a resolute determination is the truest wisdom*

it's that time of year again. everyone is making a list of their new year's resolutions. i generally don't buy into that - they never materialize. nothing ever comes of them. it's like an excuse to fail at a goal. and it's not just me, we're an entire nation of resolution failures. we're a nation with no resolve: all sorts of things we'd like to change about ourselves, our lives but no commitment to make it better.

its pretty sad, if you think about it. these are things that no one (generally, no one) is asking you to change about yourself; these are things that you know need attention and you want to fix. but in a few months' time, or even just a few days or hours, we tumble down the rabbit hole and back into our old ways.

i'm just as guilty. in fact, instead of setting resolutions for myself, i like to set them for other people. i feel like less of a failure that way and i can blame someone else when things go amok.

but this year is different. this year i have to grow up. i can't be the same irresponsible person i've been for the last 27 years; i have to be an adult and sooner or later i'm going to have to be a parent. i guess what i'm trying to say is that this year, i would like to have resolve enough to accomplish something that i want to do, that i want to change about me. i'd like to be able to take a flaw and improve upon it.

you can collectively shut your mouths. yes, i just admitted i'm not perfect.

but it's not much of a resolution just to be more resolute. so as soon as i think of something that i'd like to improve upon, i'll let you know. no seriously, i'll think of something between now and monday night.

i promise.

(*ps - napoleon said that; i can't take credit for it.)

and the award goes to...

i forgot to mention i have found the most ingenious product on the market right now.

**puffs with vicks vapo-rub scent**

wow. it's a whole new experience in blowing your nose.

i need a cliffs notes for captain jack sparrow.

okay, mom. you were right. i should have gone to the doctor yesterday. it would have prevented me being out on the roads with all the retards playing bumper cars (and trucks and vans) in the snow. so to the doctor i went, where i learned i have an inner ear infection and a raging, nasty cold. and because apparently you're not supposed to breathe without getting permission from a doctor when you're preggo, i mentioned to her that i'm having tremendously (not)awesome dandruff. i wanted to know if it was okay to use a dandruff shampoo. she just laughed and said, 'you'll be fine if you don't drink it.'

der.

however, she did say at my ob appointment next month, we should be able to hear the heartbeat or maybe even see a picture by ultrasound. won't that be amazing?

so this morning because i got caught up on the blogs i like to read. and it seems like no one blogs any more - they're all writing books that stemmed from their blogs. seriously - at least four or five of them that i link to have book deals. and several others don't even write anymore, which is even more sad. so i'm going to have to update my links. or maybe just take them down altogether. :(

tomorrow i work job #2. i haven't been there for a few weeks. this may be one of the last times i work there, and this time its not any choice of my own. the business has been up for sale for several months now and i believe a buyer is in the wings. i think that most people will retain their jobs, with the exception of my poor momma. it's hard to believe that everything happens for a reason when you're the only one that will be out of a job when the sale is complete - she's upset and rightfully so. but i can't help to think that maybe there really is a reason. we just don't know what it is yet...

and once again, i've accomplished absolutely nothing today. it's a trend that will continue this evening, i'm sure. we're watching the pirate of the carribbean movies. i understood the first one and the second one, but this third one isn't making an ounce of sense to me. this whole "davy jones' locker" thing is just weird. have you people seen this movie? i don't get it. and i can't even ask the bee, he's asleep. i think he's having preggo sympathy fatigue.

get in the kitchen and make me a pot pie.

work is slow. painfully slow. i mean, there is literally nothing to do on my "to-do" list. and while generally i think that's pretty awesome, i am ready to pull my hair out today. i have done absolutely nothing. accomplished nothing. and you know what's on the agenda for tomorrow? nothing. i'm considering bringing a book to read while i'm at work; it is that freaking slow. too bad we don't have a washing machine here; i'd bring my laundry. "yup, we have great availability of 2008 gmc sierras - oh! hold on, that was the dryer. i need to fold my underwear..." but just one more day and then i'm off (from job #1) for four whole days. i am working at job #2, but that hardly seems like work.

this weekend is the bee's birthday. guess how old he's going to be? 23. that cracks me up. i'm a little excited that for about five weeks, i won't be five years older than him and then i won't feel like such a pederass, walter. but this weekend is his birthday and he won't tell me if he wants anything or if he wants to do anything... he's sort of being a pain in the butt about it, truth be told. and yet, if i don't do something or if i don't get him anything, i'm sure i'll never hear the end of it. "you don't love me, you didn't do anything for my birthday, wahh, wahh, wahh..." so i don't know. anyone have any suggestions?

how was your christmas? mine was wonderful, once the bee and i stopped arguing. we had a knock-down, drag-out fight on christmas adam (the day before christmas eve) and he ended up spending the day with his family alone and i ended up wrapping presents at my mom's. i hate arguing with him; he throws these really wonderful tantrums that just make my blood boil. but i'm sure i'm no picnic. anyway, we resolved our differences in the name of christmas spirit and fuel economy.

we spent christmas eve with my family. my gifts to others seemed paltry in comparison to years past and that made me feel a little bad (i mean, come on - i even regifted one present and i never do that!), even though everyone seemed pleased. its just one of those holidays where it seems no matter what i do, i always want to do more. and this year it just was not possible.

once again, and in spite of tremendous physical pain, my mom remembered all the weird little things i said i wanted throughout the year. i got the postsecret books, which i've wanted forever, and i got new pans (which we desperately needed) and i got really-not-so-awesome pg lady clothes. not that the clothes aren't awesome, it's just not awesome that i'm going to be as big as a grain silo in a few months. i'm not really looking forward to that at all. but the clothes are cute and i'm aware that they are a necessary evil. OH! and we got teeny weeny little baby slippers with ducks on them, and hats and blankets. too freaking cute.

we spent christmas eve night and christmas morning with his family. they're weird but mostly loveable. his mom hugged me before we left and said she loved me and wants me to be sure that i came around on a regular basis. it made me cry. i like his mom; she seems to be a good person and for the most part rational. his family seems pretty accepting of the situation; i got a good ribbing from most of them and things seemed okay. and now i feel a bazillion times better about that situation.

christmas day afternoon we spent with my father and his wife. it was phenomenal. (this is me, being sarcastic.) i had to bribe the bee to eat (and if you know the bee, that is really saying something. that boy never turns down food, ever.) for christmas day dinner with my dad and stepmom, we had overcooked ham, undercooked potatoes and mush that used to be mixed vegetables. i ate a lot of rolls. and then we left, because it was starting to smell like a bar, with all the cigarette smoke in an 8 by 10 room. blecch...

i was happy to be home on christmas night, away from people and just quiet. but the bee was restless and so we ended up at prairie meadows. on christmas day, of all things - can you imagine? that place was packed, which i found sort of shocking: why weren't these people home with their families? and then i realized they were kind of like me, probly just happy to have christmas over with and blowing off steam. and gambling away their christmas money. (i didn't do that, by the way, i didn't have any money. so i spent the bee's money. :) ) but it was okay. i'm honestly just happy that christmas is over; there's so much build up for it.

although, i have to admit, i prefer the christmas commercials that are no longer running to the political commercials that have taken their place. good god. i've considered caucusing but all the candidates are so unrelenting and catty - i can't imagine what it would be like to be surrounded by hundreds of their followers in a small room. blecch. besides, have you ever read about the actual caucus process? with all due respect, it's pretty fucking gay. nobody puts this baby in the corner; not for hillary or obama or edwards or anyone. thanks but no thanks, i'll just stay home and watch the results on tv. because for a week afterward, that is all that will be on tv.

i have a terrible cold; have i mentioned that? i know i mentioned that i've accomplished nothing today. that's sort of untrue if you consider coughing, sneezing, blowing and sniffling something. because i've done a lot of that. and the really fun part? are you ready for this? sometimes when i sneeze i feel like i'm going to pee my pants. that must be part of this whole baby thing, because i'm normally not a pants pisser. that sort of sucks. you know what else sucks? morning sickness. that really sucks. because i don't like to puke before i even get out of bed. the bee has to bring me a bucket before i can even roll over. that's like number one on my list of not-awesome things today.

ugh. just a few more minutes and then i get to go home. i'm hungry. what's for dinner? who's cooking? not me. and not the bee, he's out with friends. maybe i'll make fish sticks. or maybe i'll make grilled cheese, that sounds good. you know what i can't get enough of lately? sunkist orange soda. no caffiene, but plenty of sugar, i'm sure. i like to fool myself into thinking that if it tastes like orange it must be good for me. lol... okay. i'm off.

love,
superjanel

and it wasn't even springy.

i just threw 35$ worth of pizza off the balcony.

i'm still not sure why...

you're not the boss of me!

oh dear. its thursday, four days before christmas, and i'm home from work because i'm sick (but feeling a little better). i'm a horrible sick person - i'm whiny and nasty and dramatic - so i pity the people that are stuck with me for the next nine months. but i've got to get my shit together at work. i don't think i'm in any danger of losing my job; my boss is a good person and i think she understands, but that goodwill is shortlived, i'm sure. so i'm just going to start tossing cookies into the garbage can under my desk and hoping for the best, coworkers be damned.

god, that sounds absolutely disgusting.

so the bee and i have been better. i think some parental intervention (from my parents and his) have brought his attitude around somewhat. i think he finds me frustrating, being sick and/or asleep all the time. i have an ever-growing list of smells that i absolutely cannot stand right now and most of his favorite foods are on it. i'm a hormonal head trip most of the time and when i'm not, i'm asleep. i can't seem to get enough sleep. which leaves little time for extracurricular activities, if you know what i mean, dude. but between the sore boobs and the sensitive olfactory glands, this just isn't the time for love.

apparently we got plenty of that a few weeks ago, anyway...

but in all seriousness, he is coming around. he made dinner last night and offered the night before that. he's been nothing but sweet, and when we argue, he apologizes, even when i think i'm probably the one to be apologizing. he says he's excited and seems interested in my ongoing quest for information about this whole "baby" process. i'm buying books and scouring the web for information and then i'm sharing the particularly interesting and/or scary things with him. and he's taking it like a champ. i showed him the pictures of how big baby is (or is not, really) at this stage and we both agreed it's pretty amazing the way the whole thing works.

i guess the biggest surprise i've experienced is just realizing how much i care about him, even if he's not perfect and not the one i would have expected to be with me when this happened. does that sound bad? i don't mean it that way. i think we both came into this relationship with pretty low expectations where the future was concerned. and while we each have to take a certain amount of responsibility for making a baby, i think there must be a reason for this to happen now and a reason for us to be together. and i'm happy about that. happy doesn't even really describe it. i'm ecstatic, i'm thrilled, i'm just in awe of the entire thing. and he seems to be happy about it too. which is a good thing, because we sure can't change it now.

so i have been reading all these baby books. i bought the "what to expect", which left me pretty freaking confused on a lot of things. and then i bought the "mayo clinic guide", which cleared up a lot of the confusion. did you know that fish was bad for you right now? and can i tell you that ever since i have read that sentence, i have never been hungrier for fish in my entire life. doesn't that just suck. and soda. i want nothing but soda. but i'm making do, i'm eating my 12 ounces of seafood per week and drinking water and milk and sugar free kool-aid instead. but come 26 aug or whenever the day after happens to be, i am going to gorge myself on grilled shrimp and scallops and salmon and guzzle soda.

anyway, the second book, the mayo clinic book, has these adorable little pictures in it of what it looks like at week 5 (my week) and week six and week seven... i've never had more respect for the human body after reading these books and looking at these images. it is nothing short of a miracle that all this works the way that it does. now, i do have a hard time keeping that in mind as i swallow my vitamins with the stool softener (as if i've ever had trouble in that department!) and drink enough milk to choke a horse. but it's just amazing. and i feel pretty good, pretty lucky, even though at the moment i'm physically feeling a little ucky.

so i'm going to drag myself out of bed this evening and go do a little christmas shopping. i don't have a lot of money (which seems to be going around this year) and i'm trying to convince the bee that i don't want him to get me anything because i'm not getting anything for him. i don't think he's listening to me. but in the next year, we're going to have plenty of opportunities to buy things that we're going to need. we might as well hang on to the money now.

anyway. i haven't puked in a few hours and my bathroom trips are getting to be fewer and further between. i'm going to bundle up, face the cold and the jerk-offs at the mall and pick up a few small things that i know i need to get. wish me luck.

don't flick the service workers.

more snow. eww. the thing about snow, living up here, is that people just freak out. seriously. i don't mind driving in snow - light snow, heavy snow, whatever - but i like to do it when there aren't too many other jackasses on the road. and living in what is referred to as a "metro" area, i am perpetually surrounded by jackasses. so my drive to work, generally clocked at about 16-20 minutes, becomes an american gladiator-style caged rumble match that lasts at least half an hour. and we don't have nearly the snow they're getting back home. we have like an inch on the ground - and seriously, you'd think it was an all-out freaking blizzard. people are so strange.

so i have this pen. it's a regular ballpoint pen, with the button you push on the end to make the pen part come out. except this pen, you push the ballpoint thing and the thing comes out and then goes right back in. it's not a trick pen, although i'm finding it about as frustrating. what's really funny about this pen that will not stay up or out is that it's a cialis pen that i swiped from the doctor's office. so maybe it is a trick pen. hahaha...

last night the bee and i had to make a trip to tar-jay. i ♥ tar-jay. generally i go in there for one thing, like soap or something, and come out with 200$ in absolute crap that i don't really need. (the same goes for waldoworld, but i don't talk about that because just talking about waldoworld makes my blood pressure sky rocket.) but anyway, we went to tar-jay because i need a bra to sleep in. (do you guys know how much my boobs hurt? i mean, hurt. we're not talking like pms-"oh, i'm sore" type pain, we are talking "omfg, it hurts to lie down, it hurts in the shower, it just plain freaking hurts.")

anyway. so the bee and i are in the intimate apparel section of the store, and he's snickering because he's in the bra section and there is this rack of maternity and nursing bras. and those are the most comfortable looking things i have ever seen in my life. no joke here, they look soft and warm and comfy. they're not much on the attractive side, mind you, but in this kind of pain, i don't really care. but i couldn't' bring myself to purchase off that rack - instead i bought some sort of sports bra, some boob-crushing thing. and then, i forgot them in the car last night. so i'm just as sore as ever. but i'm thinking i'm going to go back today and exchange it for the really comfy looking one and just not think about the rack from which i'm buying it.

and smells. let's discuss smells, shall we? i've always had what i consider an overdeveloped sense of smell; ask nigel. i can smell her farts before she lets them. but last night, our indian (dot indian) neighbors were cooking. and then smell was just permeating our apartment so bad with the scent of curry, i couldn't take it. it was making me vomit. i have a poor relationship with indian food and the scent of curry anyway, but this was absolutely repulsive. we had to leave for a little while (hence the trip to tar-jay) to escape it. and all the while, the bee's like, 'it's not that bad, i don't know what you're taking about, i don't smell anything.' thankfully it was gone this morning when i got up; i don't think i could have handled much more. and its not like i can go over there and knock on their door to tell them their food is making me yak. :(

oh! and dreams. let me tell you about some of the bizarre dreams i've been having. i dreamt that my brother and i were in new york, eating at a quizno's. and no matter how many times i tried to tell the guy behind the counter that i wanted a salad, he kept insisting i wanted a cheeseburger. (it was almost reminiscent of the billy goat cafe - "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!") so because he wasn't listening to me, i was growing increasingly frustrated and took it out on him by flicking him in the forehead with my index finger. it was a nice, solid thump. but he was so distressed that he called out his manager, who apparently in the state of new york has the same power as a judge and jury, and i was sentenced to time in jail for flicking the service worker. how fucking weird is that?

i'm at work. it's incredibly slow and i like it that way. i'm going to go get some ice. (out of the machine, not off the parking lot.) i'm off in a few hours, which is not good, because the bee and i are headed to chariton to have a sit down with his parentals. his mom still hasn't called him back since she blew up at him the other day. pretty good parenting skills, eh? yeah, i'm definitely impressed.

okay. i'm out.

screw the gap, i'm shopping at tent and awning

it is painfully slow today at work. which is good, because all i've accomplished is eating.

eating, eating, eating... food, food, food... eating, eating, eating... food, food, food...

i'm going to weigh 4,700 pounds soon. and then i won't have to worry about ugly maternity clothes because the only things that will fit will be tents and tarps.

we're pg, baby

well, all parties have been notified and now that it's out in the open, i can discuss it here. which is good, because i'm going freaking crazy not talking about it.

i'm pg, folks. yup, the bee and i are having a baby.

isn't that crazy? isn't that just far out? me, can you believe it? i can hardly believe it.

i've got to say, i cried when i found out. in fact i cried for the next 48 hours. i just didn't know what to think and i didn't really know what to do. i have to admit that my tears weren't exactly tears of joy. i cried because i didn't feel ready for this - there are so many things that i want to do and see and accomplish. and then i cried because i felt guilty for being that selfish. plus, it kept going through my mind that the situation was all wrong. i mean, look at the bee and i: we can't seem to keep it together for more than a week at a time - it's hardly a stable environment for us, let alone a baby. things never seemed to be any more uncertain than they did earlier this weekend and then to top it off, this. i was, and still am, scared out of my mind. there are so many things that seem less than ideal.

and yet at the same time, i know things are going to be okay. i don't know if the bee and i will make it but i don't doubt our ability to parent, be it together or apart. i've seen him with children - he adores them. he's going to be wonderful. and i've always said i don't want kids but i guess now it's okay to admit that it's easier to say you don't want something rather than pine over something you can't have. don't get me wrong, i want this to work. i've wanted us to work since before this came about. but for the sake of whatever this is, whomever this is, we need to figure out how to make it work. that's only fair.

i've told my family. i was apprehensive to tell my mom, i have to admit, after the discussion we had about the bee and i this last weekend. but she was great, she was so excited and supportive. and so was my grandma and my aunt and my brothers and my dad - it was amazing. it was incredible. i couldn't hold it in, even though i was still feeling unsure and apprehensive, i had to let them know. the reason i had to wait to talk about it is because the bee had to tell his mom. we were going to make the trip down this weekend and tell them in person, but it was eating him up so he called her and told her this evening. and then she hung up on him. i feel bad for him; i know that's not the response he was looking for. he's feeling better that she knows but he's upset about her reaction. but i think she'll come around. it's not like she has a lot of choice.

so i have a due date: 25 aug 08. and i have a obgyn and a first appointment scheduled for the middle of january. i went to the doctor yesterday morning and got the official pg diagnosis. and then i got the bag of vitamins. no more flinstones vitamins for me - nope. now i have prenatal vitamins. big, huge, awful tasting prenatal vitamins. woohoo.

and so that's that. now i have to eat breakfast and i have to pee all the time and my boobs hurt. and this is only week four. i bought the book, the "what to expect" book and i'm really looking forward to month three: flatulence, indigestion, heartburn, morning sickness, weight gain - it's gonna be awesome. but it is all a good thing, right?

right.

i've got a secret.

and for the moment, i'm not telling. but i think all parties involved should be notified by the end of the evening, so i should be able to share soon.

which is great, because i need to get this out and process it.

you're killing me, bee. you're killing me...

i don't want to wear bacon to work.

monday i had this cut on the side of my thumb. it wasn't bleeding or anything but it was really sore. i wanted to put some neosporin on it (because neosporin heals everything, just ask nigel) and a band-aid on top to keep it from getting all ooky under my mittens. but the only band-aids we have in this house look like bacon and eggs. no, seriously, look:

b&e band aids. and i'm not talking a dane cook-type b&e, where you have to wear your second favorite shirt. nope, actual b&e, which is quite yummy indeed. but i just didn't think that bacon or eggs was appropriate to wear to work. so i suffered all day long, band aid-less and bacon-less. and i'll have you know, my thumb still hurts.

and now i'm hungry for bacon and eggs.

so my momma had her surgery yesterday. it went surprisingly well - even though she was pretty well doped up (gotta love pain meds) she seemed to be doing really well. the incision on her neck is wicked - kinda looks like something frankenstein's bride might sport on halloween. roberto was a little freaked out by it, but i tend to think that wounds are cool. and so are scars. if she doesn't want to tell people it's from surgery, she can make up some crazy outlandish story like that she was abducted by a machete-wielding maniac and forced to do something freaking crazy, like root for the ou sooners or something equally disgusting and wild. and people be will all, 'yeah, whatever' and she can be all, 'yeah, shut the fuck up, i've got a scar bitches, so suck it.'

i mean, that's what i'd do. :)

so i've got something i'm just dying to discuss but i can't do it just yet. i have to make sure that all concerned parties are notified before i go blabbing. which sucks ass because it's sort of my secret and i ought to be able to talk about it if i like. but no-o-o-o. the bee's all up in arms because certain people have not been informed and i need to keep my mouth shut until all the shit is cleaned from the blades of the proverbial fan.

fine. but just know that an announcement is coming. stay tuned, dear readers. it's about to get much, much more interesting around here.

and that being said, i think i'm going to go lie down. i'm kind of tired.

i'm low on gas and you need a jacket.

love, superjanel

don't say anything at all.

it's thursday. it's going to snow and i'm feeling a little melancholy. once again, i'm feeling a little out of control in my life - a spiral that takes me up and down and back again, with no real meaning to much of anything. meh isn't really word and technically, it's not even a feeling, but it's the best way to describe my attitude lately. what's wrong with me? things have been, for the most part, just swell. but i can't shake this ... whatever it is, going on in my head.


ugh.

yeah, well, i can't think of anything else to say. or at least anything nice or good.

i'm going to go to bed.

sunday ramblings

the christmas party for job#2 was cancelled last night because of the weather. which is funny, because by the time the christmas party should have started, the weather was just peachy and the roads were dandy. i think the open bar gods were frowning upon me, for some reason, i'm not really sure what that might be but apparently i was not meant to have free drinks last night.

boo.

so i ended up in chariton last night, since the party was a bust and i was bored as shit. i went out with nigel and snackmaster bob and it was a good time. i haven't been out forever and to tell you the truth, i wasn't 100 percent into it, i'm not sure why. i can tell you that i'm happy to be away from the drama and crap and bullshit that makes for small town living - it's just constant badmouthing and shit stirring and i listen to it now, having been away for over a month, and it amazes me that i cared at all. blah, blah, blah... i don't really care who's sleeping with whom and who's cheating on whom and and and... it's a bunch of crap and i'm better off not being involved. small town drama is contagious and toxic.

so i stayed with the bee at his parents house last night, sleeping on the living room floor, which does wonders for my neck. yes, this is me being facetious. because my neck hurts like ass today. although, it could have been the headbanging at the bar, because let's face it, i have incredible headbanging hair - always have. :) anyway, i was up at 0530 this morning because the bee and the manly group of animal shooters that are staying at his parents house were awake and leaving at that ungodly hour. sleeping on the living room floor, i was sort of in the way and i probably would have fallen back asleep if it weren't for the fourteen people tramping back and forth over me, stepping on my feet and hair, watching espn news at a volume that only compares to a rock concert and discussing their barbaric strategy for maiming and killing animals. so i left for home and went back to bed. i didn't wake up until nearly 1400 this afternoon.

have i mentioned how much i love sleeping in? granted, that's a little excessive, but it felt good. and it's not like i really had much to do today. i've cleaned house (that takes half an hour, tops) and done laundry. AND i made banana bread and ziti - it's been a productive day. woohoo!

tomorrow is back to work, back to normal. it's a new month with new goals. i'm not sure what to expect for this month as far as volume of calls and leads, so i'm not making any changes to my monthly goals. i can't get anyone at work to give me any sort of historic data on december sales and there is no historic data on call volume, we're creating that as we go along. did i tell you that the new girl at work just left for lunch one day last week and never came back? that made me laugh. but i could feel that she wasn't going to last long. and in the meantime, our original group of three just gets cattier and more cynical about ever finding anyone to fill the open desk.

oh! speaking of shit: the bird poop on the skylight is gone. it got cleared off in the rain yesterday afternoon. :D

i'm out.

the bee to a tee

i say fuck that ice.

now the bird shit on the skylight is frozen. that is too awesome for words. it's gonna be april before this shit thaws.

hahaha... no pun intended. :D

so i'm supposed to be at work right now. but mother nature is preventing that from happening. it's icing like a motherfucker at the moment. and i'm not talking chocolate frosting. i'm talking like giant balls of ice falling from the sky and freezing shit to the ground. it's practically hailing, it's so bad. and once again, i attempted to make it to work. and this time the car even started. but it took 45 minutes just to get into the car and another half-hour before i could scrape off the windshield enough so i could see. and then i made it to the interstate, watched the state dick in front of me slide into the ditch and promptly turned my rig around.

i'm rick james, bitch. fuck that ice. but what a waste of good hair.

so i'm home. again. and i'm bored as hell. again. what to do with my day?