28 August 2006

comments on your perspective...

it's come to my attention that there are concerned parties that are afraid that i'm not taking my life too seriously at the moment. that i'm looking for the bandaid and not the cure. that i'm not being responsible in making decisions that will effect my immediate future. concerned persons that believe i'm filling the gaps in my life with insignificant material items when i don't really have the means to do so.... hmmm... and i was afraid that people don't pay attention to what i do or say...

well. rebuttal is in order. sort of. you commented on my baseball game. it's a a baseball game to end all baseball games. what can i possibly compare this to? this is *my* nationals - this is red sox vs. yankees. this is yankee stadium. the chances of me actually selling an organ are few and far between, but if i thought i'd ever get to stand on the grass at yankee stadium, i'd carve out a kidney in a heartbeat to stand where the babe once stood. to stand where the biggest baseball rivalry exists. to be at yankee staduim - it's a lifelong dream for me. and regardless of what's going on in my life - i need to do this. i want to do this. you can't make me feel bad for doing this.

now. for all the other trips i have *planned*...well, nothing is set in stone. i'm fully aware that i'm going to have to work 14-hour days for the next 17 months in order to support myself and my habits and and and and... and switzerland doesn't fit well into those plans. however, if the chance does arise and things work out, i'm going to go. just like charlotte and los angeles and maui. this is why i have this job. this is why i do what i do. i get to see people i love and places i love and new things and new experiences... as for all the other small material things i'm engrossing myself in... if i don't focus on something other than subject matter at hand, i'm going to go crazy. sometimes, i have to let my mind wander, away from the bedroom that i shut myself in when i get home at night. away from the situation that i have created. i'm fully aware that i'm the reason that this is happening - i'm the catalyst here. but you have to allow me some sort of release. and if that's a swatch watch or a jello shot or a cell phone - trust me, what's happening on the home front is always first and foremost on my mind. i'm just trying to push it a little further back, just for a second, just to make it stop hurting for a minute.

but see, if you knew me at all, you wouldn't take my wants and material desires at face value. you'd know that it's an act. i'm tyring to act like *me*, the me that people expect me to be, when really, all i want to do is sit at home and make lists of things i need to do. you think i'm not stressed out about this whole thing? if you knew me at all, you'd know that this indecision is killing me. you'd know that this lack of information is absolutely stifling. i'm drowning in a lack of knowledge - if you knew me at all, you'd know that this is one of my all-time, biggest-ever, pet peeves - a lack of control. i have no control right now. and that is freaking me out beyond belief. but instead of putting that out there for all to see, i'm pretending it doesn't bother me. if you knew me at all, you'd see right through that. but you don't...

you know, i know what the cure is. but certain situations won't allow me to make the changes necessary to move along with life. i'm stuck in a tape delay, i'm stuck in this moment. my life is currently in a ground stop - air traffic control. i realize that there are changes that need to be made and decisions to be decided - but until the housing situation changes, this is where i am. i'm not making excuses. it is what it is. it's not ideal, it's not what i want. but until something changes, this is the way it has to be.

finally, as far as awaiting your sympathy, i'm not. i don't want you to feel sorry for me. i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i just want to stop being blamed for not trying. i want people to stop blaming me for their not being able to understand. i don't care if they don't understand, it's not their place and they don't have to. i just want to be able to trust people. i want to know who my friends are. i want you (collectively, not necessarily personally) to know that i have come to my senses, and that's why i've made this decision.

you have no idea how much i appreciate your opinion. which is a good thing, i don't think i can stop you from giving them at this point. you often have an interesting perspective, and i'm beginning to believe you do know more than you like to let on about this and other things. some day we can talk about that. for now, it's well past my bed time and you made me miss round two of harold and kumar. i forgive you. good night, farewell, sweet dreams.


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