28 September 2006

and for my last meal, i'd like...

i'm moving out. this is such a process. i hate it. i get to look at all the things we bought together, the things that made us laugh, made us happy. now it's just stuff and someone has to take it. all the pictures have to be boxed up and put away. the flowers, the memories - there's just so much "us" stuff it's awful. i've been with eddy for nearly seven years. and to think this has all come apart in under six months? what happened? sometimes i don't think i know. could it have been fixed? maybe. but we would have to want to fix it and neither of us want to admit that we're the reason it's broken. we're alike in the fact that we're stubborn to a fault - neither of us will admit guilt even when there's something obviously wrong and we're obviously the reason.

you know, last week i broke down. i got scared. i don't know how to be alone, i've never really tried. i've never had to try. i don't know if i'm good at it or bad at it but i've never really had the opportunity so this ought to be interesting. i was beginning to say that i broke down, got scared, and considered trying to make things work. we talked and it was decided that any fix would only be temporary, like using scotch tape to fix a leaking dam. (is this a god dam?) it hurt to hear that verbalized, admitting failure is never easy.

so. here i am in my partially empty house. i just got back from signing the papers that make it belong to someone else. it's not mine anymore. none of this is mine. being here makes me sad, makes me want the things that should have been but never were and will never be. maybe i'll sleep in my new home tonight. it's not as depressing over there.

i certainly don't lack for things to do. i have an entire house to unpack in my new home and i need to figure out what i'm keeping and what i'm selling. i'm going to ebay a lot of my junk away. i don't need so many things and right now i have so much crap i can't have a roommate, she'd get lost in the maze of boxes. i don't really have room for the furniture i am taking - the desk, the table - i don't have a place to put them. i hate moving. have i mentioned that before?

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