07 May 2008

no more grazing on the cubicle farm

upon taking this job at giant corporate conglomate company, i was moderately shocked at the size of some of the people that work there. we're talking about some big people. now before you get your panties all wadded, understand that i'm no size 2 talking about size 8's here. i'm not going to tell you what size i am, but it's about average anymore, and we're talking about womba women (and men) that are rocking those cubicles on a daily basis.

no literally rocking them when they get up and sit down because they have to in order to get in and out. seriously. these are big people. big. large. big mc large huge.

and at first i wondered if they weren't spiking the water out there on the cubicle farm but as it turns out there is just a lot of free time for food. and they provide a lot of food. because generally food makes people happy. and free food makes people even happier. (myself included.) supervisors keep drawers of candies and chocolates and what-have-you's in preparation for the next breakdown or meltdown or shootdown or whatever happens next. and so when our mouths aren't moving from talking, they're moving from eating.

the point is in all of this is that i'm eating all the damn time now. and it's pissing me off. so i'm implementing a "no food" rule in my cubicle. (you have no idea how much i hate admitting that i have a cubicle, it's ganking with my chi in an uberly-uncool way. and why we're talking about cubicles, why are they all that boring shade of grey? who decided that grey was the one color that made people more productive and less homicidal, really? because it's giving me a g.d. headache after about 45 minutes every day. i'm making it my new goal to wallpaper my cubicle, which is from now on going to be referred to as my "domain" in my new super sticky (and also super expensive, but that's a topic for another day) neon post it notes because i would rather look at neon blue, orange, green and yellow than boring fucking neutral grey. hallelujah. holy shit. where's the tylenol?!) fuck. anyway. no food in the cubicle, er, domain. that's the new rule.

so if you read this and you work with me and you happen to see me eating while in ruling in my domain, come over and kick my ass in a corporate-ly correct way.

one thing that i think will help with this "too much food" problem i'm having currently is the acquisition of a new pet this week. (i'm so excited about this, you have no idea. unless, again, you happen to work with me and sit around me and then you know that i've been talking about nothing else since sunday.) this friday, the bee and i are picking up our new puppy.


this is not our puppy. i wasn't smart enough to think of taking pictures of our puppy when i had the chance. but our puppy looks like this. only way more cuter.

i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am for this. our puppy is a boxer and his name will be kingsley. and he is so adorable and sweet and has the cutest disposition - i'm in love with this dog, i tell you. we met the breeder last weekend and hung out for a while, playing with the pups and the parents and they are the coolest dogs in the entire world. they honestly think they're lap dogs but they weigh about 70 pounds. they're awesome. i can't wait to go pick him up. :)

so how does this help resolve my current food problem? well, for one, dogs eat a lot of food. so more for him, less for me. no, i'm kidding. the puppy will need to be walked and go outside which is something that i'm not currently doing a lot of, even though the weather is nice. so a puppy will help me achieve some of my goals too. plus puppies are just fun. i am so, so looking forward to this little guy coming home this weekend. :D

so other than the whole work sucks thing, the grey fucking domain thing, and the fact that some dutch asshole keyed my car last weekend during the holy event they call tulip time, life is good. well, i'm allergic to the new laundry soap we bought (and we bought like 7 gallons of it, so it's going to be around for awhile) so i get to slather on a layer of cortaid under my lotion in the morning. i think the two counteract each other because i still itch like a motherfucker all freaking day, no joke. that sort of sucks. but the laundry soap was on sale and that's all that matters, right?

it was supposed to rain last night and i was so looking forward to that because we have giant kamikaze birds living in the trees surrounding the apartment. these birds poop dinner plate size poops and they look so not awesome on my dark blue car, that's been fun lately. anyway, i thought it was going to rain so i avoided washing the car all week in anticipation of the mega-storm that was a-brewing. fucking weather channel. now i'll never take jim cantore's name in vain (sigh... )but i know they have the tools to provide accurate and responsible weather forecasts, the bastards. apparently now they're in cahoots with the carwash places (and the grocery stores, my mom says, because the weather channel gets kickbacks on all the toilet paper and milk and bread they sell in blizzards) and i'm still driving around with pizza-size bird shit on my car. awesome.

no plans tonight. i don't like to talk much anymore, since that's pretty much all i do at work. it's got the bee all freaked out, he always thinks i'm mad. but it makes him a little nicer sometimes and i'm all for that. so now i'm just quiet all the time and i find i get what i want with far less resistance. :D anyway. he's off at some union meeting and i'm going to go eat a box of cookies i would have eaten in my domain and finish a bottle of wine (that i wouldn't have finished in my domain but i'd sure like to try finishing while in my domain sometime. i honestly don't think anyone would notice. except maybe the bizzo in the domain across from mine and only then because i wouldn't be sharing and she'd be pissed.) and watch harold and maude.

it's good to be the janel.

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