#6, #7 and i swear my dog gained ten pounds

ahhh, home sweet home. the trip back wasn't bad, considering two flights and two mechanicals. there's something to be said for consistency, unfortunately it's just not of the right variety. so i'm home, and my poor, poor uugof is still not driveable. i'm confined to my house until at least tomorrow morning and even though i don't really want to go anywhere, it bothers me that i don't even have the option if i so desired. *sigh*

the dog grew exponentially in my absence. he's almost like an entirely different puppy. and eddy was not joking about the hole in the carpet, that's going to be an interesting problem to resolve. it's not just like you can cover it up or patch it, i think we're in for all new carpet and that's really exciting. i swear to god hercules gained ten pounds and seven inches since i left - he's ginormous. and he's terrorizing the kitty, but the neat-o part of this is that kitty is now fighting back... oh, the entertainment. if i ever had children and let them entertain me in this fashion, people would call human services. that's why i don't have children. i have pets. :D

so, i've never been one for an even number - i prefer odd numbers everywhere in life: asparagus spears, scoops of ice cream, ice cubes - and tattoos are no different. and i just got number five, and it's beautiful. i adore it. the guy that did it, craig helmich at maui tattoo co., was a rockstar - absolutely fabulous. i just hope he got his plumbing problem taken care of, that was a time consuming story. however, i've fallen in love with number six, which means i have to have a number seven. and i've got this shit all figured out. number six is a large, tribal design to be placed at the base of my spine just below number five. and number seven will be a small, ghanian fern leaf to be placed at the base of my neck. then, and only then, i think i may be satisfied. but i could also be happy with one on my big toe and one on the top of my foot. so i guess that's eight and nine, eh? hell. i'm currently out of designs. but that works, becuase i'm also currently out of money and this is not a cheap hobby.

but beyond all that, i have learned something this weekend. i am much, much more intuitive than i give myself credit for. some things, feelings, i tend to overlook, pass off as indigestion or gastrointestinal problems. but i knew - i knew in my gut - something wasn't right with that whole thing. things just weren't adding up and it sounded too far-fetched. and i was fucking right. fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice - i won't give you won't get the opportunity. i love this person to death, and i've been good to him. i've defended him time and time again and i adore his friendship but i won't be lied to and i hope he knows that now. as a friend, as a human being, i deserve better than that. now, having said this, i'm not going to run out and reveal secrets. we all have our reasons, some are better than others, but if i look deep enough i can understand why. i've been there and it's a horrible place to be. fuck, i was there just four hours ago. i just like to solve my issues with tears and a good nap, followed up by a healthy dose of prozac. but let this serve as warning, this will be the last time i will be treated this way.

so as long as we're on topics that are moderately depressing and that we're not truly identifying, today is my seven year anniversary of d-day. well, it's more like m-day, and then a few months later it was d-day. seven years. that's unfuckingbelieveable. i really have to think, i really have to try to remember the events leading up to that day because i've tried really hard to block the whole thing out. (apparently, i've done a good job. if it weren't for the occasional photo, i don't think i'd remember too much.) but what a long journey it's been since then. and how strange. i certainly didn't see myself here as all that was happening, but i guess that's sort of the point. one never knows where his path will lead. only recently, like within the past few months, have we been able to speak, and when we do it's very strange. it's like neither of us know how to acknowledge that bizaare series of events so we don't really talk about it but we don't really have anything else to talk about so we talk about nothing and then we don't talk at all. it's sad to think that two people who at one time cared so much have so little to say - that there's nothing relevant anymore, but i guess that's why we're no longer together.

you can come to me

i'm done. no more reaching out to insensitive people who think they know everything. you want to know how i am? come and fucking ask. i'm tired of being the dogooder, the apologizer, the one that makes things work. i want to break things and watch you fix them. it'd be nice to see that someone - not me - cares enough to make amends.

do YOU know what you're doing for the holidays?

hey lady, it's not even august. fuck no, i don't know what i'm doing for christmas. what a weird-ass question.

five down! yeehaw!

i've never had such a painful tattoo experience. this hurt. but oh so worth it, especially since i've got number six all planned out. check this shit out:

i adore this tattoo! this is so me! it's a west african symbol of life transformation. the dude that did it was cool, although i think he was more absorbed in his plumbing problems than my major life changes. ahh well. not everyone is good at evaluating the sensitivity of others. dad went with me, that was funny. he wants tattoos so bad, but he's got a small fear of needles and blood, so i was supposed to show him how painless the entire experience was. however, this was the only time i've ever gotten even a little sick while getting a tattoo, and i nearly passed out. i didn't realize how little skin there is on your spine. this sucker was painful but very, very worth it. go me!

it's new tattoo day!

so the entourage is boarding up and leaving town this afternoon, providing flights don't fill up and all goes as planned. that leaves little ol' me with about 48 hours to fill. much of that will be parental unit time, as i've been avoiding them substantially, not purposely, but, well, okay, somewhat purposely, and the rest will be spent lying on the beach and getting a new tattoo. but perhaps i've spoken too soon. it seems a flight has cancelled and now things are getting interesting. to be continued...

fabulous! how educational!

this has been one of the most educational trips i've ever taken. not for the historical value or even the hawaiian cultural value, but for the gay value. i feel so overly educated in gay that i could just vomit. no, really, it hasn't been that bad, and i've laughed through most of it, but it's constant nonstop picking. pick. pick. pick. just give me some fucking sun and quiet. i've avoided two side trips with the girls just to avoid the drama and the snideness. it does get old. i hate it when other people are right, but misty, you were right. what, oh what, can day three bring?

tourists amaze me. i'm no local, don't get me wrong, but tourists are a kick, man. some of the locals are also hilarious in that same, i-can't-believe-you'd-leave-the-house-wearing-that sort of way. but the thing i love about this place is that anything goes. unless you're at sarento's, and then it doesn't go far, but most everywhere else, anything goes and that's incredible. if i want to wear pink and green and red everyday for the rest of my life, no one here would say a word. (just an example, not going to happen.) and that's awesome.

the thing that upsets me about being here, and it truly does make my heart break, is that this is the place where i fell in love with eddy. and i can't say that i love him anymore. being here is just full of memories, things i want to talk about and share but that aren't relevant to the way i feel about us. does that make sense? i miss the way we used to be, but i'm not willing to live the way we live. he doesn't know me anymore, he doesn't try to understand me. and i don't know where the eddy i used to love went. becuase he's not around anymore. i've worked over 120 hours in the last two weeks. most of it is to avoid being home and feeling so fucking guilty at having to act the way i think i should be acting. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. i don't want to do this anymore. eddy, i love you, but i'm not in love with you. i'm sorry i'm not the person you think i should be or the person you want me to be. i can't change who i am and you shouldn't want me to. we're not being fair to either of us and i don't want to pretend anymore. game off. i want out.

call me

one of my favorite thing about being here is the time difference. all the people i'm trying to avoid are already 5 hours into their day by the time i wake up, which gives me 5 less hours to try and avoid them. but when it comes to people i want to talk to, the time difference fucking sucks. i'm asking alot for someone to stay up five extra hours just to talk to me, 'specially on a tuesday night. i wonder what today holds. what a fascinating trip.

so i think uugof is fixed. i think they just went ahead and fixed him. i don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. since i'm not there to figure it out and eddy alreday hates me for being gone. he's having a bad week and i chose not to be there, so while i'm already a shitty spouse, this makes me especially shitty. i do feel bad about the dog.

i want to go to canada so i can say aboot instead of about. just for a little while. not permanently. just for a few days. otherwise it sounds dumb.

so last night we had dinner at the outback. and i called jorge, and yes it was 200 in the morning, but he answered. and he laughed because we're in hawaii and we're eating at the outback. how fucking original. hehehehehe....

my entourage is thinking perhaps they want to make the drive to hana today. this could be interesting. as long as i don't have to drive. i ended up rubbing on a white mercedes with my rented red escape yesterday. that was a joy. i've take a sabbatical from driving from now on. thank god.

i want to roundhouse kick you in the vagina

i'm not even 24 hours into this junket, and already, what a fucking trip. trip doesn't even begin to describe. i feel as though i'm on massive drugs. massive. this is just surreal. add to this the fact that i have oompa loompa orange appendages and it's just unfuckingbelievable. first off, i so overslept this morning, by like, two hours. that just threw my whole day into a whirl. i didn't even have time to wash my hair and that bothers me to a degree i can't even begin to describe. however, i am awake enough to notice that my hands and feet are an inhumane shade of orange, not even found on the html color chart. it's fabulous, because fabulous is the word of the week. it's the middle of the week, and technically, too late for a word of the week, but i'm making a special exception this time around, becuase i think i've heard it about 47 bajillion times already today. fabulous. use it three times and it's yours.

so, i'm here to make a life changing decision. when does one decide to salvage a potentially miserable relationship? when's the breaking point? i'm not sure. he can be a (ha) fabulous person, we have incredible moments. the problem lies in the fact that they come once about every seven months for four minutes. i don't know if i can live, waiting for these little moments. becuase the rest of the time, and i'm being completely honest here, mom, i'm walking around on eggshells. i'm a fuckup, and you'd think by now, he'd know that. i'm not going to change my habits, just like he isn't going to change his. we're the same people were were six years ago, and we're having the same arguments. the only thing now is that they're lasting longer and getting more expensive. and i don't have the patience or tenacity to sit down with him and work through them. frankly (my dear), most days, i don't have the patience or tenacity for us, and that makes me sad. we used to be good. now, we're just two people, living separately in the same house. it would probably be good for me to be alone for awhile, a long while, but i'm not capable of that. i'm a serial monogamist. one relationship to the next. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. i just need to stop getting married if that's what i want.

so here i am in the amazing state of hawaii. i adore this rock more than i adore most people. the different thing about this trip (and oh, what a trip), is that there is a small hurricane blowing this direction. his name is daniel, and on the radar, he's kind of cute. but he's still a hurricane, and i don't find that sort of thing attractive in real life. radar is one thing. real life is another. blecch.

don't smoke crack

i wrecked my car last night. this is a secret, but i was texting with one hand, driving with the other hand and sort of watching the road. out of the corner of my eye, i watched this little red car - that was driving a pathetic seven miles an hour - weave in and out of the right lane. so i went to go around him and pass him in the left lane. he came with me and i ended up junking out uugoff on the median at the intersection of fleur and wakonda. it was neat fun. two rims, two tires, two axles, a front bumper, a door, blah, blah, blah - it's great. it's spectacular. it's fanfreakingtastic. my poor uugoff. his front bumper is just sort of hanging there, in a sad little frown. he's fucked. so i called brent to come get me. it was an entertaining drive home, especially the part where he ran over the antelope-size deer in the highway and dragged it underneath his car for the better part of 150 feet. he screams like a girl. we spread deer guts all over marion county, it was great. his car smelled like ass. so we went through the car wash, like, 5 times. and then we discovered that the source of the smell was antelope pancreas stuffed in the undercarriage of the car, which the car washes missed. so we used the hose in my driveway to get it out. so i have rotting deer flesh in my driveway. it's great. it's splendid. the entire evening was a trip. the thing that cracks me up about the whole night is his insane need to document everything. i have a bad feeling that me and my wrecked car will someday end up on myspace or youtube for all the world to see. :(

i'm getting another tattoo next week. i'm going to hawaii next week, did you know? hehehehehe......

not the baldwins!

is canada behind this alleged accident involving the famed baldwin brother? if you remember right, this is how the war started in the south park movie, an injury to the beloved baldwins. watch out canada. first afghanistan, then iraq, now you. that's what you get for saying aboot. :D

i want to be a lolla gurl

i need saturday, august 5, off. i need to go lollapalooza. i don't care if i go by myself. gnarls barkley and kanye west. i want to go!

i pity the fool

i am a train wreck. if you encounter me, stay away. i pity the fool that gets in my path. i will roundhouse kick you in the vagina.

*****

if i had a real roc friend and not just a fake roc friend, i'd be on my way to dfw right now for two days of bringe drinking, sun absorbing, martini glass breaking fun. but no. my roc friend fucking sucks and i'm over her and done with her and we are no more. how fucking rude is that? she needs time? she wants special time with her captain? you know what i fucking need? i'd tell you, but you obviously don't give a shit. so you, susan, can stick your selfish little self-absorbed email right up your whore ass because i'm done with you. no more. cut off. no more landshark for you, bitch. you'll be sorry. (unless you'd like to make it up to me by inviting me up for a binge drinking weekend out on the boat and then we can talk about my forgiving you. no guarantees.)

*****

so how do i keep finding myself in these situations? where do they come from? i'll be as vague as possible, becuase i know what i'm talking about and the fact that you don't doesn't really bother me that much. does my forehead say, tell me all your shit? is there something really therapuetic looking about me? i don't think so, but i keep finding all this weird shit dumped on me. why do i care, is my first thought, but i adore this coworker, and would like to be of assistance (imagine cajun man saying that, that's how i like to say it these days "ahh-sis-stahnce"). i don't know what to tell her. people have interesting problems but when i get involved i tend to get too involved and then take them to heart. i don't need any more problems, i seem to create enough on my own.

*****

i'm in the final countdown (duh-nuh-nuh-nuhhhh) as far as ogg is concerned. i need to find a cute pair of sandals and get a pedicure and a fake tan. i'm pretty clear and i have a rainbow colored bruise on my shin. it's pretty. pretty fucking ugly. :D

good morning, vietnam

i spent the majority of last night trying to teach my puppy to bark on command. i think he's trained me instead. little bastard. we had company last night, arriving in the wee hours of dawn, and we thought it best to keep the pup cooped up in the bedroom. that was neat fun. i love being up to watch the sunrise. but our drunk houseguest couldn't figure out which of our two doors was open so a barrage of phone calls at 500 had the house up in arms, so there was no sleep to be had. no sleep 'til brooklyn. so here it is, 630, and i'm bright eyed and bushy tailed and oh-so-excited to go to work. yeehaw.

nine more straight days of work and then i get a day off. then i get six days off. then i get six days off in hawaii. then i get six days off in hawaii to lay on the beach. i think you can see where this is going.

i may go on a shoplifting spree

items under 25$ are okay to steal from your local wal-mart. those in favor of the famed five-finger discount no longer have to live in fear of the local 5-0. wal-mart's new policy is to let petty thefts - those with values under 25$ - fade away. unless, of course, you tend to make a habit (say, daily?) of petty thefts from your local wal-mart. that may gather some attention. it's an interesting change in policy. it must be nice - 25$ here, 25$ there, after all, it's just money. bfd.

however, if you are a sticky-fingered wal-mart bandit, the best way to avoid the entire "is it worth more than 25$" debacle is just to not get caught. :D

i need something sharp

life as i know it is over. i'm going to go kill myself now. there's no reason for living. rivers, you're a traitor.

to whom it may concern

i am writing this post to inform you of my intent to resign from my position as assistant finance and insurance manager/phone answerer/message taker/payment receiver/complaint resolution specialist/office busy body at my secondary place of employment. following, please find my reasoning behind my resignation.

1. family. it's impossible to work with family. its safer just not to play that game. too much information, too much time together, an unhappy family makes.
2. too many chiefs, not enough indians. lots of decision makers, not so many decisions. it gets old.
3. i can't stand doing nothing. being there and doing nothing gives me a headache. every time i leave there after a long day of ineffectiveness, i have to take a migraine pill and cry myself to sleep, my fucking head hurts so bad. is it the glare from the windows? the melancholy mood of the business? take your pick.
4. i'm not interested in having multiple jobs anymore. i can barely handle the one i have some days. i'm not able to juggle two jobs when one is taking up 50+ hours a week. i'm not wired that way. sorry to disappoint.
5. i've never been properly trained and i'm not comfortable with the work in some situations.

and for these reasons, please accept my resignation - my second resignation. i've already quit this job once. please let me go.

*****

oh, this was nice. i thought this was really neat... "gotta pass on your next maui adventure... picking up lots of hours... as far as next week in dallas, i really don't have much free time. only there two nights and i have plans for dinner with my captain, which were made a long time ago... and one of my coworkers is gonna be there for core , who was my coworker at comair... would love to see you, but don't know if it's worth it for a short trip..."

i was just un-invited from my own fucking vacation. whore.

i'll give you twin features

i painted my fingernails at work today. it was a slow, slow day. i hate fingernail polish but if i didn't do something i would have passed out from tiredness at the baggage claim desk and i don't think that looks very good. speaking of work, it was grand fucktard central with all the special olympics folks heading out. that was fun. i've never seen so many matching tshirts and gold medals. does everyone get a gold medal? i understand that they're special, hence, special olympics, but aren't these games somewhat competitive? what's the freaking point if we're all winners?

***

this week's word is himbo. it's the male version of a bimbo. currently, i don't think i know any himbos, but when i meet one, i will be sure to enlighten him with this literary crowd pleaser. it's a great word, i'm just sad i haven't been able to utilize it thus far.

***

i met pissface's bf. he's not what i expected, and perhaps he was being shy, but still, the difference between perception and reality was somewhat shocking. very nice person, don't get me wrong, but i feel i could easily offend him just by being me. (somedays i enjoy offending others for no other good reason than i can, but i don't want to intentionally offend this person. yet...) i hope this isn't the case, this 36-hour trip could be painful. that's not the length of my stay, but pissface's. i'm all for going just because i can, but that's not a very long stay. i better get to snorkel goddamn it. and i better get a mai tai. oh, fine, let's be honest, if sue's going, we'd better have a designated driver. we're going to have a lot of mai tais. :D

confessions

i need to confess. last night, i committed a serious sin. i was home alone, and i couldn't help myself. i watched a lindsey lohan movie. and i found myself enjoying it. i feel so dirty, i'm weeping on the inside. beesheee. :(

i don't think i can bite my dog

puppy will not stop biting my armpit. i don't know what it is about my armpit. it actually kind of hurts, even for a little fluffball with teeny-weeny teeth. i'm not sure of how to break him of this gnawing habit. so far, i blow in his face when he begins to nibble, which he doesn't enjoy, but doesn't seem to stop him from going back for seconds or thirds or more. my friend tammi has dogs, she has large dogs - chow chows and st. bernards. her theory is that she has to show them who the dominant bitch in the household is, obviously, her. so when they begin to play rough, she bites them until they wimper. i've seen this done and it's freakin' weird. to see a well-dressed dutch woman roll on the floor with a big-ass dog, biting it until it cries is just a strange sight, but she does have well behaved pets. i just don't know if i can bring myself to be the dominant bitch in the house, you'd think that would be apparant, as i am the only bitch in a house full of boys. maybe when he gets bigger, but by then the armpit chewing thing will really hurt. i don't know. tammi has kids now, and i've often wondered if she bites them for misbehaving. teehee.

this month i'm going to dfw to see sue at her gsc class. then at the end of the month, i'm going to try to go see dad. :) and get a tan in the process. :D

this is me, unplugged

i'm suffering from technology overload. i want to unplug everything i own and stop answering the phone. i'm beginning to hate my cell phone and my laptop and my email and my ebay and my myspace. i'm starting to hate it all. i hate being on call, on demand, whenever anyone wants me. there should be a do-not-call-the-janel registry. i'd register for it, but i don't call me very often, so it wouldn't do a lot of good.

the word of the week is fucktard, fucktard.

i went garage saling this morning with my garage sale buddy. i practically stole a laptop out of his hands. i sort of feel bad about it, but not bad enough to offer to sell it to him or anything crazy whack funky like that. you snooze you lose, pedro. we snooped through shit, and i do mean shit, on the south side of the metro. (metro. ha.) it's always interesting to see what people are selling and even more interesting to see what people are buying. people don't generally buy random things, except for us, and they're only random to the extent that they're not specificially for us, per se. but to watch other people pilfer through other people's belongings is fascinating. especially when they don't speak english, because i want to know what they're saying. and because they always want a good deal. a dollar for that brand new in box light fixture? well, you're obviously out of your mind. however, 85 cents is far more reasonable, lady. generally i do not leave garage saling with regrets, but this time i do wish i'd purchased the toilet salt and pepper shakers, if for no other reason than to say that at one time in my life i owned toilet shaped salt and pepper shakers.

the special olympics are in the area. i hear there are retards roaming the airport. and they're not only mildly to serverely retarded, but they're buff and kickass strong. which means they could put someone in a headlock if luggage were to get lost. when this scenario plays out in my mind, they for some reason sound like timmy from south park. and that just cracks me up. but in honor of the special olympics, the word of the week is fucktard. its a nice combination of fuckface and retard. i love it. you do know what the only thing better than winning in the special olympics is, don't you?

not being retarded. fucktard. hehehehehehehe....

i have goals. lots of them.

this is a small list of things i want to do before i perish. this list is not all inclusive. this is just what i can think of at the moment.

• donate a large amount of money to charity. anonymously.
• eat chinese food. in china. and like it.
• learn to hand jive. seriously.
• master walking in crazy high heels for no other reason than i want to.
• be someone's godparent.
• get my masters' degree.
• pay off my student loans. (yeah, that's not happening, but it sounds good.)
• map my family tree. the real one, not the imaginary one.
• drop all the grudges and guilt i carry. it's not healthy and kind of heavy.
• stop drinking soda and start drinking juice. forever.
• become a vegan.
• move to an island. far, far away. (where they don't know what student loans are...)
• learn to differentiate love from security and need from want.

**the list is subject to change and is not comprehensive. but sometimes i think if i don't write these things down they'll never happen.