22 February 2009

questions no one can answer

without going into the gory details, let me just say that my weekend has been perfectly awful. i've been places and seen things that i've never wanted to see - an experience that was completely unjustified and totally avoidable, were the bee and i not so dramatic and stubborn and stupid. that being said, the events that took place this weekend leave me in what i consider a difficult place. i know what others think i should do and i know what my head is telling me to - but for some reason, i can't turn my heart off. i can't make the pain go away. and no matter what the final outcome is between the two of us, there will always be this connection, this baby, and the knowing that things weren't always as bad as they were recently - and that breaks my heart.

i love the bee. i love him more than i should; i let him walk all over me and then come back and do it again. i love him in spite of the faults that i know that he has and probably will never overcome. but i don't know if that's enough to repair the damage that's been done. i'm sad. i'm heartbroken. i'm angry. i'm humiliated over the things that took place. and yet, part of me is still waiting to hear, waiting to see. and knowing that i'm probably the only one that cares is tearing me apart.

how do i turn that off? how do i walk away? when does this get easier? when did it become okay to be so weak?

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