14 September 2006

i don't fear change; change fears me

iah was stupid. the training was stupid. not at all useful. incredibly stupid. the teacher was stupid. the material was stupid. i think continental and express jet and their airplanes and training center and classes are all *stupid*. grrr... however. that being said, i had a great time looking for liquor stores, eating sushi, drinking mai tais, watching my roomie fall in a ditch on the side of the highway and then take a shower outside the long john silvers, eating cinnamon rolls, and making fun of old people from ict. so the trip wasn't entirely wasted. but i could have done most of that at home and not missed my pillow and my dog. :(

i got home yesterday, to a more uncertain reality than when i left. things are happening and i want to know why. without being specific, because i don't really care if you don't understand, sweet reader, here is what befuddles me... a friend has accepted a job in ord. friend and i discussed my taking over of his lease and my moving into his place when he vacates. i thought that was as far as it was going. however, friend gave my name to the hr rep in ord, as someone who might be interested in a couple positions open in ord. friend even applied for a job for me - i did give him the tools to do so, i just never thought he'd really follow through on it. he did. and the hr rep called and she's going to call back today with interview information and i might go up there next week. holy hell. ord? me? what is this?

my doubts lie in this one question: does friend have my best interests at heart or is he just afraid of life in ord? he says, everyone says, that it would do me well to start over in a new city, new job, new home, new friends. but i'm afraid. i'm honest to god scared about the whole thing. i'm comfortable here, i know where i stand, i know what's going on. what if i fail? what if i can't make it? what if, what if, what if? i'm terrified of coming home with my tail between my legs, a big red scarlet letter emblazoned on my chest, defeated and alone and pathetic... that's why i have this giant knot in my stomach.

well, that, and deep down, it's exciting. new city, new job, new home, new friends, new life, new me... deep down, i like this idea. i do think it could be good for me. i just don't want to make any rush judgements, i don't need the sort of heartache a bad move can bring for me right now. i don't know. i really don't know. if it's true that everything happens for a reason, that this is part of someone's master plan for me, i'd sure like to know what it is. i'd like to see the light at the end of the tunnel before i hop on this train. but i don't think it works that way. so here i sit, all sorts of jacked up - nervous in my own skin. and for what?

so. i'm waiting for the phone to ring, and not for the usual reasons. hr lady said she would call. i've got phone calls in on a couple of apartments. not that i wouldn't take a phone call for the usual reasons, he's been calling everyday. OH! speaking of everyday, nigel's freaky ass brother won't stop texting me... grrr... i'm not even replying and yet he keeps trying... booo!

ok. off to shower. i'm closing tonight, really looking forward to that... no, really. i heart bmas. it makes me happy. :D

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