if i had a monkey i would name him boris.

but i don't have a monkey. i have a cat. and his name is not boris, but sometimes i think if i said it in the right tone of voice he'd still come a-runnin'. here, boris, boris, boris...

it's been a quiet few days. i didn't do a single thing all weekend, which was kind of nice. i'm harboring a small addiction to peanut butter malts, which are dangerous in just about any quantity.

oh! i got a sofa! and a chair! yay me! yay for my mom, she was feeling pretty sorry for me. it's nice and comfy; i've already slept on it twice. it's brown and the chair is blue, and you might be thinking to yourself that i must have lost my mind and in most cases i'd agree with you but this looks nice. the pillows completely pull it together. ask lou. or roberto. roberto and i moved it inside my apartment - third floor and all - which was harder than i thought it was going to be. i thought i was going to suffocate and die in the process but i persevered. and now i have a sofa and a place to watch the office on thursday nights. or friday mornings. and a place to watch foozball on sunday night. and sportscenter everynight. that makes me happy. but whatever.

so i had to go to the doctor on friday and i wasn't thrilled with the outcome. i didn't know doctors prescribed religion, but i keep hearing that finding a religion will do me well. i don't know how i feel about that. i think i only want to go to church if i can sit alone and not have to participate or talk. and if that's the case, i can do that at home. in my pj's. but i don't know. i'm seriously considering it but there's little i won't consider right now. in addition to a prescription for church she also gave me something to help me sleep. because i'm not sleeping. except this makes me sleep really, really deeply, like even more deep than a nyquil induced coma and i feel all groggy and weird when i wake up. i think i'll just stick to nyquil. or benadryl.

my best good work friend got fired. the only allegation was regarding a small amount of "missing" funds from the redheaded stepchild of an airline we inherited against our will. if that's the case, we all need to be fired for "misappropriating" money. the real slap in the face is two fold for him, here. first off, no one seems to be interested in this ongoing drama anymore; few people have asked me what happened and how he's doing. i don't know if they're avoiding me and this subject in particular or if they're avoiding the subject all together. the second kick in the teeth comes in the form of my upgrade, if you will, from parttime to fulltime. i've been given his schedule, days off and all. no longer will i work the measly 1500-1900 shift i bid just a few weeks ago. nope. i've moved up in the world to a 1030-1900 shift, which will have several higher-seniority folks up in arms, as that shift was supposedly spoken for if my friend did not return. ahh well. sucks to be them. :D

roberto and i are venturing to the big city of chicago this week. thursday we're going to ord to visit the field museum because he needs a cultural trip for a paper for school. which is funny because he's planning on flunking out - flunking out as opposed to dropping out so that he doesn't have to begin repayment on his student loans immediately. smart boy. i'm sure that the trip will also include a trip to a shoe store. i love chicago. ooh. i can get a watch. yay me!

i burned my tongue on hot chocolate tonight and my mouth feels all weird, prolly because i don't have any tastebuds left.

i'm doing laundry at 0100. my neighbors must love me.

i've fallen hard

i quit. those things that are beyond me - they're just that. there's nothing i can do to control other people, to change what they do or say. what i can change is how i let it affect me. and i'm done. you can be my friend or you can bat for the other team. i'm going to be okay either way. i have people that care about me and will help me. it's that "forest for the trees" thing. sometimes i can't see what's right in front of me. sometimes you just have to wave your hands and yell to get my attention.

i'm feeling pretty low right now. granted, some of this is self induced, self inflicted, no one's fault but mine. those are the issues i can fix. everything else is out of my control. i'm tired of the drama. i know who's toxic to my wellbeing - i know who's good for me and who's not. now i just need to convince my heart that what's happening is happening for a good reason.

i'm going to be okay. time will help. time and ice cream. :D

you've got a lot of nerve

i got the most interesting tidbit of information today, from my mom, of all people.

apparently, there are several things being said in relation to the demise of me and eddy.

apparently, everyone's got the scoop and the "scoop" in one story is related to a close family friend, which just disgusts the hell out of me on several levels. the real truth, the real story, is no where near as interesting as those that are being fabricated, which is why people are making up their own versions of reality.

how fantastic it must be to be delusional on a daily basis!

now i'm not stupid, i know that people are going to talk. and i suppose to some - some that are ignorant and small-minded - this makes for good conversation. the bothersome aspect to this story is that the source is related to a place of significance to both eddy and i, which just goes to show that you just can't trust anyone anywhere anymore. in fact, the more that i think about it, it sort of makes sense. wives and significant others that disappeared from the scene were cussed and discussed just about as much as the previous week's results. sad but true. i know this because i used to partake in such conversations. the difference is that people that i know are still attached to this "place" - so eventually the story runs the gamut and i get to hear. lucky me.

so.

so.

i can't help but assume that a person i thought i could trust, a person that i thought i could talk to, is behind some of this. if not the blatant fabricating of information, then at least the continuation of such slander. it's my fault for opening my mouth, i know, i know, i know. once again, color me stupid. i've been burned on this fallacy more than once, and more than once with this person in particular. nothing is sacred to him, most of all honesty, trust and friendship. so i'm glad that you pushed the delete button before i did; i'd have pushed so hard i pushed my goddamn button through my fucking laptop. overreacting? maybe. speaking before thinking? perhaps. but you fucking deserve it, you loud-mouth motherfucker. i'm done. i'm done. i'm done. now i see why you've been dragging this along for so long. questions here, messages there - all this adds to the drama of which you've made yourself the writer, the creator, the producer. i will no longer be a PUPPET to this show.

you're going to have to find a new story.

one that doesn't involve me.

smart move.

this is a good decision but he doesn't have the big bucks for being a moron. 2007 baby!

i can't sleep but i can dream

and what strange dreams they were. i dreamt that i was at the airport, but not at work, and meeting my old friend roger rabbit. apparently he had gone to school at usc and was working as an emt. i don't know why you'd have to go to usc for emt training, but whatever. he wore a baseball cap, which the rabbit didn't do often, and he wore it an angle, similar to a baseball player i used to know. it was adorable. his shirt said something about the florida gators football team. we hugged and he told me how much he had missed me and he thought i was doing the right thing. i just sort of nodded, because even in my dream i realized that it has been a long time since i've talked to him and i was sort of wondering how he knew what was going on. but it was definitely the rabbit - i could smell him, he has smelled the same way since the day i met him in ninth grade. he's always smelled really, really good. and he called me janelley, which he's always done. i was sort of perplexed but so happy to see him i didn't ask any questions. we made our way to a bookstore, upstairs from the terminal. there were lots of people i knew at this bookstore - a lot of them i haven't seen or thought about in a long time. richard nixon was reading from a book, it sounded like poetry. but the rabbit kept walking away from me, faster and faster, and finally he was gone. i couldn't see him in the crowd anymore and i felt really sad. a waitress kept asking me if i wanted something to drink. and then qtknee from work gave me a ride home. and then i woke up.

i wonder what the rabbit is up to these days.

huh?

so tonight. i'm chatting away and driving home after another super long day. i guess i wasn't really paying attention because before i even knew what i was doing, i was on the old way home, to my old home and not my new home. i guess this means it's not going to be as easy as i was hoping it would. generally i would cut through my old neighborhood on my way to pella, but i couldn't bear the thought of seeing my house, my old house, and knowing that someone else lives there. i'm going to have to face it sooner or later but i don't want to do it right now.

i still haven't called b.e. back. note that b.e. is different than f.e. much different. anyway. i still haven't called him like he asked me to, i'm not sure what my hang up is. much of it can be chalked up to working like crazy in the last couple of days. but i'm also not sure of what will come of communication here, and i'm not sure how i want this to play out. there's a lot of things at stake here - a lot of people to consider. i'm not sure i want any responsibility in this situation, this may be too much too soon. but it could just turn out to be a fun sock-starching affair and who's to say that's such a bad thing? i don't know. i have to call before i can really stress about this too much more.

omg. the bears are 5-0. wtf? when did that happen? where have i been?

ahh well. i'm too tired to think right now. i'm going to bed. i don't have to work until 1500 and then i have two days off, two whole days! yay me! :)

aloha mr. hand

last night was a bust, as far as designated drinking was concerned. nigel's freaky ass little brother wouldn't stop following us around, wouldn't take no for an an answer. i ended up leaving around midnight and ended up out at blue eyes' house. i thought that maybe if i saw him sober he wouldn't be as appealing as he is when i'm inebriated. unfortunately, that didn't change. he's still adorable. he wanted me to stay, but that's not kosher. i'm not okay with that at this point. in fact i haven't even called him today like i said i would, like he asked me to. i don't know why. maybe i will tomorrow. idk. it was 330 in the morning and he called to see if i was almost home and to tell me he enjoyed my company. i like the fact that he's considerate that way. it's a nice change. i was supposed to go out again with nigel and bob, but i'm tired and crabby and not in the mood for people. so me and the kittnen are watching fast times at ridgemont high and flipping back and forth between the mets/dodgers and the late model race on speed. boy looks cute. he did a good job. the mets are ahead, currently, which is good. i hate the a's, i hate the dodgers, and i hate, hate, HATE the tigers. i can't believe the yankees got ousted this year...again. i've been reading that steinbrenner may let joe torre go, which i think is asinine, but once again, i'm not often consulted when it comes to decisions like this. if that's the case, i know of a team that's looking for a high profile manager with experience. i'll have to make some calls. hehehehe... so today i slept late, for me, which was nice. i downloaded the office last night, so i watched that and laid in bed until i absolutely had to get up. had lunch with dad and carolyn, jordy and steph. love, love, love, being the fifth wheel. it was great. superb. grand. i followed them to costco and petco, where i ended up with free laundry detergent and cat food, so the whole trip wasn't a bust. then i get home and i've got an odd request from boy, who apparently thinks i'm enough of a loser to stay home on a saturday night, and oddly he's right, except that i'm vcr-retrarded and not able to fulfull his needs. ha. i did make a serious attempt, however, and this should be noted, even if it's not enough to be one-up on the fellow. i even called robert for setup assistance. he was doing homework (OMG) and was not of any help at that time. oh well. i hope boy got my msg and doesn't go rummaging through uugof in the middle of the night because there's nothing there to find. it does make one wonder what would make him call me. hmm... perhaps he's more than 90 percent over our little tiff? idk. but i was willing to record over one of my all-time favorite spongebob marathon video tapes for his race. i hope he understands what a sacrifice i was willing to make in order to help out. friday was an awful day at work and i'm in no mood to return, but i've signed up for 15-hour days tomorrow and monday. there's that "i'm not able to say no, i suck" thing rearing its ugly head again. i wish i could learn to stop that. i'm not even on a relief shift, i'm only supposed to be getting 20 hours a week, i can't survive on that but working 30 hours out of 48 is a little absurd. speaking of work, i don't really know what's up with my best good friend except that he's still not allowed back to work. i don't know if he even knows what's going on, really, except that now he doesn't have to pay for his attorney and anytime you can get out of that expense, that's a good thing. i desparately want to hang up pictures in this place, it's depressing the hell out of me that it looks like a freaking sanitarium - white on white on white on white. boo. i need some color. i need some life in this place. i need to shut the window because my feet are cold. i also need to take out the trash and fold my laundry, because it's surely not going to happen until tuesday. tuesday is food show day at the ice cream store, they're trying out all the new ideas for their pella corp. thing. i heart free food, 'specially when my momma makes it. yum. and i did get the last of the chocolate ice cream - excuse me, double dutch chocolate ice cream - of the season. it's sitting in my freezer. perhaps i need some ice cream. there's no funk ice cream can't solve. :D mets are still winning. woot! so i got a phone call from eddy a few days ago. i hear things are going swell for eddy so far in kc - swell to the tune of a 10k plus sale on day one. and that's great. but don't call and tell me to put things in motion when you're the one to move away and make paperwork difficult. so there. that's all i have to say about that. bottom of the ninth, mets are going to take this one. sweet balls. i just can't believe the yankees are out again. this is depressing. notice i don't even mention my cubbies, they just suck beyond belief. grrr. blue eyes is a hawkeye fan, i mean huge hawkeye fan. his living room was fever pitch-esque, only black and gold as opposed to red and white. i don't think he's much of a baseball fan though. sad. i watched the iowa game today while dad and carolyn and jorge discussed what he needs for his birthday. i told dad that he really wants his sister to have a sofa but it didn't work. i really don't want to go to work tomorrow. but i guess i need to pay rent. i'd like to have two whole days off this week. i'm going to try to actually take my days off, i'll have 40 hours plus by tuesday. then i can have birthday dinner on wednesday and some good sleep. mets won. yay. i finished lolita tonight. what a book. what a fabulous description of a warped relationship. the story itself was a little predictable until the halfway point, but the verbal imagery was incredible. what a book. okay. sleep. have to back to work sometime and that requires sleep. all my chores are done. hopefully i can sleep. i've not been sleeping well. the cat is all over me at night, he's sad, i can tell. speaking of critters, mom says that my dog is doing well at gram's house. that's good. he needs constant attention and i'm just not able to give it. i miss him. okay. done. gnite.... i hope.

oh hell.

it's not tuesday. it's wednesday. sweet balls! that means less than 48 hours! rock!

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i know what i want. i know how i want things to turn out. i just don't have the guts to verbalize things because they're hurtful and there are too many people involved. one thing i detest about myself is my inability to discern between brutal honesty and hurtful honesty. there is a difference. i just don't know it because the only thing i'm interested in is my needs, wants and goals, regardless of what or who is at stake. how does a person learn to consider other people? and balance that consideration with needs and wants? aren't i supposed to know this by now? maybe i missed this day in school. i missed a lot of school. that must be it. i just don't know how to figure it out.

my laundry's done. i'm going to try to go to bed. again.

i love furbys!

i have three of them. one of them is retarded and does not work. one is of unknown status, i've never put batteries in them. the third is possessed and just speaks at random times. i keep him in my bedroom because he freaks out the cat sometimes in the middle of the night. good times. i see them at garage sales and i feel sorry for them so i buy them. its a compulsion, i know, i can't seem to stop. not going to garage sales helps too.

so. what happened today? hmmm. i worked from 1030 to 1900. that's a long shift. i don't think i'd ever bid that shift. i don't like it very much. but hours are hours are dollars and dollars = good.

this is an 81 honda! how dare you! that movie is going to be so dumb but i'm dying to see it. i have the noisiest dishwasher this side of this mississippi. i think i could hear it at the ice cream store. i hope melissa saved the last of the chocolate ice cream for me. they're not going to have chocolate until spring. boo.... so much for going out and drinking with meekin tomorrow. i got suckered into working again because i'm not able to say no. no. no. no. no. "do you want to work tomorrow and the next day and the next day?" "yes." grr. i suck. actually, ask around. that's one thing i don't do. hmmm... what day is today? is this tuesday? my days are running together, i never know what day it is. i always know the date but it doesn't matter because i don't know what day of the week it is. all the days are the same to me, there's no distinction. if it's tuesday, i have less than 72 hours until designated drinking day. rock on.

today my best good pal was at work. not to work, but to meet with the powers that be. this is such a bunch of hullaballoo, it just reeks of inaccuracy and misinformation. it's like the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. here, let me testify against you in a court of law after i assist you in writing a statement proclaiming your innocence and your exemplary work record. wtf? make up your minds, damn it. i'd be pissed about the whole thing. making you go through security like a common criminal. i'm surprised they didn't make you a selectee so you got the glove. you think it's a good thing, or at least a fun thing, to come back; you even seem to be looking forward to it. don't get me wrong - i love you. i miss having you around. but i'd tell them all to fuck off and go find a place where you're happy - because it's not here. we all know that. i worry about you. i want good things for you. and we both know this isn't it. i hope my bit of information helps you get what you want, i'm happy to help however i can. just let me know.

this is bothering me. i'm not able to lick my elbow. are you? i have to admit i've tried, several times, and i just don't work that way. can anyone do this? okay. off to find something to do. i'm bored and i still can't sleep. boo...

lucky lucky...you're so lucky

oh, things are looking up. i ended up with my saturday off. nigel is already making plans for my entire day and as long as my buzz keeps up, i may just let her. i'm not sure yet. i'm not entirely sure how that happened, a saturday off, but i'm not complaining. :D the texas ranger is siiiick. she sounds like ass. i got a strange little message from ict mark, he's in vegas for training. sure. why can't i go to vegas for training? i want to go; i've never been. boo.

i'm tired but i can't sleep. my mind is still at work, a million miles a minute: things i didn't get done today that i wanted to do, things i have to do tomorrow that i'm not going to get done, and a slew of random people - some i want to think about and others i don't. but it's all just there and i can't put it to bed, even though i'm in bed and i want to let it all go. i'm considering going full-time at work. i don't make any more money, but it's a guarantee of 40 hours per week. then i could pick up on top of that when i can. i don't really want to, but i think i need to.

the gossip hounds at work are sleeping on the job. there's been no new news on the workfront regarding my best good friend and his predicament. the silence is deafening. and maddening for those that want to be in the know. it's as if there is nothing to know, as if nothing happened - but someone is missing and no one seems to know why. tomorrow may be the day that provides answers, closure, something. finally.

i'm seriously peeved about this vegas thing and his nerve to send me photos and information about his training. how come i'm not in vegas for training? ugh. no fair.

dusty baker getting fired from the cubbies was a page six story in today's usa today sports section. what is the world coming to? i mean yes, we all knew it was coming, but still - page six? rude. it sort of makes me sad, i don't think he got a fair shake this last year, injuries and wimpy pitchers would have made it a rough year for anyone in his position. but i'm not consulted before such decisions are made. i heart baseball. i heart baseball players. and bendy straws... hehehehe....

one great thing i've found about living alone is that i can come home and watch sportscenter in bed until 3a.m. if i so desire, with no one to complain that i'm watching the same show over and over and over. there are many great things: i can leave clothes in the dryer. i can eat cheese and bread and fruit for every meal. i can work all the damn time. i can answer my phone late at night. i can do all of these things without getting dirty looks. it's wonderful.

one thing that sucks about not having tivo: i have to wait for my episodes of the office to come out on itunes, which generally happens the day after, but i don't like the idea of waiting. especially with this jim and pam saga... however, this thursday i think meekin and i have a date, which is a good reason not to watch or be concerned about it. yay for me and meekin! i should take our bottle of bailey's... :D where is ict mark when you need him?

okay. need to watch the yankees highlights.

so much for a day off...

the texas ranger is ill and i offered to cover the shift. i don't have to be there until 1530, but still, i was sort of looking for a day off and i keep opening my mouth to cover other people's problems. oh well. dollars are dollars are dollars. i guess it's okay.

yay for clean clothes! i got my washer and dryer, which means at some point i'm going to have to tackle this giant pile of laundry that's threatening to revolt and take over the house. and i have to ship out my ebay sales today. and i have to go to the bank and the insurance office and the ice cream store and and and... and i'm just sitting here, wasting time. ugh. i don't want to work today. :(

doing nothing feels good.

even though i know i have a crapload of things to be doing, i'm lying here, listening to the marching band practice, doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every second of it. you may ask, marching band? wtf are you talking about, marching band? ahhh, well, living where i now live, i'm privvy to all the marching band music i desire. and color guard practice. and foozball. it's an interesting change from the constant fireworks my old neighbors used to set off at all hours of the day fireworks in the daytime? yes. fireworks all the damn time, really. they were fucking idiots. and i'm not talking sparklers. these were wailing, screaming big ass fireworks. they especially seemed to love fireworks in the winter, i don't know why. but i'm off topic. right now, 0903, i'm listening to the drum line and i'm having serious band nerd flashbacks. where on earth was i going with this? i don't know. i do have a lot of things to be doing, but i know i have tomorrow off and i'm procrastinating. i'm soooo good at this.

libbeth had her baby. a beautiful baby girl, chloe. she's amazing. she's pretty stinking cute, too.

things that are currently on my mind...

1) my best good friend has been in contact with me, even though we're not supposed to be speaking, according to the higher-ups. this is the first that i've admitted that i've talked to him, i've been playing dumb (there's a joke here, i can feel it) at work and keeping quiet. he's well, he's lawyered up and rightfully so. i don't know if he'll come back to work - i don't know if i'd want to if i were the controversial one. i still worry about him. i hope he makes good choices.

b) i have this growth on my chin. i'm going to name it helga. hi, i'm superjanel and this is my pal, helga. helga is beginnging to piss me off. i may have to get some liquid nitrogen and freeze her ass off. boo.

iii) so. last night. on my way home. just toodling along, jabbering away at whomever will answer when i call. i'm thinking i need to go to the old house and get mail from the mailbox. except i decide against it. but when i look up, i'm on my way to the old house. i'm buzzing through carlizzle for shizzle and i'm not heading in the direction of my new home. it made me sort of sad. old habits die hard. so do bad ones.

D) dad and carolyn are back. living in the farmhouse. i saw that number come up on my caller id - that same phone number they've had for decades (well, not really decades, more like decade and three years) and it just looked weird. it's hard to imagine being happy in farm hell after living in paradise but it wasn't my decision to make. the part that would suck about a move like that is that you pack up your container with everything you own, put it on a ship and say sayanora until it arrives somehere on the west coast. long beach, san diego, seattle - you don't freaking know. it takes a month and a half to get yer stuff, and that would just bug the hell out of me. the funny thing about that is that you can track it's progress online, like fed ex or something. so like, day12: middle of the pacific ocean. day 17: middle of the pacific ocean. day 22: middle of the pacific ocean. i think i'd rather not know.

6) roomie or no roomie? that is the question. well, really, it boils down to money or no money and then the answer to the roommate question becomes perfectly clear. so far, money/no roomie. next month, it might be different.

b) miss nigel and i are out this weekend or i'm going to kung fu her. i have her word. she PROMISED. i need this weekend like a monkey needs toilet paper. i have no idea what that means.

i think that's it. i don't really have anything else to talk about. i wish they'd bring me my washer and dryer. i have dirty clothes, you bastards, don't you care?