desperation doesn't wear well...

being sick brings out the worst in people. it makes depressing people more depressed, it makes dramatic people more dramatic. if you happen to be a depressed dramatic sick person, chances are, you're just fucked. because you're sinking into a deep dark hole of theatrics that no powerade-cough-syrup-antibiotic-mixture will quickly bring you out of. and generally, that should leave you feeling sorry for those around you. except in my case, i live with another one of these people so we just feed off one another.

i guess the mature thing is that i can realize this? my baby steps have brought me to realization? i don't know if i should be proud of this accomplishment or hang my head in shame, not knowing how to overcome this level of patheticness that i come across when my fever surges above 101-degrees...

i think i tend to remember an alternate life in the house on the eternal return... blurring out the events that angered, saddened, upset me on a regular basis and looking for those that made my garden churn roses. it's interesting how the brain works, especially when you're sick, to make you think that you gave up the life of the marvelous when in fact it was humdrum at best.

i know i'm happier now. i can see it in myself. but every now and then i have fits of lugubriousness, seemingly brought on by things i'm unable to control, like this. i don't want my old life back, i really don't. i was a pretty miserable person. i like me, i like me now.

i'd like me better if i weren't sick, but hey, what do you do?

ugh. maybe it's just the medicine talking.

so the gran massa's condition is not improving either. together, we're quite a pair. the main difference between us at this point is that he's been issued a nebulizer and i have not. his nebulizer (that word just makes me laugh) sounds funny when in use... so when he closes the bedroom door to "nebulize" it makes me think of other things. and then of course god strikes me down with a gigantic coughing fit for thinking such ludicrous thoughts.

but if you should hear such a funny noise coming from behind my bedroom door, no worries, dearies. i'm just vibrulzing... oops, nebulizing, i'm sure of it. :D

i know that's just the medicine talking.