06 August 2006

what's old is new and so on and so forth...

how bizaare. everytime i have a life altering decision to make regarding relationships, someone in my family gets married. no joke. it should be a sign. today, my mom came out and said she didn't think i'm meant to be married. she said that she thinks i enjoy the challenge and the conquering, and then once i have whatever it is that i wanted, i get bored. she's right. i know she's right. it just sounds so bad. is there something in particular that i'm looking for? how will i ever know? i'm sad, but not about the actual relationship. i think in my heart i've known for a long time that we're nurturing something non-existant. but the idea that i've failed at something - something that i want so bad - that hurts me. we could have been a great couple. but something is missing here and i want it, i deserve it. i just can't tell you what really it is. :(

and so now we're left wondering what happens to all our stuff - that's all that's left after the dust clears, the stuff. possessions. what's mine is mine and what's his is... well, it used to be mine, but i'd be willing to bet that won't be the case much longer. and this is the hard part, the part that makes me wish i were willing to put up with the boredom and indifference. because this is the part that sucks. fighting over the stupid stuff. whose money was spent. what bills belong to whom. who gets the cat. who gets the dog. who stays in the house, who moves along. i want to leave. i don't want to be here anymore. but there are things that i want to take with me when i go and i'm afraid there's going to be serious confrontation about them. i know that he's going to treat me like he treated ex-business partner scott once it was revealed that scott was venomous to the relationship. he's going to build a case against me and try to convince me that it's in my best interest to leave quietly and empty handed. truth be told, i haven't been that bad to him. i could have been much, much worse. i just want what i'm entitled to. and quickly. i want it all to go away.

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