i think it's monday. my days are running together. when i worked, i looked forward to the weekends because it signaled no work and time at home. when i didn't work but the bee was employed, i still looked forward to weekends because it meant we could hang out (or argue or break up or whatever we chose to do that weekend). but now, since we're both home, all the days run together and weekends are no more special than weekdays and if i didn't have a calendar i wouldn't be able to tell a wednesday from a sunday.
it is monday, right?
it doesn't help that days and nights are just suggestions right now. the mini-bee isn't much for scheduling or timeliness. and at six weeks that's okay. if the little man is six years old and still trying to eat three times a night, we're going to have words.
did i tell you guys i rejoined chubby kids? first two weeks i did awesome; this last week, not so much. when i fall off the wagon, i fall hard. like standing up in the wagon and running off the back end at full speed. which, for a chubby kid, isn't that fast but i carry a lot of velocity. my mass prohibits any real acceleration. i'm going to go to my meeting this week but i won't weigh-in, i don't need to see just how badly i'm doing. the flip-side of this is that maybe a little public humiliation would do me some good. i don't know. i do know that i'm tired of salad and chicken but not scrambled eggs and popcorn - can a girl survive on scrambled eggs and popcorn? i guess i've survived on worse for longer; at least eggs and popcorn are better for me than martinis and tequila.
martinis and tequila almost sounds better than eggs and popcorn though. and if i had martinis for breakfast and tequila for lunch, i'd pass out by dinner and wouldn't care about my remaining points for the day.
something about this just doesn't sound right...
i had my first drinks, post-baby, last weekend. the bee and mini-bee and i went to his parents for dinner last friday night. his entire family was there and his almost-sister-in-law and i sat in his mom's kitchen and proceeded to drink a bottle of tequila. okay, she nursed a drink or two for six hours and i downed most of a bottle of tequila. mini-bee was cuddled and carried and held and fed by family and almost-sister-in-law and i had a pretty good time. it was nice to have an evening like that, it was a good way to ease myself back into the real world. although it still doesn't occur to me that i can have a drink when we're out - i'm always like, "i want tea" and then when everyone else orders beer or fun drinks, it dawns on me that i'm not pregnant anymore. but by then it's too late and i don't want to be the pain in the ass at the table, changing orders and having the wait staff spit in my drink.
okay. we're having a friday the 13th marathon in honor of the new friday the 13th movie coming out tomorrow... on tuesday the 16th. huh. that's jacked up.
15 June 2009
10 June 2009
while the little man naps...
brodie doesn't mind if mommy facebooks or checks her email. but brodie throws a fit everytime mommy even thinks about blogging. he's got a sixth sense that tells him that i might be thinking about something other than him and that is just unacceptable - WAHHH! but he seems to be sleeping pretty soundly at the moment so i'm going to give this a try.
things around here are pretty good, for the most part. brodie is growing like a weed and is changing everyday. he's started staying awake longer - most afternoons we get four or five solid hours of awake time with him, which is kind of fun, except that i'm not always sure what i should be doing with him. so we sing and we dance and i tell him what i'm doing as i'm doing it. he's not a big fan of tummy time and i'm not a big fan of making the baby cry, so we do a few minutes on his activity mat until the frustration of not being able to see takes over and he starts screaming. he loves his swing and he's getting to love his bouncy seat. i'll set him up on the counter in his bouncy seat and let him watch while i cook or clean or make bottles. eating is still his favorite activity as the little porker weighed in at 11 pounds, 9 ounces at his last doctor's appointment over a week ago. just two nights ago he slept through the night, from 9:30 to 4:30. and last night he slept from 10 to 6. the bee and i are getting so much sleep lately we're not sure how to act if we can't be tired and grumpy.
not that we're not still grumpy, we just can't blame it on brodie.
the bee and i? well, we're still plodding along on the sidewalk that is our life. sometimes we walk beside each other, sometimes i walk behind him and kick the bottoms of his feet and sometimes he runs to the bar nearest our path and hides out for a while. i can't say that things are perfect; i don't know if things will ever be perfect. i guess for the moment we're tolerating the status quo. how's that for true love and bliss?
things around here are changing, though, and not really by choice. the bee got laid off this week - that goes into effect on friday - and i've been trying to contact giant conglomerate bank to find out about going back to work and so far no one has responded. to be perfectly honest, i'm not heartbroken over this - i hate my job - but i would at least think if they didn't want me back they'd tell me. i have been looking for other work; there has to be a job somewhere that i can at least tolerate, i'm just not sure what it is. the bee is picking up odd jobs for friends and family and doing what he can to stay busy. he's talking about working for his uncle in chicago for a week or so and wouldn't that be a fun family vacation? right...
i don't know. i'm trying hard not to stress over things i cannot control and to manage what i can without making people around me crazy.
little man is waking up; i need to make a bottle and get my day going.
things around here are pretty good, for the most part. brodie is growing like a weed and is changing everyday. he's started staying awake longer - most afternoons we get four or five solid hours of awake time with him, which is kind of fun, except that i'm not always sure what i should be doing with him. so we sing and we dance and i tell him what i'm doing as i'm doing it. he's not a big fan of tummy time and i'm not a big fan of making the baby cry, so we do a few minutes on his activity mat until the frustration of not being able to see takes over and he starts screaming. he loves his swing and he's getting to love his bouncy seat. i'll set him up on the counter in his bouncy seat and let him watch while i cook or clean or make bottles. eating is still his favorite activity as the little porker weighed in at 11 pounds, 9 ounces at his last doctor's appointment over a week ago. just two nights ago he slept through the night, from 9:30 to 4:30. and last night he slept from 10 to 6. the bee and i are getting so much sleep lately we're not sure how to act if we can't be tired and grumpy.
not that we're not still grumpy, we just can't blame it on brodie.
the bee and i? well, we're still plodding along on the sidewalk that is our life. sometimes we walk beside each other, sometimes i walk behind him and kick the bottoms of his feet and sometimes he runs to the bar nearest our path and hides out for a while. i can't say that things are perfect; i don't know if things will ever be perfect. i guess for the moment we're tolerating the status quo. how's that for true love and bliss?
things around here are changing, though, and not really by choice. the bee got laid off this week - that goes into effect on friday - and i've been trying to contact giant conglomerate bank to find out about going back to work and so far no one has responded. to be perfectly honest, i'm not heartbroken over this - i hate my job - but i would at least think if they didn't want me back they'd tell me. i have been looking for other work; there has to be a job somewhere that i can at least tolerate, i'm just not sure what it is. the bee is picking up odd jobs for friends and family and doing what he can to stay busy. he's talking about working for his uncle in chicago for a week or so and wouldn't that be a fun family vacation? right...
i don't know. i'm trying hard not to stress over things i cannot control and to manage what i can without making people around me crazy.
little man is waking up; i need to make a bottle and get my day going.
29 May 2009
what, me worry?
i think i'm depressed. no sarcasm here, i think hormones are messing with my mind. i've been shrugging off the idea of post-partum depression for nearly four weeks now. i'm well aware of the fact that i've always been a "glass half empty" kind of person but this is getting ridiculous. i'm pretty miserable with the way i look and the way i feel right now. i worry constantly about big things and little things, things that don't make any sense and things i have no control over. and these aren't just fleeting worries - these are the kinds of thoughts that make me drive home to check to see that things are done; irrational thoughts about the way we care for the baby - things that sometimes make absolutely no sense at all. i broke down this afternoon into a terrific little attack, a nice mix of panic and anxiety and a bout of hyperventilation. the bee and i are at each other's throats and have been for about three days now; this evening we called a truce because i'm nearing meltdown mode and he's in the middle of a migraine. things just sort of suck at the moment.
in spite of all this, baby brodie is wonderful. never mind that his parents are neurotic and spastic and all sorts of other adjectives that end in "-ic", i'm sure.
i go to the doctor on monday. the bee is self-medicating with muscle relaxers. we're going to be fine, it's just not going to happen tonight.
in spite of all this, baby brodie is wonderful. never mind that his parents are neurotic and spastic and all sorts of other adjectives that end in "-ic", i'm sure.
i go to the doctor on monday. the bee is self-medicating with muscle relaxers. we're going to be fine, it's just not going to happen tonight.
26 May 2009
can i have four beers?
it feels like monday. it's really tuesday. the holiday on monday has messed up my week already, not that i had anything big planned - my days pretty much run together anymore. save for the occasional trip to target or the post office, all my days are pretty much the same. and that's okay, me and brodie do just fine - putzing around, doing a whole lot of not much at all. he's my little buddy. :-)
one thing i did have to do today was go to court. see, i never really offered a lot of detail before, but a few months ago i found myself in a just a wee little bit of legal trouble. the circumstances were pathetic and far from ideal but it was technically my fault. and so i've been sweating the outcome for the last few months. my pre-trial conference was today and i was fully prepared for whatever that means, i really didn't know. in fact, i still don't know what goes on at those because at mine, my attorney and the county attorney negotiated a lesser charge, one that i don't have to disclose to potential employers, and a teeny weeny fine. WOOHOO! i am jailbird janel no longer!
i can say that the experience has taught me that i have completely missed my calling. i should have been an attorney. how terrific would i be at a job where i argue with people all day for lots of money? i mean really. i would rock that job like a hurricane and we're not talking wimpy little tropical storms. i could katrina that job if i set my mind to it. BUT... but that would mean how much more school? and how much more in student loans? and right now all i want to do is talk baby talk to little man; i'm hardly suitable for adult conversation.
however, speaking of school, i am considering another bout of grad school. there are some programs locally and at the school where i did my undergrad that sound interesting and at least worth investigating. i may end up being the most educated stay-at-home-parent in my zip code but at least i'll feel good about myself, right? riiiight...
the bee and i were discussing daycare and my venture back to the whippy dip and most likely (eventually) giant conglomerate bank. neither of us are too excited for me to go back to work and put the little man in daycare. in spite of my education, i'll be working to pay for someone to watch the little guy and very little else. i've never wanted to work (let's be honest, i hate working and i'm really good at staying home) but now i actually have a reason to stay home - a really good reason. again, i'm not sure what the answer to this dilemma is - hopefully something presents itself soon. technically, i'm supposed to be back at giant conglomerate bank by the middle of next month and back to the whippy dip even earlier than that. i just don't know.
i may have already mentioned this, but the idea of someone watching little man all day everyday bothers me immensely. i don't want to miss out on watching him grow up and do all the spectacular things that little ones do. but the advice i've been given (not to mention my own conscience) is leading me to believe that falling into the position of a stay-at-home-mom - dependent on someone else (ahem, buzz buzz) to bring home the bacon and be happy about it - may not be the most sound decision at this point.
and as long as i'm talking about things that have bothered me, let me bring this up. my son turned three weeks old yesterday, right? three weeks. and he's met the majority of his family and lots of his extended family even. but do you know who hasn't rushed up to see him, in spite of the fact that he said that he would? my dad. my dad has yet to meet his grandson. my dad and his crazy wife have yet to drive 90 minutes to meet my son. my dad, who on the day i delivered, said that he'd be there. my dad, who two days after i delivered said that he'd make the trip up that first weekend. yup. my dad hasn't so much as called to see how we're doing, much less travel to meet my baby. do you have any idea how much this bothers me? when i called my dad the monday after mother's day, guess what we talked about? we talked about my half-sister's kids and his crazy wife's grandkids. i got all of 30 seconds in on the topic of the fabulousness of baby brodie; he just didn't want to talk about it.
i can't even begin to explain how peeved i am - how much i'm insulted by his behavior. yes, i know, concessions should be made because my father isn't the man he used to be. and i ought to cut him some slack because he's old and not well. but i'm going to come right out and say that i'm tired of making concessions for someone who only has his own best interests at heart. i'm tired of making excuses based on a lack of good health and mental instability for this man. i understand that he is what he is and i should accept him for that - he's always been a flake and we've (my brothers and i) always come second to his life, his agenda, his needs. but i am honestly hurt by his lack of interest in the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. and i'm not going to be the one to reach out anymore. he's the one that's missing out on getting to know brodie. lucky for brodie, he has other grandparents that adore him and can't see him often enough.
and now my blood pressure is through the roof. i need a pill. or maybe a beer. do you know that i haven't had a drop to drink in 10 months? i know that i'm able to drink now but i'm afraid that the first sip will knock my ass out; i've lost my tolerance and i'm back to being the drunk chick two sips into my margarita at the mexican restaurant.
oh, woe is me.
one thing i did have to do today was go to court. see, i never really offered a lot of detail before, but a few months ago i found myself in a just a wee little bit of legal trouble. the circumstances were pathetic and far from ideal but it was technically my fault. and so i've been sweating the outcome for the last few months. my pre-trial conference was today and i was fully prepared for whatever that means, i really didn't know. in fact, i still don't know what goes on at those because at mine, my attorney and the county attorney negotiated a lesser charge, one that i don't have to disclose to potential employers, and a teeny weeny fine. WOOHOO! i am jailbird janel no longer!
i can say that the experience has taught me that i have completely missed my calling. i should have been an attorney. how terrific would i be at a job where i argue with people all day for lots of money? i mean really. i would rock that job like a hurricane and we're not talking wimpy little tropical storms. i could katrina that job if i set my mind to it. BUT... but that would mean how much more school? and how much more in student loans? and right now all i want to do is talk baby talk to little man; i'm hardly suitable for adult conversation.
however, speaking of school, i am considering another bout of grad school. there are some programs locally and at the school where i did my undergrad that sound interesting and at least worth investigating. i may end up being the most educated stay-at-home-parent in my zip code but at least i'll feel good about myself, right? riiiight...
the bee and i were discussing daycare and my venture back to the whippy dip and most likely (eventually) giant conglomerate bank. neither of us are too excited for me to go back to work and put the little man in daycare. in spite of my education, i'll be working to pay for someone to watch the little guy and very little else. i've never wanted to work (let's be honest, i hate working and i'm really good at staying home) but now i actually have a reason to stay home - a really good reason. again, i'm not sure what the answer to this dilemma is - hopefully something presents itself soon. technically, i'm supposed to be back at giant conglomerate bank by the middle of next month and back to the whippy dip even earlier than that. i just don't know.
i may have already mentioned this, but the idea of someone watching little man all day everyday bothers me immensely. i don't want to miss out on watching him grow up and do all the spectacular things that little ones do. but the advice i've been given (not to mention my own conscience) is leading me to believe that falling into the position of a stay-at-home-mom - dependent on someone else (ahem, buzz buzz) to bring home the bacon and be happy about it - may not be the most sound decision at this point.
and as long as i'm talking about things that have bothered me, let me bring this up. my son turned three weeks old yesterday, right? three weeks. and he's met the majority of his family and lots of his extended family even. but do you know who hasn't rushed up to see him, in spite of the fact that he said that he would? my dad. my dad has yet to meet his grandson. my dad and his crazy wife have yet to drive 90 minutes to meet my son. my dad, who on the day i delivered, said that he'd be there. my dad, who two days after i delivered said that he'd make the trip up that first weekend. yup. my dad hasn't so much as called to see how we're doing, much less travel to meet my baby. do you have any idea how much this bothers me? when i called my dad the monday after mother's day, guess what we talked about? we talked about my half-sister's kids and his crazy wife's grandkids. i got all of 30 seconds in on the topic of the fabulousness of baby brodie; he just didn't want to talk about it.
i can't even begin to explain how peeved i am - how much i'm insulted by his behavior. yes, i know, concessions should be made because my father isn't the man he used to be. and i ought to cut him some slack because he's old and not well. but i'm going to come right out and say that i'm tired of making concessions for someone who only has his own best interests at heart. i'm tired of making excuses based on a lack of good health and mental instability for this man. i understand that he is what he is and i should accept him for that - he's always been a flake and we've (my brothers and i) always come second to his life, his agenda, his needs. but i am honestly hurt by his lack of interest in the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. and i'm not going to be the one to reach out anymore. he's the one that's missing out on getting to know brodie. lucky for brodie, he has other grandparents that adore him and can't see him often enough.
and now my blood pressure is through the roof. i need a pill. or maybe a beer. do you know that i haven't had a drop to drink in 10 months? i know that i'm able to drink now but i'm afraid that the first sip will knock my ass out; i've lost my tolerance and i'm back to being the drunk chick two sips into my margarita at the mexican restaurant.
oh, woe is me.
24 May 2009
a sunday morning quickie
get your minds out of the gutter.
brodie will be three weeks old tomorrow! at his last check-up, little man weighed in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces - and that was last monday. who knows? we may have broken the 10-pound barrier since then. this kid is an eater - every two to four hours - he never willingly misses a meal. most of the time it's just me and him, putzing around the house, getting the mail, taking lunch to the bee at work. i'm falling into the trap of domestic-ism and easily so; the idea of going back to work at giant conglomerate bank makes me want to cry. i don't want to miss any days with little man and the idea of someone else (such as daycare or a babysitter) watching him everyday makes me sad. i don't know what the answer is - hopefully it makes itself clear soon.
as for me, i get some sleep here and there. i do a lot of laundry. i've lost 33 pounds but i still have a few to go. my body has completely changed shape and none of my clothes fit. i'm seriously contemplating muu-muus as this summer's fashion statement. i could wear muu-muus, sport flip-flops and eat bon-bons all summer, because obviously if it's hyphenated it's worth my time.
the bee and i are good about half the time, which really translates to daylight hours because after the sun goes down he's a bear. he's either such a heavy sleeper that he doesn't hear little man cry or he has far more tolerance for the sound of an unhappy baby than i do; i'm not sure and i don't really care - i find both options equally annoying. so most of our arguments take place in the middle of the night while we're both half-asleep and mostly incoherent. in all actuality though, it seems to work okay for now because neither of us remember what was really said or done (or not done in some cases) but we both know we need to apologize for something. our morning conversations go something like this...
janel: "hey. hey. HEY. it's 6:45, you wanted to leave the house ten minutes ago."
the bee: "hi. you need to brush your teeth. i don't know what i said last night but i'm sorry."
janel: "i don't know what you said either but okay. sorry i hit you with the pillow all those times."
the bee: "it's okay; i deserved it - i was being an asshole. but really, you need to brush your teeth."
janel: "i freaking get it. lay off my teeth there, nuclear waste mouth. aren't you late for work?"
the bee: "oh hell. what time is it? why didn't you wake me up?"
and so on and so forth - you can see where this is going. and so begins another beautiful day in our neighborhood...
brodie's cousin kooper loaned us his stroller. it's the coolest thing ever. all these bells and whistles and straps and baskets and handles and buttons. the only thing it doesn't do is make toast. i'm kind of excited to get out and walk with little man this week.
tomorrow is memorial day; i think i'm working at the whippy dip but i'm not sure. i can see how that place eats managers for dinner - yesterday we were welcomed by two machines full of sour ice cream and a cooler full of sour, chunky ice cream mix. luckily (and i honestly mean this) i was the only one that tasted just how bad the stuff really was - if we'd sold much of it we'd probably have a lawsuit on our hands. i don't think dead customers or botulism are good advertising tools.
yesterday was the first day i left little man with his grandma. i wasn't worried about them, leaving brodie with my mom is like me watching him, you know? but it was the first time that i was really without him for nearly 11 months now - i felt like i'd left my right leg at home. it was very bizarre. once i got over it (which is really to say once i stopped sobbing, which was about 43 miles into my 56 mile trip) i was okay. it was nice to talk to adults and have conversations about things other than poop. but i missed him all day and couldn't wait to get back to see him last night.
the bee is working overtime (OT BABY! WOOHOO for RENT!) this weekend on a big nasty project so it's just me and brodie today. we've got some errands to run and groceries to buy and some stuff to do but we have to be home by 4 p.m. for the start of the Coca Cola 600. i'm going to give little man his first lesson in nascar: jeff gordon is a dipshit and kevin harvick rules. :-)
brodie will be three weeks old tomorrow! at his last check-up, little man weighed in at 9 pounds, 9 ounces - and that was last monday. who knows? we may have broken the 10-pound barrier since then. this kid is an eater - every two to four hours - he never willingly misses a meal. most of the time it's just me and him, putzing around the house, getting the mail, taking lunch to the bee at work. i'm falling into the trap of domestic-ism and easily so; the idea of going back to work at giant conglomerate bank makes me want to cry. i don't want to miss any days with little man and the idea of someone else (such as daycare or a babysitter) watching him everyday makes me sad. i don't know what the answer is - hopefully it makes itself clear soon.
as for me, i get some sleep here and there. i do a lot of laundry. i've lost 33 pounds but i still have a few to go. my body has completely changed shape and none of my clothes fit. i'm seriously contemplating muu-muus as this summer's fashion statement. i could wear muu-muus, sport flip-flops and eat bon-bons all summer, because obviously if it's hyphenated it's worth my time.
the bee and i are good about half the time, which really translates to daylight hours because after the sun goes down he's a bear. he's either such a heavy sleeper that he doesn't hear little man cry or he has far more tolerance for the sound of an unhappy baby than i do; i'm not sure and i don't really care - i find both options equally annoying. so most of our arguments take place in the middle of the night while we're both half-asleep and mostly incoherent. in all actuality though, it seems to work okay for now because neither of us remember what was really said or done (or not done in some cases) but we both know we need to apologize for something. our morning conversations go something like this...
janel: "hey. hey. HEY. it's 6:45, you wanted to leave the house ten minutes ago."
the bee: "hi. you need to brush your teeth. i don't know what i said last night but i'm sorry."
janel: "i don't know what you said either but okay. sorry i hit you with the pillow all those times."
the bee: "it's okay; i deserved it - i was being an asshole. but really, you need to brush your teeth."
janel: "i freaking get it. lay off my teeth there, nuclear waste mouth. aren't you late for work?"
the bee: "oh hell. what time is it? why didn't you wake me up?"
and so on and so forth - you can see where this is going. and so begins another beautiful day in our neighborhood...
brodie's cousin kooper loaned us his stroller. it's the coolest thing ever. all these bells and whistles and straps and baskets and handles and buttons. the only thing it doesn't do is make toast. i'm kind of excited to get out and walk with little man this week.
tomorrow is memorial day; i think i'm working at the whippy dip but i'm not sure. i can see how that place eats managers for dinner - yesterday we were welcomed by two machines full of sour ice cream and a cooler full of sour, chunky ice cream mix. luckily (and i honestly mean this) i was the only one that tasted just how bad the stuff really was - if we'd sold much of it we'd probably have a lawsuit on our hands. i don't think dead customers or botulism are good advertising tools.
yesterday was the first day i left little man with his grandma. i wasn't worried about them, leaving brodie with my mom is like me watching him, you know? but it was the first time that i was really without him for nearly 11 months now - i felt like i'd left my right leg at home. it was very bizarre. once i got over it (which is really to say once i stopped sobbing, which was about 43 miles into my 56 mile trip) i was okay. it was nice to talk to adults and have conversations about things other than poop. but i missed him all day and couldn't wait to get back to see him last night.
the bee is working overtime (OT BABY! WOOHOO for RENT!) this weekend on a big nasty project so it's just me and brodie today. we've got some errands to run and groceries to buy and some stuff to do but we have to be home by 4 p.m. for the start of the Coca Cola 600. i'm going to give little man his first lesson in nascar: jeff gordon is a dipshit and kevin harvick rules. :-)
14 May 2009
i'm a fast learner
i've never had a better reason for not writing than i do at this very moment. it's not that i don't want to write, i've got all sorts of things to say - i just don't have the time. it's amazing how one little person can manipulate all my time, all the time. he's really good at it - and he's only 10 days old. imagine what lies ahead...
so in honor of brodie being 10 days old and me finding 17 minutes to myself where i'm not asleep or trying to be asleep, here's what i have learned in my first 10 days as mommy.
so in honor of brodie being 10 days old and me finding 17 minutes to myself where i'm not asleep or trying to be asleep, here's what i have learned in my first 10 days as mommy.
- there is no such thing as "sleeping like a baby." babies don't sleep. they toss and turn and grunt and snort and fart and burp and moan and groan. or at least my baby does. it sounds like we're keeping a herd of piglets in the bassinette as opposed to our super adorable baby brodie.
- babies may be cute but they can make some really ugly and funny faces.
- you can't "sleep when baby sleeps" (i must have heard this about 50 trillion times over the last 10 months, for real!) if the baby doesn't sleep. and there are times when baby brodie doesn't sleep.
- just because the diaper is full of poop doesn't mean that baby is necessarily done pooping.
- babies will pick the most expensive and hardest to clean blanket in the room and then pee all over it. twice.
- some babies are talented enough to pee in their own ear.
- my son is very, very talented.
- there is apparently nothing more monotonous to a baby than the weather channel. it puts him to sleep every time. :-) and when meteorology doesn't put him to sleep, and five hours of rocking and dancing and singing with mommy doesn't work either, just hand brodie to daddy - five minutes later they're both sound asleep.
- licking napkins and wiping faces is apparently a genetic thing that can't be helped. it just happened, i swear!
- bath time is no fun for baby brodie. but it's fun for mommy.
- pooties love brodies. :D
- suddenly every waking moment is an opportunity for a cute picture. i can't get enough pictures of a sleeping brodie, it's the cutest thing ever.
i'm sure there are many, many more - i just can't think of anymore right now. one thing have learned, and very quickly so, is that my brain is now mush. i shouldn't be allowed to make any sort of decisions, big or small, right now. i'm lucky i remember my own name.
and now i'm going to watch the office while the little guy sleeps. priorities, right?
05 May 2009
the new love of my life
the waiting is over, baby brodie is here.
he's amazing. he's perfect. he's beautiful. he's enormous. he's the spitting image of his father - it's adorable. his eyes are a deep, deep blue (and subject to change, i know) and his little face is just perfect. i'm in love, completely and totally head over heels for this little person that i've just met but that i've known for the last nine months. it's the most overwhelming, terrifying, intense feeling i've ever felt - but it comes with relief and happiness and joy, pure joy.
really, there are no words to describe how i feel. it's just incredible.
i swear - there are pictures but i can't get them to you tonight. i'm calling this a "connection" problem but it's probably just really tired lady operator error. but we go home tomorrow and i'll do my best to get them posted just as soon as possible. i can't wait for you all to see his little face.
he's worth the wait.
he's amazing. he's perfect. he's beautiful. he's enormous. he's the spitting image of his father - it's adorable. his eyes are a deep, deep blue (and subject to change, i know) and his little face is just perfect. i'm in love, completely and totally head over heels for this little person that i've just met but that i've known for the last nine months. it's the most overwhelming, terrifying, intense feeling i've ever felt - but it comes with relief and happiness and joy, pure joy.
really, there are no words to describe how i feel. it's just incredible.
i swear - there are pictures but i can't get them to you tonight. i'm calling this a "connection" problem but it's probably just really tired lady operator error. but we go home tomorrow and i'll do my best to get them posted just as soon as possible. i can't wait for you all to see his little face.
he's worth the wait.
16 April 2009
cankles what?
a quickie post to satiate the needs of my readers. and to those four people that read this on a regular basis, please accept my most sincere apologies. i didn't know you existed, lol.
so here we go - in no order of importance, just as they come to me - one paragraph (or less) on the things that are happening in my life.
pootie: so despite all our best efforts, kingsley did not win the cutest canine contest. i appreciate all (one) of you that voted with me. he missed the mark by about 6,300 votes, give or take. i think the whole thing was rigged but i'm not clamoring for a recount. he was disappointed, momentarily, and then i gave him a new chew bone and now all is well in the world of the pootie. we've moved on to more important things, like trying to teach him that the big bed is for mommy and daddy and the floor (complete with pillows and a blanket, he's hardly suffering) is for kingsley. now, just so you don't leave here thinking that i've suddenly decided to walk the hard line with the dog, this was 100 percent the bee's idea. but when we woke up this morning, there was the pootie, wedged in between us in the bed, his blanky abandoned on the floor. score: pootie 1, bee 0.
work: it's no secret that i hate my job. i'm pretty open about my discontent with giant conglomerate bank and their policies on this and that, namely their policy that requires me to show up on a regular basis. it's also no secret that i've pushed my boss to his limit as far as my absences and his patience are concerned. so when it was suggested to me that "i should just quit" yesterday, i wasn't really that shocked. however, i was left wondering what exactly i had to do to get fired. i've never known anyone with an attendance record or even a performance record such as mine that wasn't fired. but me - can i get canned? oh heck no. when i went in for my exit interview with the center manager, not only was i encouraged to stay - he approved my short term personal leave, my short term disability leave, my fmla leave and pretty much said "come back when you want to." you've got to be kidding me. um, okay. sign me up. :) so now, i don't have to go back to work at giant conglomerate bank until the end of the summer - if i decide to go back at all.
bwahahahaha... sometimes it is good to be the janel.
the bee: oh the bee. the bee, the bee, the bee. some days i love him, some days i hate him. some days i want to run him over with the car. since our last quarrel, which has been about four days, things have been okay. we've been to baby school a couple more times, we survived the holiday (although that meant not communicating over the easter weekend while we ate dinner with our respective families). last night he was talking in his sleep and told me to "move over, cankles." what a peach. i have noticed, much to my chagrin, that if i pacify the bee with niceties that i'm more successful in getting what i want. now don't misunderstand - these aren't over the top niceties i'm providing here. we're talking about my not arguing, not having the last word, making dinner on a regular basis and pretty much just being a nice person. why do i find this so demoralizing? i'm not sure. it's hard for me to be nice sometimes. and then i remember that *i* picked *him* and i'm the only one responsible for my happiness in life. so if i can do little things that make life easier and happier i'd be stupid not to, right? right. i find that when i'm nice to him - SHOCKER! - he's nicer to me and the world continues to turn, just at a far less dramatic angle.
my mom: once again, my mom has been right about several things. she knows what they are and you already know she's smart. but i should take her advice on a more regular basis; day to day life would be easier.
the ice cream store: i don't talk about the ice cream store here often, except to say that 1) i heart ice cream and 2) i heart ice cream from the ice cream store. what i've not told you here is that i've always wanted to try my hand at running (or in this case, co-running) the ice cream store. remember what i told you about giant conglomerate bank and my leaves of absence? do you see where this is going? yup, it's headed to pella. it's in the works that prior to arrival of baby brodie and after my period of recuperation i'll be (partly) in charge of the ice cream store, along with my bestie nigel. i'm way excited about this, and not just in terms of the amount of ice cream i'll be consuming (lots!). a week from tomorrow is our opening day, just in time for the big tulip festivus for the rest of us and there's a lot to do but i'm looking forward to the challenge.
baby brodie: we're only 29 days out, ladies and gents. can you believe that? do you remember when i first broke this news last september? that seems so far away now, it's unbelievable that it's nearly may now. at this point, whenever i go into labor they're not going to stop it. so he could come tomorrow, he could come a month from now. and while i'm huge (seriously, a barn) and i'm uncomfortable (not back of a volkswagon uncomfortable, but pretty freaking close), i want this kiddo to take all the time he wants to bake to perfection. (ask me about this in two weeks and especially while i'm slinging ice cream at tulip time; my answer may be different.) but all the doctors i've seen have said that things are progressing as they should and in the words of one doctor, "this is gonna be a big baby."
and that's about it, that's all i've got for now. i'm gonna go start some dinner (chicken parmigiana, YUM!) and get cleaned up - we have more baby school tonight. this class is all about diapers - cloth diapers and the diaper service we're signing up for. it's not that we don't already know how diapers work but going to class gets us two free weeks of diaper service and if it's free, it's for me. i've been feeling especially crafty today - beyond making a big italian dinner and growing a person, i've also made my own laundry detergent. laugh if you want to (mom) but it smells really good. i might just start doing laundry for the fun of it.
right.
so here we go - in no order of importance, just as they come to me - one paragraph (or less) on the things that are happening in my life.
pootie: so despite all our best efforts, kingsley did not win the cutest canine contest. i appreciate all (one) of you that voted with me. he missed the mark by about 6,300 votes, give or take. i think the whole thing was rigged but i'm not clamoring for a recount. he was disappointed, momentarily, and then i gave him a new chew bone and now all is well in the world of the pootie. we've moved on to more important things, like trying to teach him that the big bed is for mommy and daddy and the floor (complete with pillows and a blanket, he's hardly suffering) is for kingsley. now, just so you don't leave here thinking that i've suddenly decided to walk the hard line with the dog, this was 100 percent the bee's idea. but when we woke up this morning, there was the pootie, wedged in between us in the bed, his blanky abandoned on the floor. score: pootie 1, bee 0.
work: it's no secret that i hate my job. i'm pretty open about my discontent with giant conglomerate bank and their policies on this and that, namely their policy that requires me to show up on a regular basis. it's also no secret that i've pushed my boss to his limit as far as my absences and his patience are concerned. so when it was suggested to me that "i should just quit" yesterday, i wasn't really that shocked. however, i was left wondering what exactly i had to do to get fired. i've never known anyone with an attendance record or even a performance record such as mine that wasn't fired. but me - can i get canned? oh heck no. when i went in for my exit interview with the center manager, not only was i encouraged to stay - he approved my short term personal leave, my short term disability leave, my fmla leave and pretty much said "come back when you want to." you've got to be kidding me. um, okay. sign me up. :) so now, i don't have to go back to work at giant conglomerate bank until the end of the summer - if i decide to go back at all.
bwahahahaha... sometimes it is good to be the janel.
the bee: oh the bee. the bee, the bee, the bee. some days i love him, some days i hate him. some days i want to run him over with the car. since our last quarrel, which has been about four days, things have been okay. we've been to baby school a couple more times, we survived the holiday (although that meant not communicating over the easter weekend while we ate dinner with our respective families). last night he was talking in his sleep and told me to "move over, cankles." what a peach. i have noticed, much to my chagrin, that if i pacify the bee with niceties that i'm more successful in getting what i want. now don't misunderstand - these aren't over the top niceties i'm providing here. we're talking about my not arguing, not having the last word, making dinner on a regular basis and pretty much just being a nice person. why do i find this so demoralizing? i'm not sure. it's hard for me to be nice sometimes. and then i remember that *i* picked *him* and i'm the only one responsible for my happiness in life. so if i can do little things that make life easier and happier i'd be stupid not to, right? right. i find that when i'm nice to him - SHOCKER! - he's nicer to me and the world continues to turn, just at a far less dramatic angle.
my mom: once again, my mom has been right about several things. she knows what they are and you already know she's smart. but i should take her advice on a more regular basis; day to day life would be easier.
the ice cream store: i don't talk about the ice cream store here often, except to say that 1) i heart ice cream and 2) i heart ice cream from the ice cream store. what i've not told you here is that i've always wanted to try my hand at running (or in this case, co-running) the ice cream store. remember what i told you about giant conglomerate bank and my leaves of absence? do you see where this is going? yup, it's headed to pella. it's in the works that prior to arrival of baby brodie and after my period of recuperation i'll be (partly) in charge of the ice cream store, along with my bestie nigel. i'm way excited about this, and not just in terms of the amount of ice cream i'll be consuming (lots!). a week from tomorrow is our opening day, just in time for the big tulip festivus for the rest of us and there's a lot to do but i'm looking forward to the challenge.
baby brodie: we're only 29 days out, ladies and gents. can you believe that? do you remember when i first broke this news last september? that seems so far away now, it's unbelievable that it's nearly may now. at this point, whenever i go into labor they're not going to stop it. so he could come tomorrow, he could come a month from now. and while i'm huge (seriously, a barn) and i'm uncomfortable (not back of a volkswagon uncomfortable, but pretty freaking close), i want this kiddo to take all the time he wants to bake to perfection. (ask me about this in two weeks and especially while i'm slinging ice cream at tulip time; my answer may be different.) but all the doctors i've seen have said that things are progressing as they should and in the words of one doctor, "this is gonna be a big baby."
and that's about it, that's all i've got for now. i'm gonna go start some dinner (chicken parmigiana, YUM!) and get cleaned up - we have more baby school tonight. this class is all about diapers - cloth diapers and the diaper service we're signing up for. it's not that we don't already know how diapers work but going to class gets us two free weeks of diaper service and if it's free, it's for me. i've been feeling especially crafty today - beyond making a big italian dinner and growing a person, i've also made my own laundry detergent. laugh if you want to (mom) but it smells really good. i might just start doing laundry for the fun of it.
right.
01 April 2009
things that scare the janel, vol. 1
(alternative title: peekaroo! i'm bustin' out of you!)
you know how i feel about snuggies. and now they've come out with this - the peekaroo. while i've not seen this in real life i can safely tell you, with no doubt in my mind, that i never want to see this in real life. this is some scary shit, my friends.
however, if you find that life will not be complete until you have one of these in your possession, click here.
o.m.g.
31 March 2009
toilet humor, among other things
so there's this quiz on parents.com: "what kind of dad will he be?" and one of the questions is, "when the two of you throw a party, you can count on him to... A) keep everyone laughing, B) make his famous five alarm chili or C) hire the best caterer in town." i had to stop taking the quiz after this question as i was thoroughly stumped. there was no option D) get completely shitfaced and have to be carried to bed.
and yes, this is how i spend my time at work.
i have a lot on my mind this morning. some of it's important, some of it's just dumb. most of it's just dumb.
for instance - here's some dumb for you. it so happens that i spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work. there are several reasons for this, the first and most important being that i have to pee about 3 times an hour. the second reason, which is also important but not as much as the former, is that the bathroom is oft used as a reprieve from stupid customers or stupid coworkers. sometimes i just go there to nap. (only once, i swear. i felt pretty dumb coming out and my butt hurt really bad.)
anyway. with all the time i spend going back and forth, to and fro, i have a lot of time to think. and this morning i was thinking about underpants.
due to my current "condition" my underpant-buying habits have slowed to a complete halt. the last pair of underpants i bought weren't actually bought at all. and no, i didn't pocket them. it was one of those free panty giveaways at victoria's secret. do you guys get those cards in the mail too? i used to get them all the time and for some reason, i've not received any lately. so i got to thinking about this. does vs discriminate against the preggo? are they teamed up with the diaper giveaway people so that you only get offers for one free thing at a time - "oh, you're getting free diapers in the mail, you don't have a need for free thongs?" maybe they're offended that their last offer for free underpants was redeemed for BAPs - big ass panties - and they've removed me from any future mailings because i obviously don't fit the criteria for their target audience.
but let's face it, at this size and shape, i'm not fitting into much these days. you have no idea how i long to wear regular jeans again. i can't wait for real jeans that button and zip.
sigh.
ready for more dumb? i've got dumb for you. this train of thought also starts in the bathroom (shock!) - i encountered a new breed of weird this morning. i watched this chick wash her hands prior to entering the stall and then re-wash her hands upon exiting. now, part of me says, kudos to her for fully embracing her ocd at work. but on the other hand (lol, no pun intended) that's a lot of soap and water and paper towels she's using there - that certainly doesn't jive with giant conglomerate bank's effort to be the biggest, greenest bank in the world. imagine if we all washed before and after we did our business - that's a lot of wasted resources. so what's the answer here - really clean hands and a lot of dead trees or only moderately clean hands and a company's reputation saved?
and don't think that i'm mocking the severity of anyone's ocd. for crying out loud, i'm the girl that will drive by her own house seven times to make sure the garage door is shut and hasn't magically reopened.
yeah. that's me. and that was just last week.
i just realized that i made myself sound like a total bathroom lurker. i'm really not. i'm just really good at wasting time - mine and yours too, obviously. :)
enough dumb. how about some important stuff?
so brodie's crib mobile arrived yesterday and it is the cutest. thing. ever. for real. it makes the pootie crazy (which makes me wonder about the struggles we'll have over baby toys and pootie toys) but i love it. i got it all attached to his crib and just sat there yesterday afternoon and watched it for an absurd amount of time. but that got me thinking about the fact that we're only about six weeks away from baby day and i have a lot to do. and even more to buy!
it's been decided that i'm not having a baby shower. several factors played into this - it's not all about me and the bee.
1) the family and friends that i would invite, for the most part anyway, live far away. on top of that, i've been hitting these people up for money and gifts on a regular basis for the last 10 years. "look at me, i'm graduating high school! send me money, i'm getting married! send me more money, i'm getting married again! hey, check me out, i've harlan-ed my way through college but i'm finally graduating - send me some shit!" it just seems rude to ask for baby gifts after all the invitations that have gone out in the mail over the years.
2) there is some animosity between families of the bee and i. basically, my family can't stand him and his thinks that i'm a total raging lunatic. and why on earth would they buy gifts for the child of a total raging lunatic?
3) and this one wasn't as much of a factor as the first two, but many people i know are struggling financially right now. it seems really selfish of me to assume they have the means (never mind the desire) to purchase things for me and baby brodie.
so yeah. we registered and did all that, but it seems it was for naught. no shower, no hassle. and i really do like it that way. but it does leave more of a burden on me and the bee to find a way to provide all these things that we apparently need when we have trouble paying the rent most months. so we're relying on a lot of hand-me-downs and craigslist and ebay. and things are coming together, slowly but surely. there are a few big things we have to get - a carseat is one of them. there are a few big things that i'd like to get - a dresser, a swing, a pack-n-play - but they're not necessities. and then there's things that are obviously not necessary for survival but just sound like fun - like pee-pee teepees. don't those just sound like fun?
oh yeah.
so me and the bee. on again, off again. up and down. two steps forward, thirteen steps sideways and four steps back all while doing the hand jive. we agree, we disagree, we agree to disagree. who knows? i've decided to take a lackadaisical approach to the whole thing - it is what it is, maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get worse. maybe we'll get it together, maybe we'll learn to be apart. all i know is that for right now, i can't deal with the drama anymore. so i'm not going to. and that's all i have to say about that. for right now, anyway.
superjanel out.
and yes, this is how i spend my time at work.
i have a lot on my mind this morning. some of it's important, some of it's just dumb. most of it's just dumb.
for instance - here's some dumb for you. it so happens that i spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work. there are several reasons for this, the first and most important being that i have to pee about 3 times an hour. the second reason, which is also important but not as much as the former, is that the bathroom is oft used as a reprieve from stupid customers or stupid coworkers. sometimes i just go there to nap. (only once, i swear. i felt pretty dumb coming out and my butt hurt really bad.)
anyway. with all the time i spend going back and forth, to and fro, i have a lot of time to think. and this morning i was thinking about underpants.
due to my current "condition" my underpant-buying habits have slowed to a complete halt. the last pair of underpants i bought weren't actually bought at all. and no, i didn't pocket them. it was one of those free panty giveaways at victoria's secret. do you guys get those cards in the mail too? i used to get them all the time and for some reason, i've not received any lately. so i got to thinking about this. does vs discriminate against the preggo? are they teamed up with the diaper giveaway people so that you only get offers for one free thing at a time - "oh, you're getting free diapers in the mail, you don't have a need for free thongs?" maybe they're offended that their last offer for free underpants was redeemed for BAPs - big ass panties - and they've removed me from any future mailings because i obviously don't fit the criteria for their target audience.
but let's face it, at this size and shape, i'm not fitting into much these days. you have no idea how i long to wear regular jeans again. i can't wait for real jeans that button and zip.
sigh.
ready for more dumb? i've got dumb for you. this train of thought also starts in the bathroom (shock!) - i encountered a new breed of weird this morning. i watched this chick wash her hands prior to entering the stall and then re-wash her hands upon exiting. now, part of me says, kudos to her for fully embracing her ocd at work. but on the other hand (lol, no pun intended) that's a lot of soap and water and paper towels she's using there - that certainly doesn't jive with giant conglomerate bank's effort to be the biggest, greenest bank in the world. imagine if we all washed before and after we did our business - that's a lot of wasted resources. so what's the answer here - really clean hands and a lot of dead trees or only moderately clean hands and a company's reputation saved?
and don't think that i'm mocking the severity of anyone's ocd. for crying out loud, i'm the girl that will drive by her own house seven times to make sure the garage door is shut and hasn't magically reopened.
yeah. that's me. and that was just last week.
i just realized that i made myself sound like a total bathroom lurker. i'm really not. i'm just really good at wasting time - mine and yours too, obviously. :)
enough dumb. how about some important stuff?
so brodie's crib mobile arrived yesterday and it is the cutest. thing. ever. for real. it makes the pootie crazy (which makes me wonder about the struggles we'll have over baby toys and pootie toys) but i love it. i got it all attached to his crib and just sat there yesterday afternoon and watched it for an absurd amount of time. but that got me thinking about the fact that we're only about six weeks away from baby day and i have a lot to do. and even more to buy!
it's been decided that i'm not having a baby shower. several factors played into this - it's not all about me and the bee.
1) the family and friends that i would invite, for the most part anyway, live far away. on top of that, i've been hitting these people up for money and gifts on a regular basis for the last 10 years. "look at me, i'm graduating high school! send me money, i'm getting married! send me more money, i'm getting married again! hey, check me out, i've harlan-ed my way through college but i'm finally graduating - send me some shit!" it just seems rude to ask for baby gifts after all the invitations that have gone out in the mail over the years.
2) there is some animosity between families of the bee and i. basically, my family can't stand him and his thinks that i'm a total raging lunatic. and why on earth would they buy gifts for the child of a total raging lunatic?
3) and this one wasn't as much of a factor as the first two, but many people i know are struggling financially right now. it seems really selfish of me to assume they have the means (never mind the desire) to purchase things for me and baby brodie.
so yeah. we registered and did all that, but it seems it was for naught. no shower, no hassle. and i really do like it that way. but it does leave more of a burden on me and the bee to find a way to provide all these things that we apparently need when we have trouble paying the rent most months. so we're relying on a lot of hand-me-downs and craigslist and ebay. and things are coming together, slowly but surely. there are a few big things we have to get - a carseat is one of them. there are a few big things that i'd like to get - a dresser, a swing, a pack-n-play - but they're not necessities. and then there's things that are obviously not necessary for survival but just sound like fun - like pee-pee teepees. don't those just sound like fun?
oh yeah.
so me and the bee. on again, off again. up and down. two steps forward, thirteen steps sideways and four steps back all while doing the hand jive. we agree, we disagree, we agree to disagree. who knows? i've decided to take a lackadaisical approach to the whole thing - it is what it is, maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get worse. maybe we'll get it together, maybe we'll learn to be apart. all i know is that for right now, i can't deal with the drama anymore. so i'm not going to. and that's all i have to say about that. for right now, anyway.
superjanel out.
19 March 2009
impossible is my middle name
you guys know how i am. when things get weird or uncomfortable for me, i get kind of quiet. this time is no different. i could tell you it's been calm around here. i could tell you that not much has happened or changed in the last few days. but that would be a lie. truth be told, it's hard to talk when you've got a mouthful of humble pie, as i do right now.
the bee came back last week, bearing roses and mexican food for dinner. not one to turn down a free meal, i let him in and let him talk. he's been in and out since then, he's stayed over a couple times, he put together brodie's crib and changing table, he went to baby school with me over the weekend. he says he spoke out of anger and frustration, he wants to be here for me and for brodie, he loves me. in spite of the incident a few weeks ago, we've been able to talk about a few things and we're each making steps to think before we speak and to try to look at things from the other's perspective.
it's what i wanted; i ought to be thrilled.
except i'm not. and i'm not sure why. i keep waiting to hear the thud of the other shoe when it finally hits the floor. i think i've been conditioned to be suspicious of the good times. and so to hurry along what i believe is the inevitable i'm undermining all of the positive things that appear to be happening around me. i'm overthinking everything - i'm too busy reading between the lines to see the writing on the wall, so to speak. there's always a catch, right? am i so wrong to think that there's an underlying cause to this behavior or should i take it at face value and appreciate what i've got, what i'm getting, while i'm getting it?
i'm just confused. i'm confused about the expectations we have for one another; i'm not sure if this is all temporary until the baby gets here or until something better comes along. i thought i knew what i wanted and then when i get it i complain that it just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel the same, it doesn't feel good - or maybe it doesn't feel good enough. the thing is, i'm the one that's responsible for building up these unattainable goals, these unrealistic expectations. where do i get them? everywhere i look, every couple i know has some sort of issue - big and small, no relationship is immune to problems. so where do i get the idea that things will be different for me? once again i find myself wondering when good enough is just that.
the bee came back last week, bearing roses and mexican food for dinner. not one to turn down a free meal, i let him in and let him talk. he's been in and out since then, he's stayed over a couple times, he put together brodie's crib and changing table, he went to baby school with me over the weekend. he says he spoke out of anger and frustration, he wants to be here for me and for brodie, he loves me. in spite of the incident a few weeks ago, we've been able to talk about a few things and we're each making steps to think before we speak and to try to look at things from the other's perspective.
it's what i wanted; i ought to be thrilled.
except i'm not. and i'm not sure why. i keep waiting to hear the thud of the other shoe when it finally hits the floor. i think i've been conditioned to be suspicious of the good times. and so to hurry along what i believe is the inevitable i'm undermining all of the positive things that appear to be happening around me. i'm overthinking everything - i'm too busy reading between the lines to see the writing on the wall, so to speak. there's always a catch, right? am i so wrong to think that there's an underlying cause to this behavior or should i take it at face value and appreciate what i've got, what i'm getting, while i'm getting it?
i'm just confused. i'm confused about the expectations we have for one another; i'm not sure if this is all temporary until the baby gets here or until something better comes along. i thought i knew what i wanted and then when i get it i complain that it just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel the same, it doesn't feel good - or maybe it doesn't feel good enough. the thing is, i'm the one that's responsible for building up these unattainable goals, these unrealistic expectations. where do i get them? everywhere i look, every couple i know has some sort of issue - big and small, no relationship is immune to problems. so where do i get the idea that things will be different for me? once again i find myself wondering when good enough is just that.
09 March 2009
welcoming the wrecking ball
i think the hardest choices in life are the ones in which we have no say. obviously, there's the banal side to this statement for things such as weather or death - things we couldn't control if we tried. i'm more referring to the ones that other people or circumstances decide for us: those are harder for me to grasp because my mind plays the "what if?" game until i'm physically ill. not that knowing what could have happened if makes me feel any better - i generally feel worse. the fact remains that there's nothing i can do to change the outcome.
i know you all know what i'm talking about. but i'm referring to the bee and i. just a few days ago, our attitude was that we were going to try to work things out, over a period of time and in baby steps. it wasn't a spoken decision, it was an underlying theme to all our conversations. for the good of the baby, for the connection we had, for what we felt for each other - there was enough foundation there to perhaps rebuild the shanty that once stood with a nice, pre-fab modern structure. this morning the construction crew went on strike and all plans have been scrapped.
it's over.
this morning he says that he told me those things because he wanted to be nice. he doesn't love me anymore - he's reached his breaking point and is moving on. he will continue to care for me, in terms of my general health, but he'll wait to hear about the baby when he gets the letter in the mail from the department of human services. he has no connection to anything or anyone here any longer.
if i weren't already feeling so bad this morning, i probably would have cried to the point of vomiting. the thing is, somewhere deep down, i knew this was coming. i knew that any reconciliation would be like putting a band-aid on open heart surgery - a temporary solution to an enormous issue.
i had hoped, in typical needy-female fashion, that in spite of all our difference and difficulties that he and i would be able to pull it together for the sake of the child and that eventually all our problems and faults would fall to the wayside and a new kind of relationship would develop. don't misunderstand - that's happening here. it's just happening as we sit 70 miles apart and the problems don't matter much as the relationship that is developing is the one between two people who apparently can't be with or deal with one another.
it's not exactly what i had in mind. but how naive am i to believe that a baby could be the glue to hold us together? i'm going on 30 years old - it's a pretty pathetic storyline for someone who claims to be as smart as i like to think i am.
the thing that chaps my ass about all this? he's reached his breaking point, he's ready to move on. the natual question that comes to mind for me - where in the hell is my breaking point? why am i not ready to move on? why do i let him hurt me so much, why do i need him in my life, why do i cry over him when i know he's certainly not crying over me? where has my sense of self-worth gone? beyond being the partial creator of this child, what makes him so freaking special that he's worth my time?
i'm angry. i'm so, so angry. i'm angry with him for so many reasons but mostly i'm angry with myself for letting it get this far. i'm angry that i feel this hurt; i'm angry that i've let myself come to depend on someone whose only dependable trait is that they're chronically undependable.
some humor in all that diatribe though? if the dumbass doesn't submit a change of address to the post office he'll never know that he has a son; all his mail will come here and gather dust in the grocery sack in the closet. it's not my job to deliver his mail. although i would consider swapping it for a couple of sham-wows, the slimy bastard.
anyway.
so here i am, monday morning (again!?) and i'm supposed to be getting ready to go to the doctor for my 30-week check-up and then going to work. i'm not sure how much work i'll accomplish today: it seems that in the last week while hacking and coughing and carrying on like a lifelong smoker with terminal emphysema i've managed to literally twist my rib cage a little off center which is causing a tremendous amount of pain. i can't stand, i can't sit, i can't lie down - when i cough i want to fall over. and sneezing? i will attempt to blow out an ear drum or an eyeball before i'll let a sneeze escape these lips, otherwise i'll be wishing i were wearing rubber pants and sitting in the bathtub. it's just not pretty. ahh, the glorious side of being pregnant - the side no one tells you about. like wetting yourself on a regular basis or that your skin will thin out to the point where you can see each and every vein in your chest, no one tells you that all your joints become loose and lethargic to the point where it's actually possible to give yourself an injury like twisting your rib cage. see, if people knew this kind of stuff going in there would probably be far fewer babies. pregnancy is not for the weak.
on a happier note, and there is no sarcasm here - i'm truly happy about this - mom and i ordered brodie's crib and changing table this week and on saturday night i ordered his crib bedding and curtains and such. i'm excited to get things put together and in order, to help with planning a shower and washing little socks. his room will be adorable, although if what i hear is true, he won't actually spend a lot of time in his room for quite a while. that's okay; it'll look nice.
so yeah. i'm going to go get in the shower and carry on with life as best i can. it's not what i'd hoped for and not what i'd planned but how often do we really get what we want anyway? somebody bigger and smarter than me obviously knows what is going on here, i'm just waiting to hear the details.
superjanel OUT.
i know you all know what i'm talking about. but i'm referring to the bee and i. just a few days ago, our attitude was that we were going to try to work things out, over a period of time and in baby steps. it wasn't a spoken decision, it was an underlying theme to all our conversations. for the good of the baby, for the connection we had, for what we felt for each other - there was enough foundation there to perhaps rebuild the shanty that once stood with a nice, pre-fab modern structure. this morning the construction crew went on strike and all plans have been scrapped.
it's over.
this morning he says that he told me those things because he wanted to be nice. he doesn't love me anymore - he's reached his breaking point and is moving on. he will continue to care for me, in terms of my general health, but he'll wait to hear about the baby when he gets the letter in the mail from the department of human services. he has no connection to anything or anyone here any longer.
if i weren't already feeling so bad this morning, i probably would have cried to the point of vomiting. the thing is, somewhere deep down, i knew this was coming. i knew that any reconciliation would be like putting a band-aid on open heart surgery - a temporary solution to an enormous issue.
i had hoped, in typical needy-female fashion, that in spite of all our difference and difficulties that he and i would be able to pull it together for the sake of the child and that eventually all our problems and faults would fall to the wayside and a new kind of relationship would develop. don't misunderstand - that's happening here. it's just happening as we sit 70 miles apart and the problems don't matter much as the relationship that is developing is the one between two people who apparently can't be with or deal with one another.
it's not exactly what i had in mind. but how naive am i to believe that a baby could be the glue to hold us together? i'm going on 30 years old - it's a pretty pathetic storyline for someone who claims to be as smart as i like to think i am.
the thing that chaps my ass about all this? he's reached his breaking point, he's ready to move on. the natual question that comes to mind for me - where in the hell is my breaking point? why am i not ready to move on? why do i let him hurt me so much, why do i need him in my life, why do i cry over him when i know he's certainly not crying over me? where has my sense of self-worth gone? beyond being the partial creator of this child, what makes him so freaking special that he's worth my time?
i'm angry. i'm so, so angry. i'm angry with him for so many reasons but mostly i'm angry with myself for letting it get this far. i'm angry that i feel this hurt; i'm angry that i've let myself come to depend on someone whose only dependable trait is that they're chronically undependable.
some humor in all that diatribe though? if the dumbass doesn't submit a change of address to the post office he'll never know that he has a son; all his mail will come here and gather dust in the grocery sack in the closet. it's not my job to deliver his mail. although i would consider swapping it for a couple of sham-wows, the slimy bastard.
anyway.
so here i am, monday morning (again!?) and i'm supposed to be getting ready to go to the doctor for my 30-week check-up and then going to work. i'm not sure how much work i'll accomplish today: it seems that in the last week while hacking and coughing and carrying on like a lifelong smoker with terminal emphysema i've managed to literally twist my rib cage a little off center which is causing a tremendous amount of pain. i can't stand, i can't sit, i can't lie down - when i cough i want to fall over. and sneezing? i will attempt to blow out an ear drum or an eyeball before i'll let a sneeze escape these lips, otherwise i'll be wishing i were wearing rubber pants and sitting in the bathtub. it's just not pretty. ahh, the glorious side of being pregnant - the side no one tells you about. like wetting yourself on a regular basis or that your skin will thin out to the point where you can see each and every vein in your chest, no one tells you that all your joints become loose and lethargic to the point where it's actually possible to give yourself an injury like twisting your rib cage. see, if people knew this kind of stuff going in there would probably be far fewer babies. pregnancy is not for the weak.
on a happier note, and there is no sarcasm here - i'm truly happy about this - mom and i ordered brodie's crib and changing table this week and on saturday night i ordered his crib bedding and curtains and such. i'm excited to get things put together and in order, to help with planning a shower and washing little socks. his room will be adorable, although if what i hear is true, he won't actually spend a lot of time in his room for quite a while. that's okay; it'll look nice.
so yeah. i'm going to go get in the shower and carry on with life as best i can. it's not what i'd hoped for and not what i'd planned but how often do we really get what we want anyway? somebody bigger and smarter than me obviously knows what is going on here, i'm just waiting to hear the details.
superjanel OUT.
04 March 2009
are we grading on a curve?
it smells like sausage at work today. there's no innuendo there, it just smells like a meat market. it's a little distracting - i'm trying to eat my animal crackers and drink my gatorade and my senses are overwhelmed with the scent of processed animal products. it's not doing a lot for my appetite.
how are you today? i'm okay. i slept really hard last night and that wasn't even due to the aid of cold, cough or allergy medicine. i think i was just tired. and with good reason. i'm back to my full-time schedule at work and while my job is far from physically taxing it wreaks havoc on me mentally. it gets hard listening to people's problems all day; things are just hard for everyone right now, across the board. i feel like i'm doing therapy again - the toll it takes on me is pretty similar. when i get home at night i just want to zone out, eat dinner, play with the dog and go to bed. and i have to say, that's the ideal life for a single someone in my condition. there are no discussions over what to have for dinner (cereal), there are no discussions about what to watch on tv (american idol) and there are no arguments over my lack of ambition to get out of the house and do something. because right now i pretty much don't want to do anything. there are advantages to being alone right now, i have to admit it.
but that doesn't mean that the bee and i aren't speaking. i left him alone for the better part of a week: no calls, no messages, no nothing. i found that when i was having the urge to talk to him i could just call someone else or distract myself with something else and i was actually better off for doing so: i wasn't worked up, i wasn't in tears, i wasn't stressed out. but the phone calls commenced about a week ago - about a week after our "episode." and the conversations that have taken place since leave me just as confused as i've ever been.
to paraphrase (heavily), we're not 100 percent happy together but we're both pretty miserable when we're apart. and it's not just me that agrees to this statement, it's a mutual feeling. but as far as what to do to fix it or if it can even be fixed, neither of us know what to do or how to feel. he feels that he makes and has made serious concessions toward my happiness and i feel i've done the same thing for him - we both feel slighted and diminished and under appreciated. but i wonder, and not really in advocation of being together but sort of as the devil's advocate - does anyone ever make anyone else 100 percent happy? will there ever be anyone who pleases me 100 percent of the time? is it like a school grading scale - "A" through "F"? anything above a 70 percent is passing? are we grading on a curve? (i am so screwed if this the case.) or is it just pass/fail, like 11th grade spanish?
(which by the way, i have never forgiven senora bellon for failing me for one little percentage point, when i *KNOW* she gave extra credit to other non-deserving students, not that this matters now...)
i don't know. i just don't know. i don't know what's best for me or for him, but i do know it's best for brodie if things stay calm. separate, together - we've got to relax. the bee says he wants to be at the birth, he wants to be in brodie's life (and not just on an every other weekend type of basis). but where does that leave us? because i'm not okay with the idea of platonically living under one roof and i don't believe that he is either. brodie is our number one concern right now; maybe if i just stop worrying about the bee and keep my priorities in line things will just work out? maybe if i just let it all go the right answer will appear?
sha, right. and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt; you people know i can't just let things go, it's not my nature.
but that's where i am right now. emotionally, not literally. literally, i'm at work, taking up space and causing drama just by breathing. i love giant heartless conglomerate bank.
*sigh*
how are you today? i'm okay. i slept really hard last night and that wasn't even due to the aid of cold, cough or allergy medicine. i think i was just tired. and with good reason. i'm back to my full-time schedule at work and while my job is far from physically taxing it wreaks havoc on me mentally. it gets hard listening to people's problems all day; things are just hard for everyone right now, across the board. i feel like i'm doing therapy again - the toll it takes on me is pretty similar. when i get home at night i just want to zone out, eat dinner, play with the dog and go to bed. and i have to say, that's the ideal life for a single someone in my condition. there are no discussions over what to have for dinner (cereal), there are no discussions about what to watch on tv (american idol) and there are no arguments over my lack of ambition to get out of the house and do something. because right now i pretty much don't want to do anything. there are advantages to being alone right now, i have to admit it.
but that doesn't mean that the bee and i aren't speaking. i left him alone for the better part of a week: no calls, no messages, no nothing. i found that when i was having the urge to talk to him i could just call someone else or distract myself with something else and i was actually better off for doing so: i wasn't worked up, i wasn't in tears, i wasn't stressed out. but the phone calls commenced about a week ago - about a week after our "episode." and the conversations that have taken place since leave me just as confused as i've ever been.
to paraphrase (heavily), we're not 100 percent happy together but we're both pretty miserable when we're apart. and it's not just me that agrees to this statement, it's a mutual feeling. but as far as what to do to fix it or if it can even be fixed, neither of us know what to do or how to feel. he feels that he makes and has made serious concessions toward my happiness and i feel i've done the same thing for him - we both feel slighted and diminished and under appreciated. but i wonder, and not really in advocation of being together but sort of as the devil's advocate - does anyone ever make anyone else 100 percent happy? will there ever be anyone who pleases me 100 percent of the time? is it like a school grading scale - "A" through "F"? anything above a 70 percent is passing? are we grading on a curve? (i am so screwed if this the case.) or is it just pass/fail, like 11th grade spanish?
(which by the way, i have never forgiven senora bellon for failing me for one little percentage point, when i *KNOW* she gave extra credit to other non-deserving students, not that this matters now...)
i don't know. i just don't know. i don't know what's best for me or for him, but i do know it's best for brodie if things stay calm. separate, together - we've got to relax. the bee says he wants to be at the birth, he wants to be in brodie's life (and not just on an every other weekend type of basis). but where does that leave us? because i'm not okay with the idea of platonically living under one roof and i don't believe that he is either. brodie is our number one concern right now; maybe if i just stop worrying about the bee and keep my priorities in line things will just work out? maybe if i just let it all go the right answer will appear?
sha, right. and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt; you people know i can't just let things go, it's not my nature.
but that's where i am right now. emotionally, not literally. literally, i'm at work, taking up space and causing drama just by breathing. i love giant heartless conglomerate bank.
*sigh*
02 March 2009
k-mart sucks, ray.
monday morning. again. wasn't it just monday morning a couple days ago? didn't we just have this day? this monday morning i'm back to work as a full-time employee at giant heartless conglomerate bank. i would be flat out lying to tell you that i'm looking forward to this change but i'm not dreading it as much as i have in the past. truth be told, i hate getting ready for work, i hate the idea of going to work. but once i'm there i pretty much zone out and do my thing and it's not so bad. well, it doesn't make me want to punch (most) people or run over things with my car, so i guess that's not so bad, right?
i went tv shopping with my momma yesterday; her tv went kaput in a major fashion. and because nothing is simple and because wal-mart sucks, she ended up spending more than she wanted to on her second choice of televisions. i really think wal-mart is all about the bait-and-switch scheme, for real - they have a wall full of nice flatscreen televisions at decent prices and when you ask for assistance, they're all, "nope we don't have that one, haven't had it forever, you're never gonna find it." well, didn't we just find it here, on your wall? but that doesn't matter because they're more than happy to show you this wonderful, slightly comparable television at a ridiculously higher price. but it does look nice in her living room.
ho-hum...
you know, i've got all these things on my mind, things i want to talk about but i just don't feel comfortable putting out here. which is weird, because this is usually the only place where i can really let it all out. i don't know if i'm just not ready or if i just don't want to hear the reaction to my thoughts; i'm just confused on a lot of things. i guess i'm feeling a little pent up but i'm the one censoring my speech so i don't even have anyone to yell at about that. i don't know. i don't know what i want to say and it's making me crazy.
i'm going to go eat breakfast and take the dog outside, then get ready for work. maybe i'll be more talkative later.
i went tv shopping with my momma yesterday; her tv went kaput in a major fashion. and because nothing is simple and because wal-mart sucks, she ended up spending more than she wanted to on her second choice of televisions. i really think wal-mart is all about the bait-and-switch scheme, for real - they have a wall full of nice flatscreen televisions at decent prices and when you ask for assistance, they're all, "nope we don't have that one, haven't had it forever, you're never gonna find it." well, didn't we just find it here, on your wall? but that doesn't matter because they're more than happy to show you this wonderful, slightly comparable television at a ridiculously higher price. but it does look nice in her living room.
ho-hum...
you know, i've got all these things on my mind, things i want to talk about but i just don't feel comfortable putting out here. which is weird, because this is usually the only place where i can really let it all out. i don't know if i'm just not ready or if i just don't want to hear the reaction to my thoughts; i'm just confused on a lot of things. i guess i'm feeling a little pent up but i'm the one censoring my speech so i don't even have anyone to yell at about that. i don't know. i don't know what i want to say and it's making me crazy.
i'm going to go eat breakfast and take the dog outside, then get ready for work. maybe i'll be more talkative later.
01 March 2009
and now you know the rest of the story...
i had the most amazing experience with my son this morning. we were playing together, as much as you can play with your child when he's in utero. he would kick and i would cover that spot on my belly and he would kick me again. this went on for about 15 minutes - kicking and covering and kicking and poking - it was incredible. it dawned on me that this isn't just a baby, this is a person. this is a person with his own little personality, likes and dislikes, he'll have his own agenda and his own goals. and to think about that is just awesome and terrifying all at once, especially when you consider his parents...
i couldn't sleep last night. i wasn't upset about anything, i just couldn't breathe and as such i couldn't sleep. when i'm sick i get all dramatic and melancholy, i act like my father. lucky for everyone i know there was no one here to witness this except for the dog and he's not really the most sympathetic creature i've ever encountered. but not sleeping provided for plenty of time for watching mindless television (infomercials and the weather channel) and reading idiotic books.
i assume you've heard about the snuggie, the blanket with sleeves? a friend of mine likened this to wearing your robe backwards which is pretty much the truth. i don't have enough fingers to count how many times i've seen this commercial in the last 72 hours but every time i see it, i have the same thought: the heaven's gate cult absolutely chartered the popularity of the snuggie and none of those poor bastards are around to reap the benefits. do you remember the heaven's gate cult? they wore red robes (snuggies! i swear they were snuggies!) and nike tennis shoes and they committed a mass suicide that aligned with the reappearance of the hale-bopp comet. (sad, just sad.) but if those people had had the foresight to market their fashions instead of downing vodka shots laced with phenobarbital they could have been the latest and greatest hollywood religion. move over kabbalah, move over scientology - tom cruise and his l. ron hubbard loving ass could have been on oprah singing the praises of marshall applewhite and the comfort of the snuggie!
but alas, that was not in the cards, which is odd for a group of people claiming to be so instrinsically in tune with the universe. (hmm...) and that is why i'll just wear my bathrobe backwards instead of buying a snuggie, even though if i call in the next 20 minutes i could get two (!) for the price of one. but it doesn't stop me from admiring the package at walgreen's while i'm in the "as seen on tv" aisle; i'd look pretty good in that shade of red.
moving on...
i'm boycotting the use of my dishwasher. because it's just me here now and i don't eat nearly as much when i'm alone (as opposed to being all relationship-ed up) i've resolved to handwash all my dishes to see if it makes much of a difference on my electric and water bill. oh, the things i do for fun when i'm bored. but of all the chores i have to do as an adult, dishes is far from the worst. my least favorite chore of all time is dusting. i will vacuum until the cows come home, i'll do laundry until i can't see, but i hate dusting. because no matter when i do it, it's the wrong time. if you dust after you vacuum then you're just wiping crap on the floor. and if you dust before you vacuum you'll just blow more dirt around with the vacuum and then everything looks like you need to dust again. so i just don't do it. it looks like the color is way off on my tv but it's really just a nice thick layer of dust and i'm okay with that.
did you hear about paul harvey? that made me sad, i loved paul harvey. even though towards the end he was looking less human and more like a wax museum version of himself, he was still fun to listen to. my grandma used to listen to him on the radio every day - i can remember being eight years old, in the blow up pool in her backyard, kitchen window open so she could keep an ear and an eye on me and hearing the noon news with paul harvey come drifting through on good ol' KMGO. that was one of the best summers of my life - i spent like six weeks at my grandma's house that summer, going to work, going to lunch, eating grilled cheese, shopping and just hanging out. she was a lot of fun. i miss her. i miss her a lot.
i'm going to my mom's today, i think we're going to look for a tv since hers is on its way out. i'm looking forward to getting out of the house and getting some sunshine, even if it is 10 below outside.
i couldn't sleep last night. i wasn't upset about anything, i just couldn't breathe and as such i couldn't sleep. when i'm sick i get all dramatic and melancholy, i act like my father. lucky for everyone i know there was no one here to witness this except for the dog and he's not really the most sympathetic creature i've ever encountered. but not sleeping provided for plenty of time for watching mindless television (infomercials and the weather channel) and reading idiotic books.
i assume you've heard about the snuggie, the blanket with sleeves? a friend of mine likened this to wearing your robe backwards which is pretty much the truth. i don't have enough fingers to count how many times i've seen this commercial in the last 72 hours but every time i see it, i have the same thought: the heaven's gate cult absolutely chartered the popularity of the snuggie and none of those poor bastards are around to reap the benefits. do you remember the heaven's gate cult? they wore red robes (snuggies! i swear they were snuggies!) and nike tennis shoes and they committed a mass suicide that aligned with the reappearance of the hale-bopp comet. (sad, just sad.) but if those people had had the foresight to market their fashions instead of downing vodka shots laced with phenobarbital they could have been the latest and greatest hollywood religion. move over kabbalah, move over scientology - tom cruise and his l. ron hubbard loving ass could have been on oprah singing the praises of marshall applewhite and the comfort of the snuggie!
but alas, that was not in the cards, which is odd for a group of people claiming to be so instrinsically in tune with the universe. (hmm...) and that is why i'll just wear my bathrobe backwards instead of buying a snuggie, even though if i call in the next 20 minutes i could get two (!) for the price of one. but it doesn't stop me from admiring the package at walgreen's while i'm in the "as seen on tv" aisle; i'd look pretty good in that shade of red.
moving on...
i'm boycotting the use of my dishwasher. because it's just me here now and i don't eat nearly as much when i'm alone (as opposed to being all relationship-ed up) i've resolved to handwash all my dishes to see if it makes much of a difference on my electric and water bill. oh, the things i do for fun when i'm bored. but of all the chores i have to do as an adult, dishes is far from the worst. my least favorite chore of all time is dusting. i will vacuum until the cows come home, i'll do laundry until i can't see, but i hate dusting. because no matter when i do it, it's the wrong time. if you dust after you vacuum then you're just wiping crap on the floor. and if you dust before you vacuum you'll just blow more dirt around with the vacuum and then everything looks like you need to dust again. so i just don't do it. it looks like the color is way off on my tv but it's really just a nice thick layer of dust and i'm okay with that.
did you hear about paul harvey? that made me sad, i loved paul harvey. even though towards the end he was looking less human and more like a wax museum version of himself, he was still fun to listen to. my grandma used to listen to him on the radio every day - i can remember being eight years old, in the blow up pool in her backyard, kitchen window open so she could keep an ear and an eye on me and hearing the noon news with paul harvey come drifting through on good ol' KMGO. that was one of the best summers of my life - i spent like six weeks at my grandma's house that summer, going to work, going to lunch, eating grilled cheese, shopping and just hanging out. she was a lot of fun. i miss her. i miss her a lot.
i'm going to my mom's today, i think we're going to look for a tv since hers is on its way out. i'm looking forward to getting out of the house and getting some sunshine, even if it is 10 below outside.
28 February 2009
my sudafed has worn off
i'm sick.
literally, i'm sick. do i have a cough due to cold? (ten points to the person who knows what movie that comes from!) why yes, yes i do. i have so much cough and so much cold i sound like i'm heaving up my pancreas. i cough all day, i cough all night - i'm coughing so much the dog won't even sleep in the bedroom because i keep him awake.
if that's not irony, i don't know what is.
i didn't go to work today. i'm not missing anything, i wasn't scheduled to go to work today, but it had crossed my mind that working could be good for me, even just to get out of the house and make some dollars. and then i got up at 5:03 a.m., when the alarm went off (because i hate setting my alarm for a "normal" time, like 5:00 or 6:45, it's just one of those things i like to do), took the dog outside, saw that it had snowed and promptly went back to bed, hacking up my organs along the way. i just wasn't in the mood to deal with assy people (coworkers and customers) or get the car dirty. although if i'd gone out in the snow i could have worn my cute new rain boots...
oh well. i think i'm just pissy because i don't feel well. maybe my mood will be better later.
literally, i'm sick. do i have a cough due to cold? (ten points to the person who knows what movie that comes from!) why yes, yes i do. i have so much cough and so much cold i sound like i'm heaving up my pancreas. i cough all day, i cough all night - i'm coughing so much the dog won't even sleep in the bedroom because i keep him awake.
if that's not irony, i don't know what is.
i didn't go to work today. i'm not missing anything, i wasn't scheduled to go to work today, but it had crossed my mind that working could be good for me, even just to get out of the house and make some dollars. and then i got up at 5:03 a.m., when the alarm went off (because i hate setting my alarm for a "normal" time, like 5:00 or 6:45, it's just one of those things i like to do), took the dog outside, saw that it had snowed and promptly went back to bed, hacking up my organs along the way. i just wasn't in the mood to deal with assy people (coworkers and customers) or get the car dirty. although if i'd gone out in the snow i could have worn my cute new rain boots...
oh well. i think i'm just pissy because i don't feel well. maybe my mood will be better later.
27 February 2009
i'm not gonna lie, this behavior is out of character.
would you say that desperation has set in? in my search for something, anything, to do to get out of the house and stop wallowing in my current situation - i have chosen to come to work.
pick your jaw up, i'm telling you the truth.
now i know what you're saying - superjanel, are you sick? yes, yes i am - i have an awful cold and cough, but that's not the reason. superjanel, have you gone mad? no, not really, no more than usual anyway.
folks, i'm just tired of staring at the same walls and pretending that sitting there doing nothing is going to make things better. long story short, it's not. and so i'm moving on, picking up what pieces i can pick up and attempting to make a bad situation better, at least for me and baby.
so here i am. i brought my cold and cough to work with the intention of infecting every person around me, except that it's friday night and there's hardly anyone here. so i may have to come back tomorrow...
but it's been a quiet week. have you ever heard me say that? i should say it again: it's been a quiet week. any drama that i've participated in has been largely self-created, because i don't see a certain someone else giving a rat's ass about me or this baby. but really - i've gone to work, i've gone home, i've walked the dog, i've eaten semi-healthy meals (except for the night i ate the entire frozen pizza), i've done all the laundry and kept the house clean - and i've had time to just sit back, relax and watch a lot of the weather channel.
i think it's good for me.
pick your jaw up, i'm telling you the truth.
now i know what you're saying - superjanel, are you sick? yes, yes i am - i have an awful cold and cough, but that's not the reason. superjanel, have you gone mad? no, not really, no more than usual anyway.
folks, i'm just tired of staring at the same walls and pretending that sitting there doing nothing is going to make things better. long story short, it's not. and so i'm moving on, picking up what pieces i can pick up and attempting to make a bad situation better, at least for me and baby.
so here i am. i brought my cold and cough to work with the intention of infecting every person around me, except that it's friday night and there's hardly anyone here. so i may have to come back tomorrow...
but it's been a quiet week. have you ever heard me say that? i should say it again: it's been a quiet week. any drama that i've participated in has been largely self-created, because i don't see a certain someone else giving a rat's ass about me or this baby. but really - i've gone to work, i've gone home, i've walked the dog, i've eaten semi-healthy meals (except for the night i ate the entire frozen pizza), i've done all the laundry and kept the house clean - and i've had time to just sit back, relax and watch a lot of the weather channel.
i think it's good for me.
24 February 2009
so... what's next?
i got the answers i was looking for. not necessarily the answers i wanted to hear but least now i'm not left wondering. i spent many hours yesterday near hysteria; i felt like i couldn't pull it together - i felt like i wouldn't be able to pull it together. and i realize now that i don't have any choice. it's no longer sink or swim because i don't have the option of sinking. kind of scary, kind of fascinating. i've made bad decisions before but i've always had someone to bail me out. this time is different.
22 February 2009
questions no one can answer
without going into the gory details, let me just say that my weekend has been perfectly awful. i've been places and seen things that i've never wanted to see - an experience that was completely unjustified and totally avoidable, were the bee and i not so dramatic and stubborn and stupid. that being said, the events that took place this weekend leave me in what i consider a difficult place. i know what others think i should do and i know what my head is telling me to - but for some reason, i can't turn my heart off. i can't make the pain go away. and no matter what the final outcome is between the two of us, there will always be this connection, this baby, and the knowing that things weren't always as bad as they were recently - and that breaks my heart.
i love the bee. i love him more than i should; i let him walk all over me and then come back and do it again. i love him in spite of the faults that i know that he has and probably will never overcome. but i don't know if that's enough to repair the damage that's been done. i'm sad. i'm heartbroken. i'm angry. i'm humiliated over the things that took place. and yet, part of me is still waiting to hear, waiting to see. and knowing that i'm probably the only one that cares is tearing me apart.
how do i turn that off? how do i walk away? when does this get easier? when did it become okay to be so weak?
i love the bee. i love him more than i should; i let him walk all over me and then come back and do it again. i love him in spite of the faults that i know that he has and probably will never overcome. but i don't know if that's enough to repair the damage that's been done. i'm sad. i'm heartbroken. i'm angry. i'm humiliated over the things that took place. and yet, part of me is still waiting to hear, waiting to see. and knowing that i'm probably the only one that cares is tearing me apart.
how do i turn that off? how do i walk away? when does this get easier? when did it become okay to be so weak?
19 February 2009
the zoo in the bedroom.
i sleep with a dog, two rabbits - and lately, a goose.
you know about the dog. pootie likes to wiggle right in between us at night. the rabbits, well, you probably don't know about these unless you're privy to the embarrassing details that go along with being the janel, which means that if you don't know, i'm not going to tell you.
but the goose? this one's new.
the bee's snoring has gone from mildly annoying to absolutely sleep depriving. sleep depriving for me, that is. because somehow he's able to sleep through the snot-sniffling-bed-shaking-comforter-fluffing-GOOSE-HONKING racket that he makes in his slumber. i swear, it sounds like we're raising canadian geese in the bedroom. we've tried the throat spray, the nose strips - he even talked to the doctor today about the possibility of sleep apnea. (the doctor says it's not likely and i have to agree - in spite of all the noise, i never notice that he's not breathing. i guess it's possible i can't hear his gasping for air over the honking and snorting but probably not.)
does anyone have any suggestions for living with a chronic snorer? i've offered to hold a pillow over his face on a couple different occasions but so far the bee's not too keen on that idea.
i'm at my wit's end over my lack of sleep. and i can't even blame it all on him - there are nights when the dog keeps me awake, having to go outside or hogging the bed or whatever. more often than not, i'm awake because i can't get comfortable, stay comfortable or i have to pee. i'm peeing 4-6 times a night, which isn't doing anything for my sleep habits. combine that with the fact that it takes a good 5 minutes to comfortably (ha!) roll over and another 5 minutes to get comfortable (ha!) once i get back to bed and suddenly a trip to the bathroom and back takes at least 15 minutes, start to finish.
good times.
i've altered my work schedule (and gone part-time, did i ever mention that?) to allow me to be home in the afternoon so i can try to nap and catch up on sleep. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
today was a day that it didn't work.
this morning the bee and i decided to leave the pootie out of his kennel in an attempt to let him be a big dog - a few hours home alone to see if he can handle a little freedom. the short answer? no. the dog cannot handle freedom. long answer? i will never, never, ever allow this dog to be unkenneled when there is no one home ever again.
i was sitting at my desk this morning and i just had this feeling that something was going wrong with the dog. so i left at 11 instead of noon and had visions of finding shoes and rugs shredded in the middle of the living room floor.
no such luck. i came home to find a happy pootie waiting at the door when i came in. he then led me upstairs to show me his morning's work. he'd pulled everything within his reach (and he must have inspector gadget stretchy arms) off the counters and onto the floor with the intent of destroying it.
and he succeeded. he succeeded in tearing apart my new purse and my make up bag, eating a bottle of lotion, three sticks of chapstick, about 12 ink pens, a handful of cough drops and a $24 tube of bright pink lip gloss, which is now ground so far into the carpet you can see it in the garage below. it took nearly an hour to clean it all up and i still can't get the pink spots out of the carpet. when i looked at him a little closer, i could see he had pink slime hanging off his lips, cough drop menthol breath and black and blue ink all over his white paws. and he still smells a little strange even now, about 12 hours later.
good times.
so instead of napping like i wanted to do, i had to be the disciplinarian. pootie had to sit in his kennel and watch me scrub and vacuum the floor. it wasn't a good afternoon. but it was the perfect topping to a awfully crappy morning. i don't feel like going into it but suffice to say i won't work for the gestapo much longer.
anyway. i have other things i could talk about but all i'm doing is complaining. wahh, wahh, wahh... that and i really have to pee so i'm logging off. hopefully tomorrow is better.
you know about the dog. pootie likes to wiggle right in between us at night. the rabbits, well, you probably don't know about these unless you're privy to the embarrassing details that go along with being the janel, which means that if you don't know, i'm not going to tell you.
but the goose? this one's new.
the bee's snoring has gone from mildly annoying to absolutely sleep depriving. sleep depriving for me, that is. because somehow he's able to sleep through the snot-sniffling-bed-shaking-comforter-fluffing-GOOSE-HONKING racket that he makes in his slumber. i swear, it sounds like we're raising canadian geese in the bedroom. we've tried the throat spray, the nose strips - he even talked to the doctor today about the possibility of sleep apnea. (the doctor says it's not likely and i have to agree - in spite of all the noise, i never notice that he's not breathing. i guess it's possible i can't hear his gasping for air over the honking and snorting but probably not.)
does anyone have any suggestions for living with a chronic snorer? i've offered to hold a pillow over his face on a couple different occasions but so far the bee's not too keen on that idea.
i'm at my wit's end over my lack of sleep. and i can't even blame it all on him - there are nights when the dog keeps me awake, having to go outside or hogging the bed or whatever. more often than not, i'm awake because i can't get comfortable, stay comfortable or i have to pee. i'm peeing 4-6 times a night, which isn't doing anything for my sleep habits. combine that with the fact that it takes a good 5 minutes to comfortably (ha!) roll over and another 5 minutes to get comfortable (ha!) once i get back to bed and suddenly a trip to the bathroom and back takes at least 15 minutes, start to finish.
good times.
i've altered my work schedule (and gone part-time, did i ever mention that?) to allow me to be home in the afternoon so i can try to nap and catch up on sleep. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
today was a day that it didn't work.
this morning the bee and i decided to leave the pootie out of his kennel in an attempt to let him be a big dog - a few hours home alone to see if he can handle a little freedom. the short answer? no. the dog cannot handle freedom. long answer? i will never, never, ever allow this dog to be unkenneled when there is no one home ever again.
i was sitting at my desk this morning and i just had this feeling that something was going wrong with the dog. so i left at 11 instead of noon and had visions of finding shoes and rugs shredded in the middle of the living room floor.
no such luck. i came home to find a happy pootie waiting at the door when i came in. he then led me upstairs to show me his morning's work. he'd pulled everything within his reach (and he must have inspector gadget stretchy arms) off the counters and onto the floor with the intent of destroying it.
and he succeeded. he succeeded in tearing apart my new purse and my make up bag, eating a bottle of lotion, three sticks of chapstick, about 12 ink pens, a handful of cough drops and a $24 tube of bright pink lip gloss, which is now ground so far into the carpet you can see it in the garage below. it took nearly an hour to clean it all up and i still can't get the pink spots out of the carpet. when i looked at him a little closer, i could see he had pink slime hanging off his lips, cough drop menthol breath and black and blue ink all over his white paws. and he still smells a little strange even now, about 12 hours later.
good times.
so instead of napping like i wanted to do, i had to be the disciplinarian. pootie had to sit in his kennel and watch me scrub and vacuum the floor. it wasn't a good afternoon. but it was the perfect topping to a awfully crappy morning. i don't feel like going into it but suffice to say i won't work for the gestapo much longer.
anyway. i have other things i could talk about but all i'm doing is complaining. wahh, wahh, wahh... that and i really have to pee so i'm logging off. hopefully tomorrow is better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)