26 May 2009

can i have four beers?

it feels like monday. it's really tuesday. the holiday on monday has messed up my week already, not that i had anything big planned - my days pretty much run together anymore. save for the occasional trip to target or the post office, all my days are pretty much the same. and that's okay, me and brodie do just fine - putzing around, doing a whole lot of not much at all. he's my little buddy. :-)

one thing i did have to do today was go to court. see, i never really offered a lot of detail before, but a few months ago i found myself in a just a wee little bit of legal trouble. the circumstances were pathetic and far from ideal but it was technically my fault. and so i've been sweating the outcome for the last few months. my pre-trial conference was today and i was fully prepared for whatever that means, i really didn't know. in fact, i still don't know what goes on at those because at mine, my attorney and the county attorney negotiated a lesser charge, one that i don't have to disclose to potential employers, and a teeny weeny fine. WOOHOO! i am jailbird janel no longer!

i can say that the experience has taught me that i have completely missed my calling. i should have been an attorney. how terrific would i be at a job where i argue with people all day for lots of money? i mean really. i would rock that job like a hurricane and we're not talking wimpy little tropical storms. i could katrina that job if i set my mind to it. BUT... but that would mean how much more school? and how much more in student loans? and right now all i want to do is talk baby talk to little man; i'm hardly suitable for adult conversation.

however, speaking of school, i am considering another bout of grad school. there are some programs locally and at the school where i did my undergrad that sound interesting and at least worth investigating. i may end up being the most educated stay-at-home-parent in my zip code but at least i'll feel good about myself, right? riiiight...

the bee and i were discussing daycare and my venture back to the whippy dip and most likely (eventually) giant conglomerate bank. neither of us are too excited for me to go back to work and put the little man in daycare. in spite of my education, i'll be working to pay for someone to watch the little guy and very little else. i've never wanted to work (let's be honest, i hate working and i'm really good at staying home) but now i actually have a reason to stay home - a really good reason. again, i'm not sure what the answer to this dilemma is - hopefully something presents itself soon. technically, i'm supposed to be back at giant conglomerate bank by the middle of next month and back to the whippy dip even earlier than that. i just don't know.

i may have already mentioned this, but the idea of someone watching little man all day everyday bothers me immensely. i don't want to miss out on watching him grow up and do all the spectacular things that little ones do. but the advice i've been given (not to mention my own conscience) is leading me to believe that falling into the position of a stay-at-home-mom - dependent on someone else (ahem, buzz buzz) to bring home the bacon and be happy about it - may not be the most sound decision at this point.

and as long as i'm talking about things that have bothered me, let me bring this up. my son turned three weeks old yesterday, right? three weeks. and he's met the majority of his family and lots of his extended family even. but do you know who hasn't rushed up to see him, in spite of the fact that he said that he would? my dad. my dad has yet to meet his grandson. my dad and his crazy wife have yet to drive 90 minutes to meet my son. my dad, who on the day i delivered, said that he'd be there. my dad, who two days after i delivered said that he'd make the trip up that first weekend. yup. my dad hasn't so much as called to see how we're doing, much less travel to meet my baby. do you have any idea how much this bothers me? when i called my dad the monday after mother's day, guess what we talked about? we talked about my half-sister's kids and his crazy wife's grandkids. i got all of 30 seconds in on the topic of the fabulousness of baby brodie; he just didn't want to talk about it.

i can't even begin to explain how peeved i am - how much i'm insulted by his behavior. yes, i know, concessions should be made because my father isn't the man he used to be. and i ought to cut him some slack because he's old and not well. but i'm going to come right out and say that i'm tired of making concessions for someone who only has his own best interests at heart. i'm tired of making excuses based on a lack of good health and mental instability for this man. i understand that he is what he is and i should accept him for that - he's always been a flake and we've (my brothers and i) always come second to his life, his agenda, his needs. but i am honestly hurt by his lack of interest in the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. and i'm not going to be the one to reach out anymore. he's the one that's missing out on getting to know brodie. lucky for brodie, he has other grandparents that adore him and can't see him often enough.

and now my blood pressure is through the roof. i need a pill. or maybe a beer. do you know that i haven't had a drop to drink in 10 months? i know that i'm able to drink now but i'm afraid that the first sip will knock my ass out; i've lost my tolerance and i'm back to being the drunk chick two sips into my margarita at the mexican restaurant.

oh, woe is me.

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