04 September 2007

save the whales. harpoon a fat chick.

so last night i asked the king bee to bring me a glass of water. (yes, the king bee. we seem to be doing better but that's for a later conversation.) so he goes outside to get his work clothes for the morning and comes back upstairs and runs a glass of water from the tap in the bathroom.

you're prolly thinking, aw, that's nice. he took her a glass of water. i didn't even freak out on him all rosie perez-style a la "white men can't jump," even though that would be fun. but that's not the point. the point is the water came from the bathroom. from the bathroom, what's the big deal? it's just that i would never think to do that, and i can even tell you why. it all started when i was a kid. did you know that neurotic little kids grow up to be neurotic little adults? oh yes...

so when i was a kid, i believed all sorts of random things. i don't know where most of them came from; who knows where thoughts come from - they just appear, right? so when i was a kid, i used to think that you couldn't drink water from the tap in the bathroom because it might be dirty toilet water - and you especially could not drink water from the tap in the bathroom while the toilet was flushing because then you were guaranteed to get dirty toilet water. i also used to think that if i drank water (but obviously NOT water from the sink in the bathroom) as i was peeing, i would be able to pee forever, thus eliminating the need to do such things as brush my teeth or go to school.

remember the tablets that the schools used to send home with you, that you chewed up and they showed where all the plaque on your teeth was - sort of a reminder to your parents that you ate too much candy and you needed to go to the damn dentist? i was always terrified that my teeth would forever be stained red.

i was also convinced for a time that there was a bear living across the street from my house. he would come out during the day sometimes but mostly at night while i was trying to sleep. he only wanted to eat my toes - he was a bear with a foot fetish, i guess.

but i also used to think that purple shoes hurt your feet (thanks, dad), your feet were the best way to stop a bicycle (thanks, dad), the fastest way to clean your room was to shove it all under your bed (thanks, dad), and the best way to save whales was to harpoon fat chicks (again, thanks, dad).

yeah. so anyway. king bee handed me this glass of water, this glass of water i'd listened to him run just 10 feet away in the bathroom sink. i was grateful for the water, don't get me wrong. but i'm sure he thought i was on crack when i asked if the toilet was running when he turned on the faucet.

so i explained that this is just one of my many small yet adorable neuroses and he cracked up, explaining that it is impossible, since he is a big know it all plumber steamfitter union guy. psh. whatev. I KNOW.

so i'm going to quit talking now that i've shared just how neurotic i really am. yeah. um. bye.

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