19 March 2009

impossible is my middle name

you guys know how i am. when things get weird or uncomfortable for me, i get kind of quiet. this time is no different. i could tell you it's been calm around here. i could tell you that not much has happened or changed in the last few days. but that would be a lie. truth be told, it's hard to talk when you've got a mouthful of humble pie, as i do right now.

the bee came back last week, bearing roses and mexican food for dinner. not one to turn down a free meal, i let him in and let him talk. he's been in and out since then, he's stayed over a couple times, he put together brodie's crib and changing table, he went to baby school with me over the weekend. he says he spoke out of anger and frustration, he wants to be here for me and for brodie, he loves me. in spite of the incident a few weeks ago, we've been able to talk about a few things and we're each making steps to think before we speak and to try to look at things from the other's perspective.

it's what i wanted; i ought to be thrilled.

except i'm not. and i'm not sure why. i keep waiting to hear the thud of the other shoe when it finally hits the floor. i think i've been conditioned to be suspicious of the good times. and so to hurry along what i believe is the inevitable i'm undermining all of the positive things that appear to be happening around me. i'm overthinking everything - i'm too busy reading between the lines to see the writing on the wall, so to speak. there's always a catch, right? am i so wrong to think that there's an underlying cause to this behavior or should i take it at face value and appreciate what i've got, what i'm getting, while i'm getting it?

i'm just confused. i'm confused about the expectations we have for one another; i'm not sure if this is all temporary until the baby gets here or until something better comes along. i thought i knew what i wanted and then when i get it i complain that it just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel the same, it doesn't feel good - or maybe it doesn't feel good enough. the thing is, i'm the one that's responsible for building up these unattainable goals, these unrealistic expectations. where do i get them? everywhere i look, every couple i know has some sort of issue - big and small, no relationship is immune to problems. so where do i get the idea that things will be different for me? once again i find myself wondering when good enough is just that.

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