07 October 2007

dualing banjos, dualing personalities

have i ever told you how tired i get of drama? i swear, i instigate very little of it. maybe some of it. maybe it's the people i choose to hang out with. i don't know. but it's giving me a fucking ulcer and it's got to stop.

king bee and i had plans last night, as concrete as they ever are, which is not saying much because i'm honestly not one for making plans. nigel got sick, snackmaster bob got pissy and they went home. i ended up hanging out with some other pals and my arrival at our meeting point was late, i'll admit - but when am i ever NOT late? but the scene was horrific inside and it only got worse outside. i was so embarrassed by the way he acted and by the things he said, i just left. i was going to go home. i wasn't going to say anything more, i wasn't going to say anything at all because i knew if i started i wasn't going to be able to stop. but he called and told me to fuck off, he's done with me and my bullshit. and then he hung up.

i didn't call him back.

instead i called mr. mittens. and drove south of town to a place i've been avoiding since i've been in this hellhole of a town. i knew it was a bad decision; i knew the whole thing was wrong. it was so wrong i sat outside in my car and discussed with myself the poor decision i was making. but i still went inside. and mr. mittens was there. and so were some others that i haven't seen in years.

it's strange how time doesn't really age some people - it's like they'll look the same until the end of time. maybe that's my memory playing with me, i'm not sure. but they're still the same people, living the same lives with the same goals they had 10 years ago. and perhaps its my own dissatisfaction with my own life, but i couldn't help but think that some of it was just sad. their own personal expectations aside, these people were and are capable of much more. but it's like they get sucked into this trap, this area, and they're here. and i'm spouting off here, because i can't say for sure that this wasn't their life goal, their life expectation. but it's just shocking to find the personality and intelligence (hard to discern at 0130 on a saturday night, i know, but i know these people) in this location, living these lives. but i shouldn't judge, should i?

mr. mittens tried to talk to me. he wanted to talk to me but i really wanted nothing of it. i just wanted to be away from the constant argument that becomes my relationship with the bee on most days that end in "y". and i said that i just don't want anything at the moment. i want my space and i need some time. because i really don't know what i'm doing. and as far as mr. mittens, that's all i know. i have no confirmation on his home life. i don't even want to talk about it. i don't want to know.

king bee started calling in the middle of the night last night. i told him where i was, where i'd been. i didn't have to tell him who i was with. his apologies were trite and while i think he's sorry for what he said and how he treated me, i don't think he understands why i'm upset. we talked several times in the middle of the night. he wanted me to come to his family dinner this afternoon; i had mixed emotions about it but finally declined the invitation because it dawned on me where the drama stems from: there are two sides to the bee. i get one side when it's just the two of us, alone, chilling, doing our thing. i get another side when he's touched any sort of alcohol or he's in public. and that's not right.

i am who i am, what i am, everyday. there's little flux in my personality from day to day, albeit it's fair to say that random is a accurate adjective. i'm the same person at home that i am when i'm out. my friends don't have a lot of impact on my personality - in fact, i make it a point to try not to let my friends opinions influence me too greatly. i don't want to be that kind of person - i like who i am and what i do and i'm nowhere near perfect. i'll own that statement.

but i want to be with someone who is the same way - i don't want to have to wonder who i'm going to see or talk to or be with and then adjust my actions accordingly. it's not fair to me. it's really not even fair to him, if you think about it.

but i don't know that i can make him understand that. i don't know if it's worth the time to continue trying. i can't wrap my mind around it at the moment; it's making my head hurt. do you know, is the application process for the nunnery complicated? can i just show up and get my habit? send me your address, i'll send you some pottery.

signing off.

love and kisses,

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