21 September 2007

i gotta write this shit down...

what a week. work is awesome. i like it. mostly, i like the hot chocolate machine. i like to mix the hot chocolate about 65/35 with the coffee and then i find i'm on such a caffeine rush i don't need to eat or blink the rest of the day which is fucking AWESOME. my boss is cool and the consultant has even recommended that i stick around and look into merging into management. which i find just hilarious because if you know me at all you know i've spent most of my life ducking responsibility and things that reek of management and seriousness - i like to blame my "fuck authority" attitude on my father but really i just think that the less that people think i'm capable of, the less they expect of me and then the less i really ever have to do. which is like every slacker's mantra, really. i'm no different than any other rain man genius sociopath. except i'm much cuter.

the job is gravy. the coworkers make it interesting. the managers make it challenging. and the finance staff will be the death of me. i don't understand how anything gets done; but i guess it's not for me to figure out. at least not right now. i'll get to the bottom of it eventually.

i went and looked at an apartment today. it's okay. i'm sort of indifferent about it. the location is prime in relation to work, but it's a little more than i wanted to spend and it's not as nice as i'd hoped it might be. i think i may keep looking before i plunk down an outrageous application fee. the only bad thing about apartments in spankeny is that they're full of dmacc students. it's kind of like living with idiot skills attendees. except that i'm no longer the one ducking in the bushes getting covered in poison ivy therefore i don't think i'll be as receptive to the bullshit.

speaking of bullshit, let's discuss this week's drama with the king bee, shall we? and what a week full of drama and bullshit it has been. i haven't seen him since sunday, and i've barely talked to him since then either. however, in our limited conversation, i have garnered the following information:
  • my outburst on sunday night was inappropriate. i concur. i apologized for the way i handled it - it wasn't kosher and i would have been pissed too. it wasn't okay and i know that. however - i can only apologize so many times before an apology sounds trite and repetitive and insincere. i don't know if he's looking for an engraved invitation to a whine and cheese fest, but he ain't getting one. i done said i'm sorry, do let us move on...
  • he has not necessarily been up front with me about his past living situations. previous conversations had led me to believe that he was nothing but a momma's boy. but as it turns out - and only my asking brought this information to the surface - he has lived with not one, but in fact, two previous girlfriends. i asked about his reputation as the live-in boyfriend; he immediately blamed the gossip circle and those that speak against him. hmmm...
  • his main issue with things at the moment is that he is in fact ready to move in together. i find this interesting on many levels because 1) it's never even been discussed between us and 2) i indicated in the very beginning of this that i wasn't really ready for anything "serious" and if this was ever going to be "anything" i wanted to take my time. after a length of time measuring in at just 96 days - i still don't think i'm ready for this. and to be perfectly honest, i don't know if i'll ever be at that step... with... him...

does it make me a bad person for saying that? does it make me a bad person for dating someone that at this point in time i don't think i have a serious lifetime potential with? what if i know that he thinks that there is serious lifetime potential - does that make me a bad person?

tonight we talked; i said that i don't want to put up with this kind of indifference and lack of communication. i truly think that something of this caliber, even if we disagree, should be discussed. i considered breaking up with him but i didn't want to do it. i don't know why. in relation to him, to "this", i find that i have a superiority complex and i don't know where that comes from. what makes me special enough to think that i can have someone and keep my eyes wide open too? i don't know.

i just don't know about a lot of things anymore.

i know there are pros and cons to being single - and in the grand scheme, i'm okay with them. the idea of singledom in a new town is a little depressing but i'd deal. my friends aren't that far away - it's not freaking dbq, it's spankeny. but time will tell if singledom is the answer. i do know one thing that will help - clearing my mind of all things related to mr. mittens. i don't think that's a healthy relationship and i think it's fucking with my head. his obligations aren't going to go away and regardless what he says, there's no way that this is nsa.

having said that, he'll be around this weekend. which makes my head swimmy and my phone ring...


so my drive to work is like, mad crazy long. way crazy long. i don't even know how many miles, it's like the car won't even count that high. for the first week, i was doing awesome: out of bed at a great time, showered, ready to go - some days i was in spankeny so early i could go to starbucks and get the coffee of the day. which was awesome because, like i said, who needs to blink? but now i have it all figured out as to what is the latest time i can get out of bed, shower, put on a shirt that requires zero ironing and make it to spankeny with like 17 seconds to spare. which is awesome in another degree, really, to be able to calculate it down to such a science and to not spend the money at starbucks because that will cost me about 17,000$ a year not including the cost to get my teeth whitened.

i've found that when i drive i zone out really bad. i'll completely miss landmarks, towns, passing cars and then i'll end up miles beyond where i think i should be and i'm all, "how the fuck did i get here so fast?"

if i moved, i could get out of bed at like 0830 some days. right on.

part of me still just wants to pack up the car and drive away forever. but i left some good lotion at work so i guess i still have to go in for at least one more day. biznatches...

okay. i've got to find something else to do. i'm supposed to be going out with nigel and chrissy and snackmaster bobby tonight, except everybody is like, having kid issues, except me (thank god, THAT arrived today, WOOT!) and so i'm still here and honest to god, i'm considering just going to bed and saying fuck that shit, bitches, i'm rick james, i'll just go to bed and say piss on you. it's sounding better and better the more i think about it.

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