i have to be awake and coherent in less than 10 hours.

i now have business socks. no, seriously, i do. we went to the mall, a mall, i have no idea where, and i bought some pants that i could have sworn were on sale, four tank tops that were on sale, some really cute brown shoes, business socks, and a shirt with business built in, because that's how i roll. i am businessed up.

now someone give me a damn job.

libbeth came up with another pro for moving to north carolina: nascar drivers live here. you see them at the grocery store. you see them in public. you see them with their wives and girlfriends (boo) and families. they live like normal people here, even the cute ones. isn't that amazing?

in fact, the more time i spend out and about in public here, people seem normal here. all sorts of normal. there is no standard because there is no normal. there are punk people and ghetto people and redneck people and preppy people and family people and no one notices anyone else - we sat in a restaurant full of people, all these wonderfully diverse people, all these wonderfully different kinds of people that weren't paying any mind to anyone else. it was just nice for a change, to be out of my little part of the world where everyone knows everyone and everyone looks the same and acts the same and thinks the same.

our dinner was good. it was nice to have a chance to talk, just the two of us. its not often that we get to just talk, you know? just talk and laugh and cry, which of course, i did, because i still cry all the time, everywhere i go. she just listened to me and tried to make me feel better. i still have bad days - rough moments, sad feelings and things come rushing over me and i can't control it. it generally doesn't last very long and i can usually control it, but for the last couple days, it's been really bad. i've cried the last couple nights and i've had especially awful dreams, too. i can tell i've progressed in the last three weeks, i really can, and i know that time will make a lot of things better. i just wish that time would make guilt go away. i don't know what makes that go away. anyone have any ideas? i'm not dealing with that part very well. :(

i really should be in bed but i'm not very tired. we're watching ryan play ps3 (which is pretty freaking amazing, by the way). i think at one point i offered to sell a kidney or a spleen or a femur or some other unnecessary body part for a ps3; now i can see why.

my interview is at 11am; which means that i have to leave the house at 10am; which is hilarious because i haven't been out of bed before 1030am since i've been here. i don't know what the hell i was thinking when i set that up. what a freaking retard.

wish me luck.

the food network is making me fat.

i'm suffering from stir-crazy. i feel the need, the need not for speed but to get out of these walls. i just need some air. yesterday was a bad day for me, we didn't do much of anything and my mind kind of works against me in situations like that. i love these kids, i love these people, but sometimes i get a little jealous. that and i found some grief message boards and while the purpose is good, the timing was a little bit off. lizbeth was like, if you need anything, keys, anything, just let me know. um, yeah right. here, let me take your car and get myself lost as hell in a town where you're the only person i know. that just does not sound like a good idea. but anyway. i hate the idea of being jealous; its such a nasty feeling, to envy someone you love so much. i can't help it.

so i'm hoping maybe we go somewhere today. but lizbeth isn't feeling well - she's going on 32 weeks preggo, i don't know that anyone feels good at that point - so our travels can be limited at times. we're trying to talk ryan into going to tybee island, georgia so we can eat at the crab shack and try the 22$ seafood sampler platter. we may just head out when he's done with his project - he'll watch the kids and we'll have a girls night, or a girls couple of days, since its about 5 hours away.

there's karaoke at my old favorite bar on 15 march. nigel and i are planning on getting wasted and belting out pat benatar all night. mark your calendars, its going to be an event.

i'm still working on my pros and cons list. i might post that tonight, i'm not sure.

did i tell you that i think that i may be getting rid of my uugof in the next couple of months? i'm a little sad about that, but i just can't afford him anymore. my poor little uugof, we've had quite the tumultuous relationship but he's been good to me. i will miss him. :(

i played mario kart today. i loved that game when i was 11 and i love that game now. it only takes about 20 minutes before i start to develop carpal tunnel and my thumbs hurt. and i suck now and i'm playing a 4 year old. i can't imagine the game got much harder, i think i just suck that much more. boo hiss boo.

okay. i'm going to go look for cookies.

area codes are a bitch

don't give me your phone number when i've been drinking. unless you have pen and paper, hammer and a stone tablet, blood and papyrus - don't recite seven digits at me in rapid sucession and expect me to remember them. because it's not going to happen. since the wee hours of saturday morning, i've been trying to remember the combination of 4s, 7s, 9s that i'm pretty sure were given to me. but it's just not happening. so a few poor saps in both the 515 as well as the 641 area codes have gotten a few random text messages, none apparently received by my new "friend."

hmm... but no fear. my "friend's" cousin is a good friend of my little brother. the beauty of small towns, right?

i slept last night for about six hours. off and on. no advil pm (and never again), no ambien, just tired. watched a little tv, finished a really good book that turned really strange at the end and then just lied there until i fell asleep. i think i've figured out that zoloft won't let me sleep so i took it today at noon. and i was weird and jumpy and not hungry for a while. and now i feel okay. i don't know if that stuff is working. and the side effects aren't good if you read about them (but the side effects for anything aren't good if you read about them.) but again, anxiousness is decreasing and calmness is generally on the rise, so i'll take it for now.

crying comes in small fits. and then it goes away. sometimes i can tell that its coming and sometimes it comes out of the blue. i worked yesterday and actually ended up working late because of a deal that happened at closing time. it was a younger couple with a baby boy. a beautiful, happy, smiling, amazing baby boy. and while i printed (and then reprinted) their paperwork, it took every ounce of everything i had not to scream at them that they had so much nerve, that they had no idea what i'd just been through and i would very much appreciate it if they would take their baby and their after-hours business elsewhere. but i didn't. instead, after they left, i just cried. because i didn't know what else to do. and that baby broke my heart because i won't have one like him.

just a couple days til i leave. i'm so excited. i can't wait to get away from here. i need some new scenery, some new people, some new stories. libbeth wants to know what i eat so she can buy snacks. i can't think of anything i eat on a regular basis. cheese? water? i don't eat anything out of the ordinary, probly a lot of junk food. i should stop that. libbeth, put me on a diet. rations. spaceman dehydrated meals. and tang.

assuming the roads are passable and she can get away from work, mom and are going to the big city tomorrow. i need to find a suitcase at my apartment and get some clothes from my closet. i also have to show her how to feed my fish as she and mark will be fluffy's caretakers while i am away. its not hard but i like to make it complicated. i've been checking my flights and my seats and wondering what i should pack for 60-degree weather. and should i pack what nice clothes i do have that fit me in case of interviews? ugh. decisions. i may just take flip flops and tshirts and call it good, see what happens. if i can find my flip flops.

today is the daytona 500. all the televisions in the house have been commandeered to watch the race. and that's okay. because i need to be reminded of how little i know of this sport this year and how much it will sting when i'm at the bottom of the fantasy racing team i was asked to join. that's okay. in a few weeks, i'll start picking the absolute worst drivers as an attempt to start conversation and irritate fellow game players. and there, i just gave away my whole strategy. its the same way i play monopoly. i buy random properties and don't ever sell anything to anyone else playing, so no one else can get a monopoly and can't really win the game. i end up winning because people end up yelling and quitting until i'm the only one left at the table.

i'm awesome that way.

not itchy or scratchy but no flowers either

why can't they fix the spell check? i'm 28 years old and i just learned yesterday that there is no "D" in refrigerator. obviously, i need a spell check.

it's vd. but not of the itchy-variety (thanks, vt friend), its vd of the mushy, fluffy, flowers and cards and chocolates and diamonds variety. little do all those poor bastards know that all that crap goes on clearance tomorrow - flowers die, cards are purchased by girlfriends for girlfriends and chocolates do go straight to your hips. nope, i'm not bitter.

well, maybe a little. but telling me you considered buying me flowers and actually buying me flowers are NOT the same thing and you know it.

actually, today being vd didn't bother me much. and that's because i've been working all day. apply that term loosely, because i haven't really done much. but i've been out of the house and among people and until it got dark, my spirits were high. until flowers were delivered for someone else, i didn't give it much thought. but i have to tell you, i have a serious urge to pick all the petals off and stomp them into the carpet. i'm just not in the mood for romance. all y'all lovebirds can just suck it.

i guess i'm better off than i was a year ago, if you stop and think about it. a year ago i was getting slapped around by a big gay drama queen (and i do mean queen) in a shit hole of a bar in east dubuque. i spent the next evening at the police station. i don't miss that drama. i considered telling the ex-roommate happy birthday (his birthday is tomorrow) but i saw him on myspace and he looks like holy crizzap and while i think that all people deserve to be told happy birthday (especially me), even those that look like holy crizzap, i just don't want to get embroiled in the drama that goes along with telling him happy birthday. i guess you'd have to know him to know what i mean. so i'm going to avoid that whole scene and just keep my mouth shut. i don't need the brouhaha that goes along with that scene.

is shit hole one word or two?

just a few more days until i leave for charlotte. i can't even tell you how much i'm looking forward to that. i was talking to libbeth today about what we're going to do while i'm there. beyond the basics (lots of eating), i want to look for work and for a graduate program. uncc has a sports marketing and management program that sounds amazing - but highly selective. i'd love to look into that but i hate the idea of out-of-state tuition. libbeth asked what my plan was - the one that didn't involve ice cubes, a nine iron, or a buffalo (live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety's sake...) - and i guess it's just to figure it out as i go. i don't really know what i'm doing right now, although i feel like i'd do just about anything to get away from here right now. i've been advised not to make any life changing decisions but that's kind of hard when you've got nothing planned. i mean, the decisions i'm making right now are changing my life everyday and they're pretty small and insignificant - get out of bed or stay in? blue hoodie or blue fleece? i'd mockingly tell you that it's hard to be me but lately it kind of is. :(

i'm supposed to go out with nigel tomorrow night. feeling like i'm feeling right now i'm not really up to it. maybe tomorrow night will be different. my attitude towards drinking in the city of chariton has changed; it doesn't sound as entertaining as it used to. it's not necessarily the company - i love nigel and i love allison, but i just don't know if i'm ready for the public, you know? maybe i should just take it easy this weekend. why doesn't she want to go rollerskating like every other friday night?

i should have about 8 hours of csi: miami to watch, which is good because i'm probably going to need it. i'm feeling a little anxious; i've decided that this is the night i'm going to stop taking ambien to help me sleep. i'll probably be up all night watching david caruso deliver really cheesy one-liners and listening to the who scream about how they're won't get fooled again. i apparently missed like a whole season somewhere - frank is bald, ryan works for the other side and callie is wearing her hair down. wtf is going on in miami? i tried tivo-ing csi: miami and csi: new york at the same time last night but mom the tivo police caught me and made me choose. which was funny because she was asleep at the time that they would have recorded. but whatever. i can't watch lieutenant dan clean up crime in new york. not without his new legs. its just too weird.

i have an appointment with the therapist tomorrow morning. she's nice. i'll probably go get my mail and feed my fish too. my poor fish. did i tell you he lost his moustache? i bought that fish because he looked like hitler. and the idea of a fish that looked like hitler but named fluffy was just hilarious to me - in fact, just the idea of a fish named fluffy is still pretty freaking funny. but if you're a goldfish aficionado, you know that as goldfish age they sometimes change color. especially black spots on goldfish. so my orange goldie that once had a black moustache now looks as though he's shaved. and that cracks me up. but facial hair or no, he's probably hungry. so i'll go feed him tomorrow.

small time goals. but good to have something to do. i'm outta here. thanks for looking in on me. i'm doing okay; i'm still here. :)