04 March 2009

are we grading on a curve?

it smells like sausage at work today. there's no innuendo there, it just smells like a meat market. it's a little distracting - i'm trying to eat my animal crackers and drink my gatorade and my senses are overwhelmed with the scent of processed animal products. it's not doing a lot for my appetite.

how are you today? i'm okay. i slept really hard last night and that wasn't even due to the aid of cold, cough or allergy medicine. i think i was just tired. and with good reason. i'm back to my full-time schedule at work and while my job is far from physically taxing it wreaks havoc on me mentally. it gets hard listening to people's problems all day; things are just hard for everyone right now, across the board. i feel like i'm doing therapy again - the toll it takes on me is pretty similar. when i get home at night i just want to zone out, eat dinner, play with the dog and go to bed. and i have to say, that's the ideal life for a single someone in my condition. there are no discussions over what to have for dinner (cereal), there are no discussions about what to watch on tv (american idol) and there are no arguments over my lack of ambition to get out of the house and do something. because right now i pretty much don't want to do anything. there are advantages to being alone right now, i have to admit it.

but that doesn't mean that the bee and i aren't speaking. i left him alone for the better part of a week: no calls, no messages, no nothing. i found that when i was having the urge to talk to him i could just call someone else or distract myself with something else and i was actually better off for doing so: i wasn't worked up, i wasn't in tears, i wasn't stressed out. but the phone calls commenced about a week ago - about a week after our "episode." and the conversations that have taken place since leave me just as confused as i've ever been.

to paraphrase (heavily), we're not 100 percent happy together but we're both pretty miserable when we're apart. and it's not just me that agrees to this statement, it's a mutual feeling. but as far as what to do to fix it or if it can even be fixed, neither of us know what to do or how to feel. he feels that he makes and has made serious concessions toward my happiness and i feel i've done the same thing for him - we both feel slighted and diminished and under appreciated. but i wonder, and not really in advocation of being together but sort of as the devil's advocate - does anyone ever make anyone else 100 percent happy? will there ever be anyone who pleases me 100 percent of the time? is it like a school grading scale - "A" through "F"? anything above a 70 percent is passing? are we grading on a curve? (i am so screwed if this the case.) or is it just pass/fail, like 11th grade spanish?

(which by the way, i have never forgiven senora bellon for failing me for one little percentage point, when i *KNOW* she gave extra credit to other non-deserving students, not that this matters now...)

i don't know. i just don't know. i don't know what's best for me or for him, but i do know it's best for brodie if things stay calm. separate, together - we've got to relax. the bee says he wants to be at the birth, he wants to be in brodie's life (and not just on an every other weekend type of basis). but where does that leave us? because i'm not okay with the idea of platonically living under one roof and i don't believe that he is either. brodie is our number one concern right now; maybe if i just stop worrying about the bee and keep my priorities in line things will just work out? maybe if i just let it all go the right answer will appear?

sha, right. and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt; you people know i can't just let things go, it's not my nature.

but that's where i am right now. emotionally, not literally. literally, i'm at work, taking up space and causing drama just by breathing. i love giant heartless conglomerate bank.


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