last night i couldn't sleep. i had this giant ball of stress in my stomach that just wouldn't unwind. and i'll admit, there's a few things on my mind. some of them are of my own doing; others are things out of my control. some are just fucking absurd, things that i probably shouldn't be contemplating but i am. isn't it strange sometimes how much of your life is out of your control? its like, no matter what your life plan is, it doesn't really matter because you can't stop what comes at you 94 percent of the time anyway.
i was just thinking about this the other day. i make a million decisions everyday, from where to part my hair to whether or not to eat breakfast to moving in with the bee. and at the time, they seem insignificant, unimportant. but sometimes, hours, days, months, years down the road you turn around and say, "that day, that one day, that one decision i made, it was life changing, but i didn't know it at the time." its just interesting to think about. not that breakfast or where i part my hair are generally life altering decisions. but sometimes the things i think are nothing are acutally something and i just don't know it until it's already passed.
does this mean i just don't pay attention? is everyone like this? do i make snap judgements and not consider the consequences? or is my life out of my hands, to a certain degree? am i just following some path that's been laid out in front of me, direction and destination unknown?
i'm fully aware that some of the decisions i make are less than stellar and i make them anyway. sometimes they fit what i want at that exact moment. sometimes i'm not sure what the fuck i'm doing but i do it in spite of that fact. sometimes i just like to pretend that i know what i'm doing because i'm tired of the indecision - gotta do something even if its wrong.
sometimes i just don't know.