17 June 2008

craisins on tuesmonday

since i chose to duck out on yesterday and take the easy way out, today is my monday when it's everyone else's tuesday. which explains my case of the mondays on tuesday. but really, today is better than yesterday so i could say that i have a case of the tuesdays. or the montuesdays. or the tuesmondays. but really what it all boils down to is that i'm really good at being on vacation and i don't want to go back to work.

yeah, i've been having a rough few days. and that's in spite of the fact that i have been on vacation and i haven't really been doing anything. but i think my mind kind of works against itself sometimes and too much down time is a bad thing. because i have been a mental mess lately and yesterday i had to haul my ass into the doctor for a medicinal overhaul and a strong dose of reality. it's the same stuff; nothing new - but i replay it over and over in my head until i'm just physically ill. i have to stop doing that, i know that much - i just don't know how. part of me knows that i made the best decision - that there really wasn't much of a decision to be made - but sometimes i'm really good at convincing myself that i'm a monster for what i've done and i just let that guilt completely take over me. and then i don't know how to handle myself.

it doesn't help that i freaked out in front of the family when asked to hold a baby the other day. i did, i literally freaked out and couldn't do it. i wanted to throw up. i wanted to curl up and die. i had a pain in my heart and a pain in my gut that hurt more than i can explain and i can still feel if i think about it enough. i really don't want to talk about it except to say that the whole thing was embarassing and i hope the baby's mother understands that it's not her and it's not her baby.

it also doesn't help that i've been alone for the last week, just me and the dog. the bee is working on the road and has been gone since thursday morning. his shop has had him in cedar rapids and waterloo, working with a crew of guys that are attempting to save a couple of high dollar buildings from flood waters. water is water, it goes where it wants and since they're not god they can't stop it - it's a futile battle if you ask me. but no one did ask me and because of that i've been sitting home alone, on my vacation, while he works 24 hours a day. i'm not good at being alone. it sort of compounds my other problems, which isn't anyone else's fault - i'm not blaming anyone else - i'm just not good at being by myself. i really miss him.

so maybe it will be good that i go back to work today. i can't believe i said that. i had to hide all my stuff before i left because the jerks that i work with have sticky fingers. i fully expect my kleenex to be gone. however, i should have a really big bag of craisins in my desk drawer which is making me hungry to think about. craisins sound really good right now. but if i'm going to eat craisins, i'm going to have to go to work, which means i'm going to have to take a shower. and that means i've got to get my butt off the 'puter and off the sofa.


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