20 September 2006

i do not regret the things i have done...

...but those i did not do. and at least i can say that in this relationship, this failed, pathetic relationship, i tried. i tried to fix things, i tried to apologize, i tried to make things better. the path to hell is paved with good intentions, and i have set each and every brick in that path. i'm remorseful beyond belief; i wonder if i haven't made a mistake that i'll ponder for many days. but the feeling is not mutual and i have to lie in this bed that i've made.

i'm feeling ill. no, really, i'm ill. i've got the cold from hell and i wonder if my illness has gone to my brain. i wonder if it's making me long for the old days, when someone cared if i was sick or well, dead or alive. *sigh*

so. for the first time in a long time, almost 9 years (nine times... grace!!!) i'm going to be gracing my childhood residence with my presence...i think. i'm not happy about this, but once again, mum is right. the commute will kill me, but the prospect of free housing at this point is appealing. i don't know. if i get up early enough, there's an apartment i want to go see. but not so bad, obviously, if i have to decide whether or not to get up early enough... sad. i'm sort of in denial about this whole thing. i've only packed one box. this is funny. i've only packed one box, and it's full of national geographic magazines. how bizaare is that? i know that's not the only thing i want to take with me, it's the only thing i can bear to put in a box right now. strange, huh?

saturday is heavy drinking night. i'm taking on the city of chariton once again. which reminds me, i need to pay my parking ticket. still. i know. monday. if i can swap my shifts on monday, i may go to iowa city to see bad fathers and gym class heroes. i dunno. i have a lot to do... but anna banana wants to go and i want to go and and and... grrr... boo for work, yay for money

ord. i'm happy that didn't pan out. for a couple of reasons. i think i'm jumping into something bigger than i am, something that i'm not ready for. and i don't need any more bad decisions, i have plenty of those right here, right now. plus, i think my potential roommate would have been a little flighty and i fear the idea of being left alone in a new city, a huge new city, not knowing anyone. maybe next time...

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