25 July 2006
i want to roundhouse kick you in the vagina
i'm not even 24 hours into this junket, and already, what a fucking trip. trip doesn't even begin to describe. i feel as though i'm on massive drugs. massive. this is just surreal. add to this the fact that i have oompa loompa orange appendages and it's just unfuckingbelievable. first off, i so overslept this morning, by like, two hours. that just threw my whole day into a whirl. i didn't even have time to wash my hair and that bothers me to a degree i can't even begin to describe. however, i am awake enough to notice that my hands and feet are an inhumane shade of orange, not even found on the html color chart. it's fabulous, because fabulous is the word of the week. it's the middle of the week, and technically, too late for a word of the week, but i'm making a special exception this time around, becuase i think i've heard it about 47 bajillion times already today. fabulous. use it three times and it's yours.
so, i'm here to make a life changing decision. when does one decide to salvage a potentially miserable relationship? when's the breaking point? i'm not sure. he can be a (ha) fabulous person, we have incredible moments. the problem lies in the fact that they come once about every seven months for four minutes. i don't know if i can live, waiting for these little moments. becuase the rest of the time, and i'm being completely honest here, mom, i'm walking around on eggshells. i'm a fuckup, and you'd think by now, he'd know that. i'm not going to change my habits, just like he isn't going to change his. we're the same people were were six years ago, and we're having the same arguments. the only thing now is that they're lasting longer and getting more expensive. and i don't have the patience or tenacity to sit down with him and work through them. frankly (my dear), most days, i don't have the patience or tenacity for us, and that makes me sad. we used to be good. now, we're just two people, living separately in the same house. it would probably be good for me to be alone for awhile, a long while, but i'm not capable of that. i'm a serial monogamist. one relationship to the next. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i just need to stop getting married if that's what i want.
so here i am in the amazing state of hawaii. i adore this rock more than i adore most people. the different thing about this trip (and oh, what a trip), is that there is a small hurricane blowing this direction. his name is daniel, and on the radar, he's kind of cute. but he's still a hurricane, and i don't find that sort of thing attractive in real life. radar is one thing. real life is another. blecch.