27 July 2006

fabulous! how educational!

this has been one of the most educational trips i've ever taken. not for the historical value or even the hawaiian cultural value, but for the gay value. i feel so overly educated in gay that i could just vomit. no, really, it hasn't been that bad, and i've laughed through most of it, but it's constant nonstop picking. pick. pick. pick. just give me some fucking sun and quiet. i've avoided two side trips with the girls just to avoid the drama and the snideness. it does get old. i hate it when other people are right, but misty, you were right. what, oh what, can day three bring?

tourists amaze me. i'm no local, don't get me wrong, but tourists are a kick, man. some of the locals are also hilarious in that same, i-can't-believe-you'd-leave-the-house-wearing-that sort of way. but the thing i love about this place is that anything goes. unless you're at sarento's, and then it doesn't go far, but most everywhere else, anything goes and that's incredible. if i want to wear pink and green and red everyday for the rest of my life, no one here would say a word. (just an example, not going to happen.) and that's awesome.

the thing that upsets me about being here, and it truly does make my heart break, is that this is the place where i fell in love with eddy. and i can't say that i love him anymore. being here is just full of memories, things i want to talk about and share but that aren't relevant to the way i feel about us. does that make sense? i miss the way we used to be, but i'm not willing to live the way we live. he doesn't know me anymore, he doesn't try to understand me. and i don't know where the eddy i used to love went. becuase he's not around anymore. i've worked over 120 hours in the last two weeks. most of it is to avoid being home and feeling so fucking guilty at having to act the way i think i should be acting. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. i don't want to do this anymore. eddy, i love you, but i'm not in love with you. i'm sorry i'm not the person you think i should be or the person you want me to be. i can't change who i am and you shouldn't want me to. we're not being fair to either of us and i don't want to pretend anymore. game off. i want out.

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