling it and not playing the mind games with him anymore.

another resolution i'm going to try to keep is for baby. as of today, all the change that goes in the fish jar will remain there for baby. it's baby's college fund. because baby needs to go to college and not have the debt load that i have. even though when baby is ready for college (in 2026, omg! i'm going to be going on 50 years old, omg, omg, omg...) the price of a secondary education will be in the bazillions and my fish jar savings account will barely cover the cost of the meal plan at state u.

holy crap, that's kind of depressing.

anyway. i'm going to go to bed. it's absolutely freezing in here (i wasn't joking about that 15 below thing). i hope your new year's was good and safe.

love,
superjanel

a resolute determination is the truest wisdom*

it's that time of year again. everyone is making a list of their new year's resolutions. i generally don't buy into that - they never materialize. nothing ever comes of them. it's like an excuse to fail at a goal. and it's not just me, we're an entire nation of resolution failures. we're a nation with no resolve: all sorts of things we'd like to change about ourselves, our lives but no commitment to make it better.

its pretty sad, if you think about it. these are things that no one (generally, no one) is asking you to change about yourself; these are things that you know need attention and you want to fix. but in a few months' time, or even just a few days or hours, we tumble down the rabbit hole and back into our old ways.

i'm just as guilty. in fact, instead of setting resolutions for myself, i like to set them for other people. i feel like less of a failure that way and i can blame someone else when things go amok.

but this year is different. this year i have to grow up. i can't be the same irresponsible person i've been for the last 27 years; i have to be an adult and sooner or later i'm going to have to be a parent. i guess what i'm trying to say is that this year, i would like to have resolve enough to accomplish something that i want to do, that i want to change about me. i'd like to be able to take a flaw and improve upon it.

you can collectively shut your mouths. yes, i just admitted i'm not perfect.

but it's not much of a resolution just to be more resolute. so as soon as i think of something that i'd like to improve upon, i'll let you know. no seriously, i'll think of something between now and monday night.

i promise.

(*ps - napoleon said that; i can't take credit for it.)