13 December 2007

we're pg, baby

well, all parties have been notified and now that it's out in the open, i can discuss it here. which is good, because i'm going freaking crazy not talking about it.

i'm pg, folks. yup, the bee and i are having a baby.

isn't that crazy? isn't that just far out? me, can you believe it? i can hardly believe it.

i've got to say, i cried when i found out. in fact i cried for the next 48 hours. i just didn't know what to think and i didn't really know what to do. i have to admit that my tears weren't exactly tears of joy. i cried because i didn't feel ready for this - there are so many things that i want to do and see and accomplish. and then i cried because i felt guilty for being that selfish. plus, it kept going through my mind that the situation was all wrong. i mean, look at the bee and i: we can't seem to keep it together for more than a week at a time - it's hardly a stable environment for us, let alone a baby. things never seemed to be any more uncertain than they did earlier this weekend and then to top it off, this. i was, and still am, scared out of my mind. there are so many things that seem less than ideal.

and yet at the same time, i know things are going to be okay. i don't know if the bee and i will make it but i don't doubt our ability to parent, be it together or apart. i've seen him with children - he adores them. he's going to be wonderful. and i've always said i don't want kids but i guess now it's okay to admit that it's easier to say you don't want something rather than pine over something you can't have. don't get me wrong, i want this to work. i've wanted us to work since before this came about. but for the sake of whatever this is, whomever this is, we need to figure out how to make it work. that's only fair.

i've told my family. i was apprehensive to tell my mom, i have to admit, after the discussion we had about the bee and i this last weekend. but she was great, she was so excited and supportive. and so was my grandma and my aunt and my brothers and my dad - it was amazing. it was incredible. i couldn't hold it in, even though i was still feeling unsure and apprehensive, i had to let them know. the reason i had to wait to talk about it is because the bee had to tell his mom. we were going to make the trip down this weekend and tell them in person, but it was eating him up so he called her and told her this evening. and then she hung up on him. i feel bad for him; i know that's not the response he was looking for. he's feeling better that she knows but he's upset about her reaction. but i think she'll come around. it's not like she has a lot of choice.

so i have a due date: 25 aug 08. and i have a obgyn and a first appointment scheduled for the middle of january. i went to the doctor yesterday morning and got the official pg diagnosis. and then i got the bag of vitamins. no more flinstones vitamins for me - nope. now i have prenatal vitamins. big, huge, awful tasting prenatal vitamins. woohoo.

and so that's that. now i have to eat breakfast and i have to pee all the time and my boobs hurt. and this is only week four. i bought the book, the "what to expect" book and i'm really looking forward to month three: flatulence, indigestion, heartburn, morning sickness, weight gain - it's gonna be awesome. but it is all a good thing, right?


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