my keyboard smells like donuts

i'm still in training. and as was so sweetly pointed out to me, i'm always in some sort of training. i know. i have the best intentions when acception a job (which we are not pronouncing "hob" today, by the way) but i always end up getting bored and quitting or getting fired for some asinine reason that i can generally explain away to everyone except my boss. but whatever. the point is that i'm always, always in training and rarely actually doing a job.

i get this. i'm okay with it. i'm good at a lot of things and really interested in none of them, truth be told. i like to think it's an affliction of the gifted but i know that it's probably more of an attitude problem than anything else. whatever. you're not the boss of me!

so i'm sitting in training for this job (not "hob") that i've taken with this giant conglomerate corporation, listening to my trainer drone on and on and on. this is boring shit folks. because i now work in the financial services industry and this is funny for two reasons.

one - i am a fiscal retard. no, seriously. i'm a complusive spender (self diagnosed) - if i have 10$, i'm going to spend 20$. and if i have a credit card, i'm going to charge as much as i can. i know it's wrong but i can't help it. no seriously, i can't stop myself. i like the smell of retail. i like the smell of new things. i know i don't need them, but i like the idea of having new things - like six matching pairs of shoes or three new pairs of matching jeans. and i'm not a walmart shopper. oh hell no. we're talking top end shit. i don't know when i got so expensive, but it happened. i am cultivated. which is actually kind of funny, too, because i'm all jeans and t-shirts and tattoos and ponytails and 1000$ purses and 50$ underpants. wtf is that all about? there's got to be a therapy for that...

not that i still have 1000$ purses or 50$ underpants. i sold them on ebay ages ago. yeah, you can sell used underpants on ebay. somedays, it is just like a garage sale. except you don't call them used, you say words like "delicate" and "gently" but us hardcore ebay shoppers know the truth: those are somebody elses dirty grundies you are snapping up there, biznatches and that is wrong. now don't yell at me, because it's all about supply and demand, and i am just satisfying the demand of the general public - i can't help it if that demand is for a supply of pre-owned underwear. i can't help it if the general public has a fetish for pre-worn underpants. i'm just the messenger here. i don't write the news, i just report it. my god, i sound like a criminal.

what in the hell was i talking about? oh. right.

two: i haven't balanced my checkbook in probably four years. i'm not kidding here. i wouldn't even know where to start. i mean, i know how - in fact, i used to also do this compulsively. (i used to be compulsive about a lot of things: clean countertops, laundry, floors, dust, paying bills, blah, blah, blah...) but now i've become one of those people that reads atm receipts and takes them as gospel, in spite of what my mom and my high school business teacher have repeatedly told me (and that is DON'T do that, it's never right and you'll pay out the ass in overdraft fees. and they're right. i could have a lot of dollars if i had all those overdraft fees back but that's a whole different story.)

where in the fuck was i going with this?

right. training. so i'm sitting in training, trying really hard not to fall asleep, which has been nearly impossible the last couple days. (i don't know why, but i can't get out of bed in the morning.) and my trainer is going over and over all these little industry acronyms and abbreviations and suddenly i hear it: RFD. and i'm instantly transported to 10th grade history class and mr. bailey, who i am still convinced smoked a bowl with our school's biggest potheads on lunch every single day. evidence? dude had mad amounts of visine in his desk drawer for the crazy red eyes he had every afternoon (and yes, sadly, i was in his desk drawer for one reason or another, i don't remember the specifics, but i was coined a "bad kid" back in the dizzay), he had oddly close relationships with some suspect students, and he had an interesting affinity for original trident gum. (not exactly evidence pointing to a pothead, but still pretty freaking weird. original? who in the world chews original? that shit was nasty.) anyway. i'm off track.

i hear RFD. i'm thinking back to 10th grade, when life was easier (at least in comparison to life now, because i was all about the drama and creating it back then). i'm thinking mr. bailey. sitting in that god awful classroom on the second floor of the old high school building in front of patrick mc farland, and being tested on franklin d. roosevelt's new deal. remember the new deal? i'm not going to cover all of it, because frankly (LOL! no pun intended!) history's not my bag, but if you want to read up, go here.

god, this is taking forever. it's almost as painful as traning class. i'm putting myself to sleep here.

anyway. 10th grade history. FDR. the new deal. part of the new deal was RFD. and i'm being tested on this. history wasn't my bag back then either, but i suffered through it. not so well on this particular exam though. i'm asked to define certain acronyms, parts of the new deal. easy right? not for this moron on that day...

"RFD: really fast dog"

yeah, no. that jackass of a teacher of mine read that shit in front of the class to make an example of me and apparently what not to do. however, i'll never forget that rural free delivery was part of FDR's new deal, even if dogs, no matter how really fast or not, were not involved.

this, folks, is how i'm getting through training. because if i don't keep myself entertained with stories and anecdotes and poems and songs and doodles and illegal text messages and pictures and multiple bathroom trips and water trips and counting the minutes until break and lunch and break and time to go home, i will seriously keel over and die of boredom.

that's how bad it is. all for a job (not "hob") that will pay the bills (because i do have to pay the bills, it's not cool to not pay the bills, i've decided) and keep the electricity on (because i've decided i do like electricity, it's kind of handy).

there are some upsides. if i decide to rejoin chubby kids (did i mention i'm a chubby kids dropout? i know, right? i suck.), they'll pay for some of it. and the benefits are pretty good. and i can wear jeans to work, which i totally dig. it's only 10 minutes away and parking is free, which is rockin. plus, they have an ice machine that's like the ice machine at quik trip - it spits out neat-o little teeny-weeny ice nuggets as opposed to big honkin' ice cubes, and that's the cat's pajamas. i dig little ice cubes because they don't hurt my teeth and you can spit them at the cubicle across the hall with little to no effort. and i do like things that require little to no effort.

but as far as other upsides, i haven't found any yet. i got company email today but was strongly advised not to ever use it so as not to gain any compliance violations so i won't be fired. wtf? give me a toy, then take it away...

it's really nice but it's tornado windy outside. my hair doesn't approve of this weather but no one asked my permission. i'm dealing but i'm not thrilled.

i can't remember to update my nascar picks but somehow i'm still number one.

i. am. number one.

libbeth had the baby. isla grace. she's beautiful. i love her. (and i don't even know her, lol!) i'm trying really hard not to be jealous.

speaking of that (not libbeth, but babies in general), being with the bee has like reopened a whole new grieving period for me. that sort of sucks. it's like all these emotions that i've already had - that i was supposed to be having with him except he wasn't around when i needed him - are coming back and not in any sort of modest manner. i'm trying really hard not to resent him or be angry but that's a hard feeling to shelve, you know? sometimes i wonder if i'll be able to do that long term... but things in our little world are going well. we're getting along well. any spats that we've had we've talked through - logically and calmly and like adults, if you can believe it.

chinese for dinner tonight. we're getting to know the delivery guy pretty well. we may even have to give him a christmas card except now that i write that, i'm not sure that chinese people celebrate christmas and giving him a christmas card might be really awkward and i don't want him to spit in my food or think i'm a big dumb dummy for not knowing what he celebrates. i don't know. maybe i'll get him a target giftcard or something for being so timely and awesome. or maybe i won't do anything and we'll just continue to have this weird silent relationship: me, the food orderer and him, the food deliverer. that's probably how it'll go. i'm down with that. i don't want him to think we're going to invite him in for a three-way or something bizarro like that.

i cleaned out the fishtank, which hadn't been cleaned for like a decade or some shit like that and now i think that fluffy is sick. doesn't that just figure? but the tank looks awesome. it's never been so clean.

okay. so i'm going to go home now. i'm surrounded by 5th graders that are pretending to be 15 years old on myspace. somebody call dateline. i smell a setup.

[janel will insert catchy title here. when she thinks of it.]

i can't tell if it's raining or snowing. it's snaining. or maybe its rowing. hmm...

i only have a few days of freedom left before the giant corporate conglomerate starts chaining me to a desk and slowly sucking the life out of me on a daily basis, allowing me just a few hours each evening to regenerate enough life fluid to survive. how i adore the banalities of corporate america. it makes me wonder why i have a degree in what i have a degree in, anyway, considering how much i hate "the man" and what "he" stands for.

damn the man. what the fuck was i thinking? i should have been an art major (except i flunked art history 101, baby!) or a history major (but the history channel puts me to sleep) so maybe i just should have skipped college all together and saved myself the money and stress. whatever. it's a little late to decide that now. it's not like i can return my degree.

"hi, i'm not happy with decision or with this debt load. i'd like to return this degree on the grounds that it has been unsatisfactory for me and that i didn't really pay a whole hell a lot of attention anyway. i mean, really, let's not fool ourselves here - you and i both know that i only attended class on days that were absolutely necessary and sometimes not even then. yeah. check that shit. i'll wait. yeah, seriously, what were you thinking, letting me graduate? i'm not a very good representative of your school. you should take this shit away on general principle alone, man. no, my feelings aren't hurt. well, maybe a little. now what am i going to tell people i've been doing for the last 8 years of my life? fuck. well, that's my problem, not yours. okay, yeah, so can i get a receipt for this? awesome..."

that's so not going to happen.

today was therapy day. no one cried, no one yelled or screamed or made an ass out of themselves. i didn't have to drag him in and he didn't run out midsession - i consider that a personal victory. i think we both learned a little bit about each other - our emotional needs and how we think the other is fulfilling them. some of the discussion was interesting, it got a little tense in a couple spots, but nothing we couldn't talk our way out of. and i don't think he completely disliked my therapist but he wasn't completely comfortable with her, either. normal i guess - who wants to talk about their sex life in front of a total stranger? i can't blame him for that. but we'll see if we apply what we've learned to every day life, that's the hard part. i'll keep you posted.

i have stuff on ebay. did i tell you that? i have a few things to ship so after i leave panera i have to go to the post office. in the snow. i hate snow. actually i don't hate snow i just hate snow in april. because i've already started wearing slippas and once i start wearing slippas i can't stop wearing slippas because then i feel like a poser and who wants to feel like a poser?

i'm just rambling here, because i have nothing else to do today. if i go home, i'll want to read a book and i'm not starting any more books until i finish pride and prejudice and i may just hang myself from the shower curtain rod before i actually finish that freaking nightmare. ugh. what in the world was i thinking? i have all these books i want to read and this one book that's holding me up. although, now that i have found the footnotes it's going a little bit faster. and who in the world puts all the footnotes at the END of the book? that's just dumb. that's upsetting me greatly.

i have to go play fantasy nascar now. i have a first place lead to extend.

the snow is starting to stick. yuckity yuck yuck yuck....

i need a new perspective.

i think today is wednesday. my days are running together. my days have been running together for the last four months, if you want to know the truth, whether i'm here or there or on the eastern seaboard or where the fuck ever. i generally know the date, because my phone always tells me the date, but it doesn't tell me what day it is. so i can always tell you the date, i just can't tell you if its tuesday or saturday and sometimes that gets to be a problem. but not very often because i rarely have to be out of bed before 10am or have anything to all day everyday.

do i sound frustrated?

i guess i am. i'm not sure why. i'm actually pretty good at being unemployed; more so than the average bear. but this time around it's starting to grate on my nerves. money is an issue for me right now. it's more of a lack of money than anything else. i have bills that are due and no money to pay them. i get up in the morning and listen for the fish tank to see if the electricity is still on and if the apartment is still warm. one of these days the bee is going to be late for work because the alarm won't go off because they're going to shut my phone off because i haven't paid the bill in forever. things like that. i did pay the rent yesterday; that took just about everything i had in my checking account.

and he is contributing, don't get me wrong. but he's got things that are way far behind too because i'm not the only one that's managed to get so far off track. we're a couple of fiscal retards. that is so not awesome, i can't even begin to tell you how not awesome that is. it's like a whole new level of un-awesomeness, below anything i've ever experienced before...

anyway. that's enough of me griping for now. blah blah blah...

we all have problems. i still have free wifi. i have hot water. for now, i have a warm apartment and that's good. i live not far from a pretty big intersection here in our fair city (ha.) and it's one of the few where you can actually find homeless people. a few days ago there was a poor man down there, next to the off-ramp from the interstate, he was so sad and filthy, but he had a huge smile on his face because he had a kitten zipped up in his coat, its little head peeking out from the top of his zipper. it was so adorable. it took everything i had to keep from sobbing. because no matter how bad i think my life is, it's nothing compared to the suffering felt by others, to extents i can't even imagine.

i have places i can go, people who will love me and care for me, keep a roof over my head and food in my stomach. but i'm one of the lucky ones; not everyone can say that. maybe i'm just a sucker for the human condition, but that man made me cry because i felt guilty for feeling like everything was so wrong in my life when he was feeling so okay in his - he was, even for a moment experiencing such joy, you could see it on his face, in spite of his situation, it was amazing - and i have spent so much time wallowing in my own self pity, it just seems wrong. so i'm going to stop for now. and go enjoy the sunshine and the really nice day that it has become.

i did get some good news today. i got the job at the giant corporation that i don't really want but i'll take because it's a job and because it's money that will pay the bills that will keep me living comfortably, with shelter and food. good news is good news, after all.

but it's too nice to be in here any longer. i'm going to go sit on my deck and read.

hope your day is good.