31 March 2009

toilet humor, among other things

so there's this quiz on parents.com: "what kind of dad will he be?" and one of the questions is, "when the two of you throw a party, you can count on him to... A) keep everyone laughing, B) make his famous five alarm chili or C) hire the best caterer in town." i had to stop taking the quiz after this question as i was thoroughly stumped. there was no option D) get completely shitfaced and have to be carried to bed.

and yes, this is how i spend my time at work.

i have a lot on my mind this morning. some of it's important, some of it's just dumb. most of it's just dumb.

for instance - here's some dumb for you. it so happens that i spend a lot of time in the bathroom at work. there are several reasons for this, the first and most important being that i have to pee about 3 times an hour. the second reason, which is also important but not as much as the former, is that the bathroom is oft used as a reprieve from stupid customers or stupid coworkers. sometimes i just go there to nap. (only once, i swear. i felt pretty dumb coming out and my butt hurt really bad.)

anyway. with all the time i spend going back and forth, to and fro, i have a lot of time to think. and this morning i was thinking about underpants.

due to my current "condition" my underpant-buying habits have slowed to a complete halt. the last pair of underpants i bought weren't actually bought at all. and no, i didn't pocket them. it was one of those free panty giveaways at victoria's secret. do you guys get those cards in the mail too? i used to get them all the time and for some reason, i've not received any lately. so i got to thinking about this. does vs discriminate against the preggo? are they teamed up with the diaper giveaway people so that you only get offers for one free thing at a time - "oh, you're getting free diapers in the mail, you don't have a need for free thongs?" maybe they're offended that their last offer for free underpants was redeemed for BAPs - big ass panties - and they've removed me from any future mailings because i obviously don't fit the criteria for their target audience.

but let's face it, at this size and shape, i'm not fitting into much these days. you have no idea how i long to wear regular jeans again. i can't wait for real jeans that button and zip.


ready for more dumb? i've got dumb for you. this train of thought also starts in the bathroom (shock!) - i encountered a new breed of weird this morning. i watched this chick wash her hands prior to entering the stall and then re-wash her hands upon exiting. now, part of me says, kudos to her for fully embracing her ocd at work. but on the other hand (lol, no pun intended) that's a lot of soap and water and paper towels she's using there - that certainly doesn't jive with giant conglomerate bank's effort to be the biggest, greenest bank in the world. imagine if we all washed before and after we did our business - that's a lot of wasted resources. so what's the answer here - really clean hands and a lot of dead trees or only moderately clean hands and a company's reputation saved?

and don't think that i'm mocking the severity of anyone's ocd. for crying out loud, i'm the girl that will drive by her own house seven times to make sure the garage door is shut and hasn't magically reopened.

yeah. that's me. and that was just last week.

i just realized that i made myself sound like a total bathroom lurker. i'm really not. i'm just really good at wasting time - mine and yours too, obviously. :)

enough dumb. how about some important stuff?

so brodie's crib mobile arrived yesterday and it is the cutest. thing. ever. for real. it makes the pootie crazy (which makes me wonder about the struggles we'll have over baby toys and pootie toys) but i love it. i got it all attached to his crib and just sat there yesterday afternoon and watched it for an absurd amount of time. but that got me thinking about the fact that we're only about six weeks away from baby day and i have a lot to do. and even more to buy!

it's been decided that i'm not having a baby shower. several factors played into this - it's not all about me and the bee.

1) the family and friends that i would invite, for the most part anyway, live far away. on top of that, i've been hitting these people up for money and gifts on a regular basis for the last 10 years. "look at me, i'm graduating high school! send me money, i'm getting married! send me more money, i'm getting married again! hey, check me out, i've harlan-ed my way through college but i'm finally graduating - send me some shit!" it just seems rude to ask for baby gifts after all the invitations that have gone out in the mail over the years.

2) there is some animosity between families of the bee and i. basically, my family can't stand him and his thinks that i'm a total raging lunatic. and why on earth would they buy gifts for the child of a total raging lunatic?

3) and this one wasn't as much of a factor as the first two, but many people i know are struggling financially right now. it seems really selfish of me to assume they have the means (never mind the desire) to purchase things for me and baby brodie.

so yeah. we registered and did all that, but it seems it was for naught. no shower, no hassle. and i really do like it that way. but it does leave more of a burden on me and the bee to find a way to provide all these things that we apparently need when we have trouble paying the rent most months. so we're relying on a lot of hand-me-downs and craigslist and ebay. and things are coming together, slowly but surely. there are a few big things we have to get - a carseat is one of them. there are a few big things that i'd like to get - a dresser, a swing, a pack-n-play - but they're not necessities. and then there's things that are obviously not necessary for survival but just sound like fun - like pee-pee teepees. don't those just sound like fun?

oh yeah.

so me and the bee. on again, off again. up and down. two steps forward, thirteen steps sideways and four steps back all while doing the hand jive. we agree, we disagree, we agree to disagree. who knows? i've decided to take a lackadaisical approach to the whole thing - it is what it is, maybe it'll get better, maybe it'll get worse. maybe we'll get it together, maybe we'll learn to be apart. all i know is that for right now, i can't deal with the drama anymore. so i'm not going to. and that's all i have to say about that. for right now, anyway.

superjanel out.

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