...you end up with friends like mine and then things get fucking impossible. it's not like i don't have enough to worry about with my own life but now i have the pleasure of knowledge i don't want to have. i have been given a "gift", if you will, of information about a person i know, a person that means a lot to me - and i want to return this gift for store credit. i was better off living in my own small delusional world where everyone was honest and credible and trustworthy, because the more i know about the situation, the more duped i feel. i feel like an incredible bonehead for not recognizing what was going on around me. and the texas ranger, whom i love dearly, indicated that withholding such information was for my own good, but today of all days is when the proverbial poo hit the proverbial fan and it just isn't meshing well with everything else going on inside my head today. i swore once before that the first time was the last time with this type of situation and while i hate to lose a friendship, the basis of said friendship is becoming unclear. if these allegations are in fact true, what else has been lies? what really do i know about this friend? and what if they're not true and i feel this way. this isn't going to end well, and i'm not just fearful for me.
other things...
today, i gave away my dog. i'm not a good dog parent - i'm not as patient as i should be and i'm not home enough to provide a dog with what he needs. but it still really hurt to give away my dog this morning. and it's not like i gave him to a complete stranger; i gave him to my grandma. he couldn't be in a better place, she's thrilled to have him and he's happy already. but the act of packing up his little dog toys and bed and dishes just about made me sick this morning. lately, i've been giving away or giving up a lot of things i care about, things that represented a happier time in my life. it's an awful, awful feeling. i don't want to do it anymore.
my nose ring is out. i blew my nose today, because i'm nothing but a giant emotional train wreck right now (and yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that and...) and i blew the damn thing right out. i didn't know that was possible but i guess it is. i tried to put it back in but that sucker healed up like instantaneously. so it's done. which is too bad, i liked it. i'll go get it redone someday when i'm not so freakin' emotional. and when i don't have a cold.
tomorrow, i go get my keys to my new place. i'm exicted. in spite of the crap going on here at this house, i'm leaving. i'm getting out. i'm blowing this pop stand. being here is not good for me. it's not good for anybody. the sooner the better. good riddance.
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