02 April 2008

i need a new perspective.

i think today is wednesday. my days are running together. my days have been running together for the last four months, if you want to know the truth, whether i'm here or there or on the eastern seaboard or where the fuck ever. i generally know the date, because my phone always tells me the date, but it doesn't tell me what day it is. so i can always tell you the date, i just can't tell you if its tuesday or saturday and sometimes that gets to be a problem. but not very often because i rarely have to be out of bed before 10am or have anything to all day everyday.

do i sound frustrated?

i guess i am. i'm not sure why. i'm actually pretty good at being unemployed; more so than the average bear. but this time around it's starting to grate on my nerves. money is an issue for me right now. it's more of a lack of money than anything else. i have bills that are due and no money to pay them. i get up in the morning and listen for the fish tank to see if the electricity is still on and if the apartment is still warm. one of these days the bee is going to be late for work because the alarm won't go off because they're going to shut my phone off because i haven't paid the bill in forever. things like that. i did pay the rent yesterday; that took just about everything i had in my checking account.

and he is contributing, don't get me wrong. but he's got things that are way far behind too because i'm not the only one that's managed to get so far off track. we're a couple of fiscal retards. that is so not awesome, i can't even begin to tell you how not awesome that is. it's like a whole new level of un-awesomeness, below anything i've ever experienced before...

anyway. that's enough of me griping for now. blah blah blah...

we all have problems. i still have free wifi. i have hot water. for now, i have a warm apartment and that's good. i live not far from a pretty big intersection here in our fair city (ha.) and it's one of the few where you can actually find homeless people. a few days ago there was a poor man down there, next to the off-ramp from the interstate, he was so sad and filthy, but he had a huge smile on his face because he had a kitten zipped up in his coat, its little head peeking out from the top of his zipper. it was so adorable. it took everything i had to keep from sobbing. because no matter how bad i think my life is, it's nothing compared to the suffering felt by others, to extents i can't even imagine.

i have places i can go, people who will love me and care for me, keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach. but i'm one of the lucky ones; not everyone can say that. maybe i'm just a sucker for the human condition, but that man made me cry because i felt guilty for feeling like everything was so wrong in my life when he was feeling so okay in his - he was, even for a moment experiencing such joy, you could see it on his face, in spite of his situation, it was amazing - and i have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity, it just seems wrong. so i'm going to stop for now. and go enjoy the sunshine and the really nice day that it has become.

i did get some good news today. i got the job at the giant corporation that i don't really want but i'll take because it's a job and because it's money that will pay the bills that will keep me living comfortably, with shelter and food. good news is good news, after all.

but it's too nice to be in here any longer. i'm going to go sit on my deck and read.

hope your day is good.

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