staying afloat

i've decided that i'm going to quit saying, "things have to get better - they can't get any worse."

it's apparently just not true.

the bee moved out on thursday afternoon. again. i can't really pinpoint the exact reason except to say that it's sort of been building for awhile now. we've been falling into old routines and ruts and neither of us are happy with the path that we're on. i'm not sure how to change it or if it can be changed. and this makes me so sad, for so many reasons.

i'm sad because i love the bee very much. and i know that he loves me - i have no doubts about that. but apparently that's not enough.

i don't have a lot to say about this right now. i'm sort of meandering in shock mode. i hurt. my heart hurts.

and that is the end of that.

i purposely avoided saying anything yesterday, but i heard from the bee. phone calls and text messages. apparently the idea of my leaving finally got to him - he felt compelled to contact me, for whatever reason. so 2am on sunday morning, there he was. luckily for me, i was sleeping. but i woke up to "u don't know what you mean 2 me" and "i know you think i'm an asshole, but you don't have any idea what that loss, and your leaving, is doing to me. i had it good and i didn't know it..."

i texted back: "who is this?"

we talked last night. we talked about all the reasons he didn't come through for me, which really, he gave me none. his excuses were paltry and pathetic - he stammered and hemmed and hawwed and i know nothing more than i knew a week ago - but i feel better because he knows that i suffered. and i am suffering. he knows that i don't need him to get through this, because i'm recovering, and i can't say the same for him.

he claims he never said the awful and horrible things that i was told he said. i let him tell me that without arguing to the contrary. he is notorious for saying things and then "forgetting" that he said them. whatever makes him feel better. obviously those words weren't meant for my ears, but that's beside the point.

i came clean about a lot of things, and childish or not, it's a load off my shoulders. he replied with hateful words, which i knew that he would, and i didn't let it bother me. because a) i know the truth and i know he knows the truth and b) there was no good to come out of this conversation in the first place. i wasn't looking for some miracle reconciliation, in fact, i was really hoping it wouldn't turn into that. i guess i was just looking for civility, which i got for a while, but ended when he turned vulgar and hung up.

some things will never change. but at least they won't be my issues to deal with in the future. i'm washing my hands of the situation and it feels good to do so.

and so that is that. coming back next month and moving out of the apartment, i'll have to decide whether or not to contact him - he left a couple of things there that i know he still really wants. i could be a bitch and let him buy them back on ebay. or i could just leave them on his parent's porch. we'll see.

today i'm headed to the big city with my momma for some lunch and some shopping. apparently in order to shop we have to get her half schnockered, which she says actually works to my advantage. i'll let you know how this works out. but i need a few things from my apartment, and i'd like to clean out some baby-related items as well, to add to the collection mom is keeping for me. i don't know where any of it is, but i've asked that she keep all my momentos in one spot. one day i'll want them, i'll be able to look at them. i just can't do it right now.

have a good day. thanks for looking in on me. i'm still here. :)

it's just you and me, kid

i asked the bee to leave. he didn't go quietly or quickly - in fact he was apparently quite surprised by the request. he said awful things, terrible things, about me and the baby both. i hope they were said in anger; i'd hate to think that he really meant them.

i only have a few days left in my apartment. i'm not going to be able to live here anymore. it's not a surprise, it's something i had to come to terms with before i could ask him to leave. i'm back to driving to and from the big city, something that hopefully i'll be doing on a regular basis before long; something that doesn't last forever.

i didn't cry, i don't feel like crying. i'm just sort of numb. unfortunately, it's not going to get easier in the near future. but it has to get better.

i'm going to fill the fishtank and take off for the parentals. even though it was my idea, i just don't feel like being alone tonight.