06 July 2008

take my strong hand!

sometimes even *i* don't know what to say. (and i don't need any lip from the peanut gallery, thank you.) but rather than say the wrong thing or say too much, maybe it's best not to say anything at all. if you want to know what's going on, read about it here. i don't even want to talk about it, suffice to say that my heart is breaking for steph and for jordy and of course for tiffany. and while it's not about me, it brings up all sorts of feelings and memories - things that i don't want to think about, i'm not good at thinking about and i'm nowhere near ready to help someone else deal with. how can i be of any help to someone else when i have my own break downs on a regular basis?

i don't know. i can't think about it or i'll start to cry again.

the dogs are doing well, if you consider biting, snarling, chewing, peanut-butter-jar-stealing, water-bowl-tipping, eating-25-pounds-of-food-in-two-weeks, pulling-so-hard-on-the-leash-i-think-my-arms-are-going-to-come-out-of-the-sockets as doing well. if that's the case then they're doing freaking awesome, the jerks. they certainly keep each other entertained and i'm sure they keep our downstairs neighbor enetertained at all hours of the night. but they do keep me on my toes and they give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning, sometimes in the wee hours of the morning and i love them to pieces. i wouldn't trade them for anything, unless there were two equally adorable but well trained boxer puddies sitting in front of me and then i'd think about it real hard...

the bee is gone this weekend. it started out that we were both going to work this weekend and then he opted not to work this weekend and i couldn't get out of working so he decided to go party all weekend. do i sound pissy? yeah, i am. does it do me any good? nope. not at all. i'm completely aware of this and i'm still not going to do anything about it. i'm good at being pissy, so shut the hell up. this is my story, remember? anyway. there was a point to this and now i'm pissy about defending my pissiness to you and i can't remember what i was even freaking talking about.

holy crizzap.

oh yeah. so the bee is gone this weekend and so it's just me and the puddies. which means that the bee is on doggie duty for days when he returns. i always say that and then i get pissy when he doesn't take the doggies outside on the schedule that i have predetermined in my head, like he can access that and then i just do it my damn self, muttering under my breath something about "if i want it done right i'm just going to do it" and using the words "useless" and "lazy" a lot. i am such a bitch. it's no freaking wonder we argue as much as we do - god, i suck.

all that said, sometimes i wonder if i just create arguements for the sake of arguing, you know? the last few days, i know i've had some valid points - there truly have been some valid arguments, thank you very much - but some of them are just petty stupid shit that doesn't really matter. and it's like i can't make it stop - remember "mean girls?" (i know, right?) it's word vomit. it just keeps coming out and i can't stop it. and i know when i'm saying it that, it's either 1) pointless and it's just going to cause an argument or 2) just plain mean. and i don't know why i do it - i've done ever since i was a little kid - it just comes out and i can't stop it and then as soon as it leaves my mouth i want to cry because i know what it's going to do and there's no way i can change it. because we all say that they're just words and they don't mean anything but we all know that is such a lie.

especially me. because i can't remember what i had for breakfast this morning but you put me in an argument and suddenly i have a photographic freaking memory and every look on your face and every word that comes out of your mouth is emblazoned on my brain until the end of time - and that's no good for me (because i also suffer from instant replay head) but it's also no good for you because i'll bring that shit up over and over until you want to stuff a sock in my mouth and drop me off a bridge. for real.

i fight dirty. and i have no idea how to make that stop. i've heard that as i get older my desire to fight/argue/create drama is supposed to drop off - yeah, i haven't gotten there yet. but i have to tell you, i have never met anyone that pushes my buttons quite like the bee. i have no idea why. but i'm open to suggestions and ideas and (constructive) criticisms from those of you that might be able to help me. and if the answer is duct tape, garbage bags and a shovel when i get really pissed off, i'm open to that too.

that's for him. not me. der. unless you think that wrapping my head in duct tape and getting in a trash bag while holding a shovel would be good for the situation. and then i'm going to tell you that you're probably related to the bee and to get the hell off my blog, damn it.


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