you don't know what you mean to me and i don't know how to help you.

there's someone in my life that's operating at mach two and not wearing her seat belt. i love her. she means the world to me. i see more of me in her than i can explain. and i fear for her safety. i know where she's coming from and yet i don't know how to stop her. i don't have the words; even though i have the experience, i can't seem to put it into a context to help her understand.

of all the times for me to lose my voice...

i don't know if relating my personal experience will help or will only give her the tools to succeed. i want to take her by the shoulders and shake her until she understands what she's doing.

i take this as a personal affront. don't you understand? didn't you learn anything by watching me fail? by watching me stumble? don't you know that this can be literally the beginning of the end and sometimes there is no one there to rescue you, to save you, to make things okay? sometimes no one can make this right, no matter how loud you shout, no matter how loud you scream.

and then you're left with the chaos you've created and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

i don't think this is how you want things to end. i really don't.

i know you're sad. i know you're angry. and most of all, i know you don't understand what's happening to you and why you feel the way you feel.

but this is not the answer. please trust me on this.

i replay the last evening we spent together in my mind, and i don't think there was anything i could have said or done differently. i don't think there was anything i missed, any signs, any clues. and yet i feel an incredible amount of guilt, which is somewhat silly, i realize. but i can't help it. i feel like there is some pressure on me to see the signs and pick up on the clues, no matter how small they may be.

but if they were there, i missed them. and i'm sorry.

i just wish you'd tell me what i can do to help. tell me what you need. tell me what you want.

i'm here for you. any time, any place, any thing.

you truly don't understand what you mean to me.

i love you.