23 August 2006

so this is what a lobotomy feels like.

i have been such a fuck up lately. really. i'm, like, out-of-control-fuck-up-ness. (not really a word, but i heart hyphens.) i've just been a fucking train wreck, thinking that i'm making a big mistake. and i've been hearing that i'm making a huge mistake. people that aren't even in the know are telling me i'm making a mistake. people are literally telling me how screwed up my thinking is. and all the while, i've been nodding and smiling and thinking, you know, maybe you're right...

but you know what? you're not. you have no idea. tonight i received confirmation - verbal confirmation from all parties involved - that decisions made and being made are in fact the right ones. we finally talked, f.e. and i, and i came out and told him how i felt. i told him that it's not fair of me to ask him to wait around while i figure out what it is i want in life. and he agreed. and i told him that if i have to figure out what i want in life, chances are, it's not him. and he agreed. i'm not going to tell you that i'm not sad. f.e. is overall a good guy. but he's not good for me. i'm not good for him. we both deserve better than what the other has to offer. we both want more than what the other is willing to give. he wants conformity, i want spontanaity. i want passion and romance and desire, he wants love. and while the two of us are very different in many respects, we're quite alike in that we're not willing to bend and change and give in for the sake of something less than perfect. i know there is no perfect person out there - i know that. but i want more. i love him - i love him for his tenacity and his desire to better himself and his life - but that's not enough for me. i don't love him for the right reasons and that's not fair to anyone involved.

so. i'm sad. i'm human and i'm sad. i'm sad that i'm not able to make this work. i'm sad that at one time, i truly felt as though this was my forever and ever and so on and so forth. i'm sad that i had to be the one to bring our faults to light; i'll be the one charged with relationship murder in the eyes of all our friends and family. i'm sad that this isn't my white picket fence, 2.3 children, dog in the yard, end-all, be-all of relationships. isn't that what we all want in the end? but deep down, way down, i know that this is the right decision. and while it hurts, it's good for me. i don't know what the future holds, but i know this is the first step in finding out what i really want and what i really need. you know, i've never really known me, me alone, me without a significant other? i've never had the opportunity to survive on my own? to fail? to thrive? to be alone? perhaps i'll be good at it. and maybe i won't. but i get to find out and that's sort of exciting. and scary and sad, all wrapped up in one. but it does hurt...

you know, the thing is, i want the white picket fence and the 2.3 children and the big family dinners and the whole nine yards. i want that. but he doesn't. he's made that clear since i met him, and his wants have become my wants and i've put aside the things that are important to me. i don't like who i am when i'm around him. i don't like the negativity and the constant, constant bickering. i don't like the person this relationship has forced me to become. there is more to life than this. i need to remember that.

tomorrow the realty company is coming to take video of the house for the online listing. how strange. they're going to do one of those virtual reality tours - but it's in my house. people will be able to see my things. online. hmmm.... i'm not really okay with this, but what do you do? the house has to go, there's no way i can afford to live here, just no way. i do love this house though. that's another thing that makes me sad. :(

i wish it were november. first off, it would be cold. i love winter. i love being cold. i love my winter clothes and boots and coats and gloves and hats and red noses and the smell in the air when it finally gets cold. it smells clean. it smells good. things look clearer on the first chilly day - literally and figuratively. but beginning in november i can put in for other jobs within the company. and maybe i can get out of the area and get on with my life. maybe then it won't hurt so bad. new faces, new responsibilities, new, new, new. maybe that's what i need. or maybe i just need another night of heavy drinking. that seems to make it all go away, at least on a short term basis...

i write this for me. i write all this for me. but it's come to my attention that there are people who read this. a lot. everyday. it can't be that interesting. who are you? i'm curious... say something.

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