doing nothing feels good.

even though i know i have a crapload of things to be doing, i'm lying here, listening to the marching band practice, doing absolutely nothing and enjoying every second of it. you may ask, marching band? wtf are you talking about, marching band? ahhh, well, living where i now live, i'm privvy to all the marching band music i desire. and color guard practice. and foozball. it's an interesting change from the constant fireworks my old neighbors used to set off at all hours of the day fireworks in the daytime? yes. fireworks all the damn time, really. they were fucking idiots. and i'm not talking sparklers. these were wailing, screaming big ass fireworks. they especially seemed to love fireworks in the winter, i don't know why. but i'm off topic. right now, 0903, i'm listening to the drum line and i'm having serious band nerd flashbacks. where on earth was i going with this? i don't know. i do have a lot of things to be doing, but i know i have tomorrow off and i'm procrastinating. i'm soooo good at this.

libbeth had her baby. a beautiful baby girl, chloe. she's amazing. she's pretty stinking cute, too.

things that are currently on my mind...

1) my best good friend has been in contact with me, even though we're not supposed to be speaking, according to the higher-ups. this is the first that i've admitted that i've talked to him, i've been playing dumb (there's a joke here, i can feel it) at work and keeping quiet. he's well, he's lawyered up and rightfully so. i don't know if he'll come back to work - i don't know if i'd want to if i were the controversial one. i still worry about him. i hope he makes good choices.

b) i have this growth on my chin. i'm going to name it helga. hi, i'm superjanel and this is my pal, helga. helga is beginnging to piss me off. i may have to get some liquid nitrogen and freeze her ass off. boo.

iii) so. last night. on my way home. just toodling along, jabbering away at whomever will answer when i call. i'm thinking i need to go to the old house and get mail from the mailbox. except i decide against it. but when i look up, i'm on my way to the old house. i'm buzzing through carlizzle for shizzle and i'm not heading in the direction of my new home. it made me sort of sad. old habits die hard. so do bad ones.

D) dad and carolyn are back. living in the farmhouse. i saw that number come up on my caller id - that same phone number they've had for decades (well, not really decades, more like decade and three years) and it just looked weird. it's hard to imagine being happy in farm hell after living in paradise but it wasn't my decision to make. the part that would suck about a move like that is that you pack up your container with everything you own, put it on a ship and say sayanora until it arrives somehere on the west coast. long beach, san diego, seattle - you don't freaking know. it takes a month and a half to get yer stuff, and that would just bug the hell out of me. the funny thing about that is that you can track it's progress online, like fed ex or something. so like, day12: middle of the pacific ocean. day 17: middle of the pacific ocean. day 22: middle of the pacific ocean. i think i'd rather not know.

6) roomie or no roomie? that is the question. well, really, it boils down to money or no money and then the answer to the roommate question becomes perfectly clear. so far, money/no roomie. next month, it might be different.

b) miss nigel and i are out this weekend or i'm going to kung fu her. i have her word. she PROMISED. i need this weekend like a monkey needs toilet paper. i have no idea what that means.

i think that's it. i don't really have anything else to talk about. i wish they'd bring me my washer and dryer. i have dirty clothes, you bastards, don't you care?

well, here i am

it's nice. it's really nice. it's different but nice. it was good to get out of the house today and get on with things, i was beginning to doubt my decisions, my options, myself. but this feels right. it's weird, don't get me wrong, but it's not scary. i'm in a comfortable place right now. this is good.

it's the end of an era...

...and the beginning of everything else. last night. next post will come from another zip code, another home, another bedroom, another me. part of me is afraid - i'm afraid of feeling alone, not necessarily being along but feeling alone - does that make sense? we've been living in the same house for a long time and living apart, but there's still the sense of a warm body in the house. that's the feeling that i'm afraid of missing - the presence. a conversation if i wanted it. a little consideration. but not anymore. don't get me wrong, this is a good thing and it is a good change. but it's still hard. but it's right. i can feel it.

my legs hurt.

whomever made the decision to live on the third floor was an idiot. it's 32 steps from bottom to top, and i made that trip 53 times today. 53 x 32= 1696. 1696 steps. it's 1860 steps to the top of the empire state building. if i were climbing stairs in the empire state building, i'd be on like the 70th floor. my freaking legs hurt.

and for my last meal, i'd like...

i'm moving out. this is such a process. i hate it. i get to look at all the things we bought together, the things that made us laugh, made us happy. now it's just stuff and someone has to take it. all the pictures have to be boxed up and put away. the flowers, the memories - there's just so much "us" stuff it's awful. i've been with eddy for nearly seven years. and to think this has all come apart in under six months? what happened? sometimes i don't think i know. could it have been fixed? maybe. but we would have to want to fix it and neither of us want to admit that we're the reason it's broken. we're alike in the fact that we're stubborn to a fault - neither of us will admit guilt even when there's something obviously wrong and we're obviously the reason.

you know, last week i broke down. i got scared. i don't know how to be alone, i've never really tried. i've never had to try. i don't know if i'm good at it or bad at it but i've never really had the opportunity so this ought to be interesting. i was beginning to say that i broke down, got scared, and considered trying to make things work. we talked and it was decided that any fix would only be temporary, like using scotch tape to fix a leaking dam. (is this a god dam?) it hurt to hear that verbalized, admitting failure is never easy.

so. here i am in my partially empty house. i just got back from signing the papers that make it belong to someone else. it's not mine anymore. none of this is mine. being here makes me sad, makes me want the things that should have been but never were and will never be. maybe i'll sleep in my new home tonight. it's not as depressing over there.

i certainly don't lack for things to do. i have an entire house to unpack in my new home and i need to figure out what i'm keeping and what i'm selling. i'm going to ebay a lot of my junk away. i don't need so many things and right now i have so much crap i can't have a roommate, she'd get lost in the maze of boxes. i don't really have room for the furniture i am taking - the desk, the table - i don't have a place to put them. i hate moving. have i mentioned that before?

just when you think things can't get any worse...

...you end up with friends like mine and then things get fucking impossible. it's not like i don't have enough to worry about with my own life but now i have the pleasure of knowledge i don't want to have. i have been given a "gift", if you will, of information about a person i know, a person that means a lot to me - and i want to return this gift for store credit. i was better off living in my own small delusional world where everyone was honest and credible and trustworthy, because the more i know about the situation, the more duped i feel. i feel like an incredible bonehead for not recognizing what was going on around me. and the texas ranger, whom i love dearly, indicated that withholding such information was for my own good, but today of all days is when the proverbial poo hit the proverbial fan and it just isn't meshing well with everything else going on inside my head today. i swore once before that the first time was the last time with this type of situation and while i hate to lose a friendship, the basis of said friendship is becoming unclear. if these allegations are in fact true, what else has been lies? what really do i know about this friend? and what if they're not true and i feel this way. this isn't going to end well, and i'm not just fearful for me.

other things...

today, i gave away my dog. i'm not a good dog parent - i'm not as patient as i should be and i'm not home enough to provide a dog with what he needs. but it still really hurt to give away my dog this morning. and it's not like i gave him to a complete stranger; i gave him to my grandma. he couldn't be in a better place, she's thrilled to have him and he's happy already. but the act of packing up his little dog toys and bed and dishes just about made me sick this morning. lately, i've been giving away or giving up a lot of things i care about, things that represented a happier time in my life. it's an awful, awful feeling. i don't want to do it anymore.

my nose ring is out. i blew my nose today, because i'm nothing but a giant emotional train wreck right now (and yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that and...) and i blew the damn thing right out. i didn't know that was possible but i guess it is. i tried to put it back in but that sucker healed up like instantaneously. so it's done. which is too bad, i liked it. i'll go get it redone someday when i'm not so freakin' emotional. and when i don't have a cold.

tomorrow, i go get my keys to my new place. i'm exicted. in spite of the crap going on here at this house, i'm leaving. i'm getting out. i'm blowing this pop stand. being here is not good for me. it's not good for anybody. the sooner the better. good riddance.

my little brother lived in the hood.

it's no wonder he got robbed. i was at his place today. his old place. and his new place, actually. the old place was like something out of a bad scary movie. the smell was awful. the air kind of stuck to you - the kind that makes you feel really dirty and want a shower...immediately. i didn't go all the way inside, just inside the front door. that was far enough. but, having seen that, it makes his new place look like a palace.

speaking of new. my new place has a vaulted ceiling in the living room, which will be nice and large and empty. since i don't have a sofa. grrr...

i'm still ill

but not in the same way. my stomach is eating itself. i think i have an ulcer. i'm not good with stress. i have a million things to be doing and he wants to argue over the sofa. grrr... we already talked about this. i get the sofa. me. me. me. not him. that's my sofa, it's my dent. he already forfeited the entertainment center and the dining room table (which i didn't really want but don't want to give away) and the new telly and the bar stools (which are going to be too short, i'm sure) and and and.... but now he's laying claim on my sofa and i'm upset. boo.

i think my cold is almost better. ua sherri swears by these cough drop looking things, cold-eeze, and they taste like ass but they really work because i'm feeling way better. they're supposed to taste like strawberries and cream but they don't, because they taste like ass. i'm not really sure what that tastes like - i doubt it's strawberries and cream but this is really bad.

today, i did nothing but eat ice cream mistakes at the ice cream store. that is such a comforting thing. it's warm and comfy and mark's there and that makes me happy. mark is comforting in that he knows what's going on but never discusses it unless i bring it up. instead we can talk about nothing and he can be his weird self and i like that. he is such an incredible person - moving jorge tomorrow and me next weekend, putting up with our constant drama and needs. he never complains, just helps out when he can. and if i do bring something up for discussion with him, he's got an interesting point of view. plus, mom was there today, and i can always count on mom to be on my side even when i'm stupid. i'm a lucky girl.

i have a new layout for my blog. sometimes change is good. i just have to do it in baby steps.

i'm not homeless anymore!

i have a place to live. it's sort of a step back in time, i'm going to have flashbacks, but it's a move nonetheless... i may even have a roommate, i'm not sure. i'll know more next weekend. AND i got boxes and i'm packing stuff. i have a ton of stuff. i need a ton of boxes. if anyone knows where to get boxes, let me know. :D yay for me! yay for school!

my baby got a haircut

he's got to impress gram, he's going to interview with her in the next few days. if all goes well and he doesn't bark her face off, that's where my sweet pookie will be going to live, maybe permanently, maybe not. i just hope she doesn't change his name. :( so today, in the midst of my illness, my severe, life-threatening illness, i dragged my sick ass out of bed to take the pookie to the groomer. and then a few hours later, i dragged my sick ass out of bed again to get the pookie from the groomer. but he doesn't look like a puppy anymore, he looks like a dog. a little dog, mind you, but a dog. i'm heartbroken. i like him all shaggy and longhaired and puppy looking and now he looks all respectable and dog-like. boo... he thinks he's pretty cool though, and that's funny. he trots around, shaking his tail, prolly just happy he can see cuz his hair was hanging in his eyes pretty bad. he's tiny! without all that hair he's actually pretty small... but i still like him all shaggy.

i'm sick. and dying. i stayed home today because i couldn't fathom getting out of bed. i can't sleep. i'm really, really crabby...

but the office is on tonight. yay for jim and pam!!! i've been waiting months to see this...

i do not regret the things i have done...

...but those i did not do. and at least i can say that in this relationship, this failed, pathetic relationship, i tried. i tried to fix things, i tried to apologize, i tried to make things better. the path to hell is paved with good intentions, and i have set each and every brick in that path. i'm remorseful beyond belief; i wonder if i haven't made a mistake that i'll ponder for many days. but the feeling is not mutual and i have to lie in this bed that i've made.

i'm feeling ill. no, really, i'm ill. i've got the cold from hell and i wonder if my illness has gone to my brain. i wonder if it's making me long for the old days, when someone cared if i was sick or well, dead or alive. *sigh*

so. for the first time in a long time, almost 9 years (nine times... grace!!!) i'm going to be gracing my childhood residence with my presence...i think. i'm not happy about this, but once again, mum is right. the commute will kill me, but the prospect of free housing at this point is appealing. i don't know. if i get up early enough, there's an apartment i want to go see. but not so bad, obviously, if i have to decide whether or not to get up early enough... sad. i'm sort of in denial about this whole thing. i've only packed one box. this is funny. i've only packed one box, and it's full of national geographic magazines. how bizaare is that? i know that's not the only thing i want to take with me, it's the only thing i can bear to put in a box right now. strange, huh?

saturday is heavy drinking night. i'm taking on the city of chariton once again. which reminds me, i need to pay my parking ticket. still. i know. monday. if i can swap my shifts on monday, i may go to iowa city to see bad fathers and gym class heroes. i dunno. i have a lot to do... but anna banana wants to go and i want to go and and and... grrr... boo for work, yay for money

ord. i'm happy that didn't pan out. for a couple of reasons. i think i'm jumping into something bigger than i am, something that i'm not ready for. and i don't need any more bad decisions, i have plenty of those right here, right now. plus, i think my potential roommate would have been a little flighty and i fear the idea of being left alone in a new city, a huge new city, not knowing anyone. maybe next time...

nyc: day two (so i'm a little behind)

amazing.

nyc: day one

omg. i love nyc. grand central station. swatch. flight club. empire state builing. the ed sullivan theatre. times square. my feet hurt. but i don't care. :D

booo...

back to being secret. at least for the time being.

three things not to do on a thursday night:

1) raspberry kamikaze shots. or raspberry kamikazes, for that matter. this makes friday morning really difficult.
2) drink milk from a flashing glass at perkins. especially after raspberry kamikazes.
3) stay at meekin's house. they have the most impossible stairs that i can't seem to walk up or down without injuring myself.
4) allow catherine to set me up with random bartenders. this really shouldn't happen any day of the week, but particularly on thursdays.
5) text message sleeping friends after 0300. that's just rude all around.

okay, so that's not three things. but the important thing is that i've learned my lesson, right? right. but i don't think they'll ever take me back to perkins. hell, perkins may never let me back in.... oh dear. where will i get my pancakes???

want to hear a joke? what did the zero say to the eight?

nice belt.

omg, that cracks me up.

i need a nap. and a shower. and some advil. omg, where's the advil?

ps - tomorrow is leave for new york day... oh, johnny damon, how i love you!

i don't fear change; change fears me

iah was stupid. the training was stupid. not at all useful. incredibly stupid. the teacher was stupid. the material was stupid. i think continental and express jet and their airplanes and training center and classes are all *stupid*. grrr... however. that being said, i had a great time looking for liquor stores, eating sushi, drinking mai tais, watching my roomie fall in a ditch on the side of the highway and then take a shower outside the long john silvers, eating cinnamon rolls, and making fun of old people from ict. so the trip wasn't entirely wasted. but i could have done most of that at home and not missed my pillow and my dog. :(

i got home yesterday, to a more uncertain reality than when i left. things are happening and i want to know why. without being specific, because i don't really care if you don't understand, sweet reader, here is what befuddles me... a friend has accepted a job in ord. friend and i discussed my taking over of his lease and my moving into his place when he vacates. i thought that was as far as it was going. however, friend gave my name to the hr rep in ord, as someone who might be interested in a couple positions open in ord. friend even applied for a job for me - i did give him the tools to do so, i just never thought he'd really follow through on it. he did. and the hr rep called and she's going to call back today with interview information and i might go up there next week. holy hell. ord? me? what is this?

my doubts lie in this one question: does friend have my best interests at heart or is he just afraid of life in ord? he says, everyone says, that it would do me well to start over in a new city, new job, new home, new friends. but i'm afraid. i'm honest to god scared about the whole thing. i'm comfortable here, i know where i stand, i know what's going on. what if i fail? what if i can't make it? what if, what if, what if? i'm terrified of coming home with my tail between my legs, a big red scarlet letter emblazoned on my chest, defeated and alone and pathetic... that's why i have this giant knot in my stomach.

well, that, and deep down, it's exciting. new city, new job, new home, new friends, new life, new me... deep down, i like this idea. i do think it could be good for me. i just don't want to make any rush judgements, i don't need the sort of heartache a bad move can bring for me right now. i don't know. i really don't know. if it's true that everything happens for a reason, that this is part of someone's master plan for me, i'd sure like to know what it is. i'd like to see the light at the end of the tunnel before i hop on this train. but i don't think it works that way. so here i sit, all sorts of jacked up - nervous in my own skin. and for what?

so. i'm waiting for the phone to ring, and not for the usual reasons. hr lady said she would call. i've got phone calls in on a couple of apartments. not that i wouldn't take a phone call for the usual reasons, he's been calling everyday. OH! speaking of everyday, nigel's freaky ass brother won't stop texting me... grrr... i'm not even replying and yet he keeps trying... booo!

ok. off to shower. i'm closing tonight, really looking forward to that... no, really. i heart bmas. it makes me happy. :D

free drinks for all!

yay us! oversleeping was a wonderful thing. i didn't have to leave until 1000, and there were free shots of bailey's caramel creme in terminal d in dfw. i did mine, and then i did another, and then i finished meekin's... yahoo! plus, rodney upgraded us on the way to iah and i had a wonderful bloody mary. :D this may not be such a bad trip afterall...

what a dork.

i watched dane cook until 0200 this morning. i could watch dane cook everyday, all day, i think. but watching until 0200 was not a good idea, as i overslept really, really bad this morning. now i'm not going to iah at the ass crack of dawn, i'm going later in the day. which is okay, really, because i didn't want to be there so early anyway. but now, i'm ready to go and i don't have to leave for another hour and i can't go back to sleep because i've already been jarred awake, freaking out, because i was late. maybe i'll sleep on the plane. and maybe i won't, but at least i'm getting there today and i'm not in trouble. i don't need trouble, at least not until my freaking nose heals. speaking of, it really hurts this morning. i feel as though i've been violated and really, i'm okay with that. bb can violate my nose anytime he wants. i wondered at first if anna banana was cracked out, but she was right - he's beautiful. oh wait, i can say hot. bob r. is not around.... lol...

okay. so. i made my phone call last night. and i got voicemail. i didn't think i'd get a call back, but i did. infact, i got two of them. he cracks me up. friday. we're going out on friday. and then he called just to say good night. omg, i am such a sucker. but it was nice to hear... i'm still lacking two words, but it was nice to hear. this is so stupid, but fun. anyway, we'll see... :D

i'm in a panic! and my nose really hurts :(

anna and are i going to see panic! in november. but i forgot to buy my ticket today and i was even in dsm... grrr! and it's been several hours since my nose was raped and it still really hurts. booo...

i decided to stay home tonight, since i have to be up at the ass crack of dawn. no really. i have to be up and at work by 630 tomorrow morning. wtf? everybody else got to leave at a decent time but meekin and i have to leave at the crack of dawn. it's an evil conspiracy, i know it is... but at least we only have to spend four days, as opposed to 6 days in iah. aaah, well. it's just that many hours i don't have to spend at home, not saying anthing. actually, this morning, we spoke. for like the first time in a long time. it wasn't that awful, just sad. i'll be vacating the house with some stuff, anyway, some that i want and some that i don't. i should start selling it on ebay, just to get rid of it all. does anyone want a giant maple dining room table? yeah, not going to have room for that one. how about maple barstools? a treadmill? a set of three maple living room tables? boo. that stuff's going to be hard to sell on ebay, shipping would be a bitch. plus, i have to pay my ebay fees before i can sell again. i don't think i've paid them for a while. lol...

brently invited me out with he and one of his friends. i should have gone, it would have been good for me to get out of the house. but i'm a little sleepy. and preoccupied. it was sweet, he's worried about me. i'm okay. really. i'm just homeless, that's all. :D


i got pulled over the other night. bastard pville cops, anyway. i've chatted with this one on several occasions, he's friendly enough. i think he gets bored late at night and knows that i'll attempt to talk my way out of a ticket. i think he pulls me over for entertainment. i got a warning. for 79 in a 65. i'd like to see you try that.... hehehehehehe....

only days 'til yankee day. i'm so excited i could pee. i don't think i will, but i could. hotel? check. tickets? check. transportation? check. new swatch? pending. fight club? pending. roberto and i will have such fun. it's going to be swell. pictures to come...

i have things i need to be doing. like going to bed. but i still haven't finished packing and i don't know what i'm wearing in the morning. and i was planning on making a phone call tonight. i think i'm going to try to make plans for next week - thursday or friday. oh hell. thursday is bowling/drinking night. hmmm. i guess it will have to be friday. take it or leave it, blue eyes... here we go. divide and conquer.

how come everytime you come around...

grrr...it's pouring right now. this is excellent napping weather. and reading weather. and snuggling weather. but i'm not partaking in any of these activities. nope, for me, this is fantastic my-fucking-nose-is-throbbing weather. boo... my nose hurts. :( i had to go back and have beautiful biff bend my stud a little more, it was flush with my nose and it hurt a little. **he had to take it out of my nose!** i now know that i will never be able to remove this thing alone, i will always require help. i'm going to have this thing until i die, because it hurts too much to take the fucker out... but it does look cute... :D

this is a good thing...right?

SOLD.

today, my house is no longer my house. today, my house belongs to someone else. tonight, i'm sleeping in someone else's bedroom. i'm showering in someone else's shower, eating in someone else's kitchen. using their dishwasher, their garage, putting my clothes in their closet. today, my house is no longer my home. it's a place i transit. it's a place i go to change my clothes and wash my face. i'm sad. i admit it. i love this house. i love the idea behind this house. i just hate the way it makes me feel, the guilt it induces. living here is like being in jail, emotionally binding and constricting. this is a good thing. this is a very good thing...right?

right.

it's amazing how much one person can affect your mood. tonight, i got about four phone calls from blue eyes. and that made my night. he's cute. he tells me when he's going to call. the kid thing is interesting; he has two daughters, ages 7 and 9. i talked to the elder of the two - she's sweet. i heard him talking to his girls; he sounds like a good father. i like him. and i don't know why. maybe because there's no past, no hangups, just normalcy. what a change...

i did it. i got my nose pierced. it's adorable, i love it. anna banana and i went to see beautiful biff and he did it. he got me talking and before i knew it there was a needle hanging out of my nose. i was a little shocked at the way he went about it, i didn't even know it was coming, it was just there. and then it was done. anna b got her ear sticky-outy thing pierced, it's cute. i don't really know what the purpose of that is, the sticky-outy thing, other than to decorate it with metal hoops and rings... :D but it does look cute. but i could tell from her face that it hurt. a lot. so i'm going to leave that one alone for right now. my nose doesn't feel bad, it sort of tickles. i went to blow my nose this morning after a giant snot-producing cry, and it tickled so bad, i had to stop crying so i could laugh. i guess that's a good thing, i guess... i do really like it. and no one at work really noticed, so maybe i won't have to walk around with a bandaid on my face... yay me!

i went bowling with meekin and ernie and anna b and meekin's parents last night. i haven't been bowling in ages - at least 10 or 12 years, really. i'm perfectly awful. but it was fun. then i sat at ihop with the texas ranger and perty kersty for a couple hours.

see? this is why this house thing is a good thing: i hate coming home. i hate the "pending" conversations, the words that are never spoken, that uncomfortable feeling i get just being here. i don't want to be here. i want out. and i've gotten my wish, i have to be out by october 2. that's not that far away... what the fuck am i going to do???

i'm not in the mood to stress about this. i'm going to go watch mindless television and dream about hunky blue eyes... *sigh*

never mind the fact that i only have 24 days to find a place to live. and then move there. 24 days. that's 2,073,600 seconds. 34,560 minutes. 576 hours. and i'm going to spend at least the next 8 of them sleeping and dreaming of... well, that's for me to find out. gnite... *muah*

i can fuck up your shit if i want to...

so. things that are making me laugh today: first off, old people. second, people who think they know everything. third, anna's blonde joke (i'll try to pass this on later... i have to remember exactly how it goes....).

so. old people. mean old people make me laugh. i can't help it. there's nothing worse to me than an old person, and i do mean old, old, old, trying to be mean to me. i had a 400-year-old man call me a bitch at work today. and i swear, i wasn't even being mean. he said i was rude and called me a bitch. why? because i told him that the cart he was pulling out of my baggage cage was not for public use. and he said he'd bring it back in a little bit. and i said no. and he called me a rude bitch. the nerve... but it made me laugh. a lot.

next. people who think they know everthing. this one covers both personal and professional (ha!) life... at work, i enjoy people who tell me how to do my job. those people make me laugh. (this also somewhat ties in to old people... old people who tell me how to do my job make me giggle and that doesn't ususally help the situation any...) but, in my personal life, people who think they know everything crack me up.

(boy, this one's for you...) you've got it all figured out, don't you? got it all solved. and i bet you didn't do anything wrong. nothing at all. i can't imagine you admitting intention, so how did you blame this on me? how did you slime your way out of that hole? i'm glad you're all friends again, that's just special. SPECIAL. i get all warm and tingly just thinking about it... bleccch... but hey, it's your story, right? i'm really glad i trusted you. glad i believed you. because i didn't have enough stress in my life. one more person i can't count on - that's just what i needed. as far as nigel, you fucking know you ratted. a little upset someone might have some clout on you? that's just stooping a little low now, isn't it? but hey, whatever gets you through the night. but i'm over the whole thing. the entire thing.

finally, anna's blonde joke. i'm still working on the wording. in fact, i don't know what i can effectively *write* this joke, you really need to see the physical movements to enjoy this joke. so, i'm going to leave this one out. if you want to hear it, you need to ask me... trust me, it's enjoyable...

other new things going on in my life...

i'm getting a new piercing. a tiny little piercing. it's going to be so cute! just a tiny little sparkle, or a tiny little clear for work. if not, i'll look incredibly cute with a bandaid on my face. :D anna banana and i are going to get it done tomorrow night. i'm so excited. and then we're going to buy tickets to go see panic! in council bluffs. yay! sweet balls!

i think i may have a place to live. a friend is considering a move and leaving an apartment and a lease to be filled... it's a nice place, with a nice view, and i think i can afford it... i'll know more about this in a few days. in the mean time, i'm going to look at apartments (other than his) in the same building on friday morning. guess i'll see what comes up.

iah. i am so not excited about going, except that i'm looking forward to 40 hours of pay for 25 hours of work. and drinks by the poolside. me and meekin. this will be a good time. lol...

the new bid. i got exactly what i wanted. afternoons, with the ability to pick up both mornings and nights for those that i work for. so far, tuesday, wednesday, thursday off, but i'm sure i'll work like i do now. i'm thinking that i may try to go to clt the first weekend in october, because i know that zrh is out of the question. i haven't seen libbeth in a couple years, i'm itching to get down there and see the ferguson family. and the new addition. :)

nigel gets me in all sorts of trouble

what a bizaare weekend. i'm not even sure i know what's going on with all this... friday night, what did i do friday night? that seems so long ago. i know i didn't have to work late, but i think i did anyway. i think i stayed as moral support for the texas ranger and perty kersti, doing nothing but entertaining them and milking the time clock. (and it worked - i got paid for it!) i got to sleep in on saturday, which was nice, i haven't had real sleep, like sleep sleep in i don't know how long. and no vacuum to wake up to, so i didn't even wake up feeling violent and filled with rage... :D

saturday. i worked until 1900 and then called miss-t, who from this point on is going to be referred to as nigel, to make plans for later on that evening. saturday night. oh, my, saturday night... i met the most interesting person on saturday night, with the bluest eyes and and the nicest shoulders and a voice that makes me melt...*sigh*... ol' blue eyes is what he shall be called, which in itself is funny, but i'm not going to tell you why. so, me n' nigel head out, drinking on insufficient funds, but it turns out not to matter, as we met up with the only black man in town and he bought drinks for us after round one. in fact, i don't remember buying drinks after round one. after round i don't know how many, i begin to forget the exact string of events...

things really got interesting when the guy at the bar fell off his stool and then wrestled around on the floor with it before getting up and leaving. blue eyes made an introduction sometime during this period before we walked in the rain across the square and into the other place where things got really crazy. drinks turned blue, i hugged everybody in sight, i gave away my favorite bracelet to a girl named rochelle who was kissing this bridesmaid in a really cute red dress, someone stuck a dollar in my shirt, and i was making fun of some really strong-looking guy (moose?) who dumped a drink on his own shirt, freaking slob. and then there was blue eyes... oh my, blue eyes...*sigh*... you know the thing is, i don't generally fall for blue eyes, but this one was different. i don't know why. OMG. that was fun... the best part, well, at least the funniest, not necessarily the best, was the puddle outside. i'm bruised, he's bleeding and not a one of us cared. lol... he bled all over nigel's car on our way to his house and i know we were grossing bob out real bad. and i know that this is never going to go anywhere or amount to anything, but boy, this was neat fun. so much fun, in fact, we had breakfast on sunday and he asked permission to call me. teehee...isn't that cute? i told him due to his age i would have to think about it, i just didn't know if i could see him again... and then i called him to tell him it would be okay if he called me. i could talk to him all day, everyday... that voice makes me hot, omg...all low and gravely, incredible, and when he says my name, omg... *sigh*...

sunday. work. late. all night. talked about going out but went home instead, i was pooped. didn't sleep well the night before and needed to get caught up. today. overslept this morning, almost didn't make it to work on time. pouring rain. blecch. got to leave work early, yay annette! family dinner, good fun, haven't been to my mom's house in months. gorgeous day. and i came home and took a nap. i took a four hour nap and woke up to a text message. from nigel's brother. a freaking scary message, in fact a series of scary messages. wow. that was bizaare. in fact, its still fucking bizaare, he won't leave me alone... hmmm...

so now, i'm watching dane cook. this guy is freaking hysterical, you big fat fatty...

four hour nap. not tired anymore. got to find something to do.

oh. so that one thing that happened last week, that one thing that sort of blew up in my face and caused things to get real quiet around here? yeah, still no resolution there. don't quite know what to do about it. parties involved are not speaking of it, in fact, parties involved are not speaking to me. maybe that's okay... the whole thing was kind of stressing me out. the thing is, i think one party involved is retaliating against nigel by opening his big mouth to people who don't need to know... cluck cluck cluck... that's one way to put the kabosh on a friendship...

next week i have to go to iah. for a whole freaking week. yuck. it's going to be hot and sticky and yucky. i don't wanna go! but. when i get back from iah, we're off to nyc for a weekend of adventure. :) and baseball. don't forget the baseball. yay me!

it's prolly not going to end well

... but it could be fun. gorgeous blue eyes, incredible shoulders and that voice... hmmm... ;-) "nigel", you are soooo bad for me. and my hand hurts. but so totally worth it.

playful but untrainable...

today the pookie and i had to take an early morning hiatus from the house. the house, it seems, is no longer run by us - all decisions are made by the realty company. great. grand. wonderful. just sell the fucker and let me out... but. (there's always a but...) this wasn't a quickie 15-minute showing as i was promised. they were here for over an hour - almost an hour and a half. how rude. for all that, at the very least they could have left me money on the nightstand or something... hehehehehe... :D they looked like bajiggity old farts, i don't see this house as being appropriate for bajggity old farts, but money is money is money, and as long as the check cashes, whatever... bajiggity old money spends too...

anyway. the point of this rant was that the pookie and i had to go on an early morning hiatus. so. what better way to introduce a dog, an already unhappy car-bound dog, to a leash and collar? i stopped at the park (i can't remember the name - the one north of the post office in kville) and let the pookie out of the car, with his leash and collar on. he freaked out. the collar is one thing. i think we can learn to deal with the collar. the leash is another thing entirely. he's not okay with the leash. i look as though i'm dragging around an epileptic cotton ball - and one that's in pain, at that. (he really wasn't in pain, but he truly thought he was dying. so he made that sound - you know that sound when you hold an aardvark under water? yeah, it was close to that, but a little more high pitched. i really don't know what that sounds like and i'd never hold an aardvark underwater, aardvarks could prolly beat me down and today i'm too tired to fight back.) anyway. our first walk was a short one; it lasted about 1.7 minutes and he let me know that he'd had enough of that. he bit the hell out of my foot and chipped my toenail polish. we'll work on leash training another day.

and now... now it's time to prepare for work. back to work after just 3 hours of sleep. i swear to god, if i wake up to the vacuum again. i'm going to hurt someone. someone with the initials fat eddy. grrr....

p.s. anyone want to buy a house in kville? sweet balls. click here...

all apologies...

let me preface by saying that this isn't the way i wanted this to turn out. this is so far from the way i wanted things to play out - if the way i wanted things to play out were earth, the way they've turned out is pluto. except pluto isn't a planet. have they named the three new planets? this is turning out like the third one, furthest away... understand that i didn't leave this out in the open for discovery. i understand the meaning of el segreto - i understand severità della situazione. sono danneggiato che non lo credete. capisco perchè siete rovesciati, ma state andando soltanto più ulteriormente confondere la situazione denominandolo. non sta andando aiutare. sta andando soltanto rendere le cose più difettose. sta andando soltanto rendere le cose più difettose per me. e per voi. mi preoccupo per voi. ma penso che bamboozled. desidero soltanto che potreste vedere quello. sono qui se ancora lo desiderate. i don't know if you ever will...

comments on your perspective...

it's come to my attention that there are concerned parties that are afraid that i'm not taking my life too seriously at the moment. that i'm looking for the bandaid and not the cure. that i'm not being responsible in making decisions that will effect my immediate future. concerned persons that believe i'm filling the gaps in my life with insignificant material items when i don't really have the means to do so.... hmmm... and i was afraid that people don't pay attention to what i do or say...

well. rebuttal is in order. sort of. you commented on my baseball game. it's a a baseball game to end all baseball games. what can i possibly compare this to? this is *my* nationals - this is red sox vs. yankees. this is yankee stadium. the chances of me actually selling an organ are few and far between, but if i thought i'd ever get to stand on the grass at yankee stadium, i'd carve out a kidney in a heartbeat to stand where the babe once stood. to stand where the biggest baseball rivalry exists. to be at yankee staduim - it's a lifelong dream for me. and regardless of what's going on in my life - i need to do this. i want to do this. you can't make me feel bad for doing this.

now. for all the other trips i have *planned*...well, nothing is set in stone. i'm fully aware that i'm going to have to work 14-hour days for the next 17 months in order to support myself and my habits and and and and... and switzerland doesn't fit well into those plans. however, if the chance does arise and things work out, i'm going to go. just like charlotte and los angeles and maui. this is why i have this job. this is why i do what i do. i get to see people i love and places i love and new things and new experiences... as for all the other small material things i'm engrossing myself in... if i don't focus on something other than subject matter at hand, i'm going to go crazy. sometimes, i have to let my mind wander, away from the bedroom that i shut myself in when i get home at night. away from the situation that i have created. i'm fully aware that i'm the reason that this is happening - i'm the catalyst here. but you have to allow me some sort of release. and if that's a swatch watch or a jello shot or a cell phone - trust me, what's happening on the home front is always first and foremost on my mind. i'm just trying to push it a little further back, just for a second, just to make it stop hurting for a minute.

but see, if you knew me at all, you wouldn't take my wants and material desires at face value. you'd know that it's an act. i'm tyring to act like *me*, the me that people expect me to be, when really, all i want to do is sit at home and make lists of things i need to do. you think i'm not stressed out about this whole thing? if you knew me at all, you'd know that this indecision is killing me. you'd know that this lack of information is absolutely stifling. i'm drowning in a lack of knowledge - if you knew me at all, you'd know that this is one of my all-time, biggest-ever, pet peeves - a lack of control. i have no control right now. and that is freaking me out beyond belief. but instead of putting that out there for all to see, i'm pretending it doesn't bother me. if you knew me at all, you'd see right through that. but you don't...

you know, i know what the cure is. but certain situations won't allow me to make the changes necessary to move along with life. i'm stuck in a tape delay, i'm stuck in this moment. my life is currently in a ground stop - air traffic control. i realize that there are changes that need to be made and decisions to be decided - but until the housing situation changes, this is where i am. i'm not making excuses. it is what it is. it's not ideal, it's not what i want. but until something changes, this is the way it has to be.

finally, as far as awaiting your sympathy, i'm not. i don't want you to feel sorry for me. i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. i just want to stop being blamed for not trying. i want people to stop blaming me for their not being able to understand. i don't care if they don't understand, it's not their place and they don't have to. i just want to be able to trust people. i want to know who my friends are. i want you (collectively, not necessarily personally) to know that i have come to my senses, and that's why i've made this decision.

you have no idea how much i appreciate your opinion. which is a good thing, i don't think i can stop you from giving them at this point. you often have an interesting perspective, and i'm beginning to believe you do know more than you like to let on about this and other things. some day we can talk about that. for now, it's well past my bed time and you made me miss round two of harold and kumar. i forgive you. good night, farewell, sweet dreams.

love,
superjanel

sweet balls!

job applied for. feels weird. disloyal. not that i want to do what i'm doing forever, but feels odd to consider a change. such a big change. i need to email rrrruben and let him know. i wonder if g.m. will put the kabash on the whole thing, or if she'll say anything at all. hmmm...

what a strange, wonderful day. i didn't do anything today but lie in bed and watch reruns of movies i adore. what did i watch? i watched steve zissou, wedding crashers, harold and kumar go to white castle, the interpreter, harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban, and the waterboy. scored some preseason football and made ziti. played with the dog, left the phone off the hook and turned my cell phone OFF. it was a great day. completely unplugged except for that nasty myspace addiction i harbor. but wtf? that's not hurting anything. i didn't shower until well past dinner time, and dinner was about 4 hours late. i love days like today. it was rainy and gloomy and there was nothing better to do. perfect day.

my stepdad is ill, neurologically ill, and they don't know what's wrong with him. they [they being a team of neurologists] think that perhaps its some sort of palsy, but as of yet it can't be pinned down to something specific and name-able. that's a tad bit frightening. more tests to come this week and another appointment with another neurologist. my poor momma. :( she's just a giant ball of stress and i'm not any help. she worries obsessively about me and the decisions i make. i wish sometimes she didn't, but secretly i'm glad she does. sometimes i think she's the only one that cares.

ramblings: going to have to make a trip to cville sometime this week. have to take the puter in for major reconstructive surgery. pos is freezing up at random times and just pissing me off. if it weren't so stinking cute i'd toss it outside along with that pos dvd player in the living room... grrr.... that and it's time for new virus software and douglas said that he has an alternative to the system i've been using. and it's free. i heart things that are free. if it's free it's for me... tee hee.... while the texas ranger got her eyebrows waxed, i bought perfume last night. for me. i generally hate perfume, but this is amazing. from the body shop (where else? that's where i need to get a job, as much as i spend...), called amorito. it's jasmine and vanilla and omg, it's just the bestest. and it doesn't give me a headache like every other perfume i've ever tried to wear....when i turn 30, i want people to leave me alone. if someone throws me a birfday party similar to the one tossed for rodney last night, i will be upset. granted, i'll already be upset because i'll be thirty and doesn't life end at 32 or 33??? i can't remember. but i only have three and a half more years to live and then it's all downhill after that... OMG! harold and kumar is on again!!! this is the stupidist movie, yet i find i'm oddly drawn to it, time and time again. and i thought i had nothing better to do than go to sleep... hehehehe...

things that make me laugh...

i'm in a lovely mood today. i didn't get home until dawn after sitting at ihop for hours with the girls. pancakes are a wonderful antidote to heavily poured lemonade and vodka drinks and lime green jello shots... i could never be a bartender. i'm far too generous... rodney's party was fun, it was *interesting* to see work people away from work. cindy looks fab in something other than blue and i miss rose so much i could cry, except i really don't want her to come back because she'd take my locker away on the basis of seniority and i'd have to go back to putting my gorgeous coach bag next to the confiscated dangerous goods.

so. this is the first day off i've had in i don't know how long - prolly since i got back from ogg. and i'm going to spend it thinking about work. i'm going to apply for another job - a job at hdq in tariff. i've wanted to work in tariff ever since i learned what tariff was and that it existed. i should prolly email ruben and let him know i'm putting in for it. he said that he and maria would put in a good word for me if i ever decided i wanted to make the switch. i hear that the interview process is a grueling one - multiple interviewers to multiple interviewees over a long period of time. but we'll see. i love my job, but it gets more and more intriguing every day... :D a change might be good. so today i'll complete my online resume and click the submit button and see what happens.

anyway. things that make me laugh. there are a lot of them today, because i'm in a marvelous mood. the main thing that i'm laughing about is the interaction between f.e. and boy. that makes me laugh. one thing that f.e. and i can still talk about is the races, and this inevitably brings up the topic of boy, which i find hilarious, because f.e. has no idea really what he's stirring up. f.e. says to me this morning something to the effect of "[boy] gave me the dirtiest look last night and i was just giving him shit about [blah blah blah - insert some racing related crap here]. he just sped away on his little golf cart and took orders from the godfather and over all just looked like a fucking moron." i was all, hmmm, how weird, but on the inside i was just giggling because this is funny stuff.

what else makes me laugh? macaroni and cheese and pork and beans. jimmy's ling-ling impression. XYZ. professor dickhead. people who stand at kiosks in the center of the mall and try to sell crap. peppermints. bikers who want to take me out in the middle of the desert and shoot me. drinking and dialing. 99-cent target shoes that i can't walk in. parallel parking. driving home at 36 miles per hour, thinking that i'm driving insanely fast. oh for the love. that cracks me up...

what else? in three weeks, i'll be in nyc. that's sweet balls (thanks, anna banana!). i'm very much looking forward to that. than in october, i'm still planning on going to switzerland, how and when i'm not sure, but would still like to go. in november, donella texas ranger and i are talking about going to lax and december takes me back to ogg with ernie and megan and anyone else who would like to go. but somewhere in the middle of all of that, i want to go to clt and see libbeth and baby donna/chloe/adelaide, who is not due to make an appearance until 05oct but may arrive earlier. in november, i'll have been at my job for one whole year. a whole year! yay me! i've never held a job for a whole year, unless you count mccroskey's, and that doesn't really count because it's family and not really a real job... hehehehe...

my toes! my toes!

...i love my feet right after a pedicure. and there is no better feeling than a pedicure after 13 hours of baggage-toting-traveling-arsefaces. i so earned it. :) the sweet little ling-ling that does it hardly says a word, she just makes my feet feel better. i actually don't have attractive feet, as you can see, they're really bony and my toes bend in all sorts of unnatural ways. fun fact you may or may not have known about the superjanel: i have double jointed big toes. they bend and pop in all sorts of weird ways. and they make weird noises. :D

on the house selling front: the appraiser was here today. apparently the house has increased in value since the last time it was appraised. this is a good thing. superjanel likes things that appreciate in value. i think f.e. said monday is the day we meet with the realtors to officially set up the listing. yay! i wonder how long it takes to sell a house. does it take a long time? do you know? if you know, you should answer me. i'm new to this.

shake n' bake, baby

for future reference, fear anyone who starts a conversation with these words: "remember me?" ahhh yes. my random encounter has resurfaced. i think i was debating as to which scenario would be worse: not recognizing random encounter and having to be reminded or recognizing and remembering random encounter. as it turns out, it was a little of both. because random encounter encountered me. at. work. AT WORK. nice, eh? as it turns out, his name is patrick. not john as he would have led me to believe. and he's a little more close to home than i would have imagined (and/or appreciated). and he did his homework on me. he surprised me with a handful of facts not known to the average superiorjanel fan, at least not one spawned in just a few hours time. he remembered me all too well - so apparently i made quite an impression on him. as well i should have, given the circumstances. hehehehe... :D

so today, this dude comes out to the house to take video for the virtual tour that the realty company will use in its online ads. it's a little strange to think that my house and my belongings can soon be seen online. i hope you can't see my dust. i even had to pick up the laundry in the bathroom. i hope he didn't video in the closets... that's not going to sell this house very quickly. link to come soon, this ought to be interesting...

so this is what a lobotomy feels like.

i have been such a fuck up lately. really. i'm, like, out-of-control-fuck-up-ness. (not really a word, but i heart hyphens.) i've just been a fucking train wreck, thinking that i'm making a big mistake. and i've been hearing that i'm making a huge mistake. people that aren't even in the know are telling me i'm making a mistake. people are literally telling me how screwed up my thinking is. and all the while, i've been nodding and smiling and thinking, you know, maybe you're right...

but you know what? you're not. you have no idea. tonight i received confirmation - verbal confirmation from all parties involved - that decisions made and being made are in fact the right ones. we finally talked, f.e. and i, and i came out and told him how i felt. i told him that it's not fair of me to ask him to wait around while i figure out what it is i want in life. and he agreed. and i told him that if i have to figure out what i want in life, chances are, it's not him. and he agreed. i'm not going to tell you that i'm not sad. f.e. is overall a good guy. but he's not good for me. i'm not good for him. we both deserve better than what the other has to offer. we both want more than what the other is willing to give. he wants conformity, i want spontanaity. i want passion and romance and desire, he wants love. and while the two of us are very different in many respects, we're quite alike in that we're not willing to bend and change and give in for the sake of something less than perfect. i know there is no perfect person out there - i know that. but i want more. i love him - i love him for his tenacity and his desire to better himself and his life - but that's not enough for me. i don't love him for the right reasons and that's not fair to anyone involved.

so. i'm sad. i'm human and i'm sad. i'm sad that i'm not able to make this work. i'm sad that at one time, i truly felt as though this was my forever and ever and so on and so forth. i'm sad that i had to be the one to bring our faults to light; i'll be the one charged with relationship murder in the eyes of all our friends and family. i'm sad that this isn't my white picket fence, 2.3 children, dog in the yard, end-all, be-all of relationships. isn't that what we all want in the end? but deep down, way down, i know that this is the right decision. and while it hurts, it's good for me. i don't know what the future holds, but i know this is the first step in finding out what i really want and what i really need. you know, i've never really known me, me alone, me without a significant other? i've never had the opportunity to survive on my own? to fail? to thrive? to be alone? perhaps i'll be good at it. and maybe i won't. but i get to find out and that's sort of exciting. and scary and sad, all wrapped up in one. but it does hurt...

you know, the thing is, i want the white picket fence and the 2.3 children and the big family dinners and the whole nine yards. i want that. but he doesn't. he's made that clear since i met him, and his wants have become my wants and i've put aside the things that are important to me. i don't like who i am when i'm around him. i don't like the negativity and the constant, constant bickering. i don't like the person this relationship has forced me to become. there is more to life than this. i need to remember that.

tomorrow the realty company is coming to take video of the house for the online listing. how strange. they're going to do one of those virtual reality tours - but it's in my house. people will be able to see my things. online. hmmm.... i'm not really okay with this, but what do you do? the house has to go, there's no way i can afford to live here, just no way. i do love this house though. that's another thing that makes me sad. :(

i wish it were november. first off, it would be cold. i love winter. i love being cold. i love my winter clothes and boots and coats and gloves and hats and red noses and the smell in the air when it finally gets cold. it smells clean. it smells good. things look clearer on the first chilly day - literally and figuratively. but beginning in november i can put in for other jobs within the company. and maybe i can get out of the area and get on with my life. maybe then it won't hurt so bad. new faces, new responsibilities, new, new, new. maybe that's what i need. or maybe i just need another night of heavy drinking. that seems to make it all go away, at least on a short term basis...

i write this for me. i write all this for me. but it's come to my attention that there are people who read this. a lot. everyday. it can't be that interesting. who are you? i'm curious... say something.

dance with me in a grocery store and lie me down on a bed of raw vegetables

so much for going to bed early. i was going to be good. yeah. that didn't happen. i am sleepy. quite sleepy. i'll write more about what a fabulous day (and night) this turned out to be in the a.m. for right now, i think i'll go to bed now. gnite. :D

help me tom cruise! help me oprah winfrey!

all those poor dudes, buying strategically ripped low cut man jeans from hollister, thinking that it's going to make their package look bigger, when in fact they just have very well endowed mannequins. that leaves like a whole generation with crushed egos. and i have to be the one to break it to them... it's hard being me, you have no idea.

somebody thought it would be funny to strip down all the plastic people in front of hollister last night at the mall. this just cracked me up. mothers were covering the eyes of small children. teenyboppers were staring and pointing. and then there's me with my stupid camera phone. it was just too funny to pass up. hehehehehe...

i heart my cell phone. i do. but the opportunity has come up for me to exchange my phone for pink. or blue. or black. or silver. or, i can have the slvr as opposed to the razr. i'm just so confused. but i asked when my contract expired so that i won't get zinged with a terminiation fee and they're like, um, actually, it expired yesterday. and i was all, nice. and they can transfer all my data, but not my ringtones. and that makes me sad. and unhappy. :( so i may get a new phone sometime soon. that would take care of that urge i've been having to spend an absurd amount of money.

last night roberto and i went to see talladega nights. i know. i'm a little behind everyone else. everyone else was going to see some muthafuckin' snakes on a muthafuckin' plane. i just couldn't bring myself to spend 8.25$ to hear that line when really, i think that's the whole movie right there. however, ricky bobby cracked me up. professor dickhead. dr. quinn and medicine woman. i piss excellence. omg. i was in tears almost the entire time. and jamal at the theatre makes a mean iced caramel macchiatto, in case you're interested. yum.

the first rule about fight club...

so. roberto and i will be nyc-bound in less than four weeks. i need to sell a kidney in order to fund this trip. does anyone know of anyone looking for a kidney? i'd let it go cheap... anywho. roberto wants to go to flight club. i thought he said fight club, and i was all, the first rule about fight club is don't tell loren about fight club, but he called me a retard and promptly corrected me. flight club is some sort of shoe orgy thing they gots going on over by nyu. roberto is beside himself just thinking about it. me? i've got to get to the swatch store in times square. plus, i was afraid that my hiking in the hills of heidi trip might be x-nayed due to lack of companionship but i think i've got ua christy talked into going with me. we're going to eat cheese and ski in october. that about covers it, no other plans. i'll buy watches of course, but i don't think she shares this obsession. why switzerland? well, with all the crazy shit going on in the world, i think it's good to go somewhere neutral. neutral = safe. plus, they speaka some-a english, which is good, because the only foreign language i speaka is drunken spanish and i don't think that will bode well over there. i know just enough to get by: aeropuerto, hamberguesa, bano, cervesa. airport, hamberger, bathroom, beer. i'll never die in mexico. and i'll get to work. but the other reason for going to switzerland is obviously swatch watches. i want to come home with like 17 new swatch watches. oooh, that makes me hot just thinking about it. not that i wear the 100 i have now. i only wear like two. but that's not the point. one day they will be worth millions and i will retire on my swatch watch fortune. or, i'll be 90 years old and my arms and legs will be covered in swatch watches, trying to keep warm, since i don't have any money for food or clothing because i spent it all on stupid fucking plastic watches with fornicating bunnies on the wristbands. oh well. 90 years old, living on the street, freezing to death and covered in swatch, i'll still be too cool for school.... so. yankees. flight club. (not fight club, but if we could find one, i'm game for spectatorship, which is all mr. willett, my junior high gym teacher said i was good for anyway. i actually got the award for best spectator at the yearly award ceremony. in fact, i was such a shitty gym class student, i got that fucking award two years in a row. he said he'd never seen anyone put forth the creativity in finding excuses to skip gym class and that if i'd only applied that energy to passing the presidential fitness exam or what the fuck ever it was called, i'd have been a stellar student. fucking dick. but i digress...) and swatch. umm, what else? me no se. to be continued...

oh. by the way. if anyone knows how to make my car quit speaking all crazy-like. let me know. it's sort of pissing me off and i can't make it stop.

i don't speaka thisa language

my car is trying to tell me something. i have no idea what. i can't make it stop talking all foreign.

new me

a new look. a new me. takes care of that not-so-fresh-feeling... :D

i ♥ bendy straws and baseball boys

brooksie is officially 21. last night we celebrated this fact in each of the four bars in chariton. some were fun, others were not so fun, one was so great we went twice. i have a serious fascination with baseball players - especially really tall ones. misty made me go home with her, i think otherwise i would have gone home with him... :D i think i'd like to see more of him - i wonder if that chance will arise? hmmm.... so. brooksie provided each of us with our own bendy straw to carry from bar to bar, and while they're not too handy with shots, they did make drinking out of small glasses more fun. and they were great conversation starters. there are all sorts of pictures, pictures that shouldn't be published, anywhere, ever, but i have a feeling they will eventually surface, probably years from now, when i'm campaigning for public office. i had a great time, even though my cell phone will not make international phone calls and we were not able to reach t-roy. i met a lot of cracked out people, but i'm telling you, that baseball player was beautiful. i heart baseball players. oh yes. especially that one.

but the evening would not be complete without a perplexing conversation with a two-legged, yellow-bellied individual i like to call "boy." boy, this one's for you. i don't understand what's up with you. really. i'm not looking for commitment. i really don't even want to serve you tuna casserole anymore - i don't even want to starch your socks - you've sucked all the fun out of that for me. i just don't understand how one person can swing so far - from hot to cold - in a matter of minutes. are you on drugs? have you considered it? it might mellow out your mood swings. you think i'm just a spoiled little girl - the bored and horny housewife. but i'm not filling you full of crap - what i told you was the truth. i'm leaving him. we're selling the house. and he strongly dislikes you. i'm sorry you don't believe what i say; if not believing makes it easier to deny my friendship, well, i can't change that. but i am disappointed in you. if nothing else, i thought we could be friends. but if this is it, that's great. it's been fun.

remember my random encounter? as it turns out, me and brooksie have something in common. hopefully, it wasn't on the same night. but, random encounter dude has a wife and kids. and he lives in dsm. a little too close to home. yikes...

i got the new york dilemma solved. craiger and i will be gracing the city that never sleeps with our presence come 16sep06. this will be fun.

i so love thunderstorms. i didnt want to get out of bed this morning.

excuse me while i kiss this guy

i'm tired but unable to sleep. i've got a lot on my mind. i didn't make it to the fair, that's not first and foremost on my mind, but something i can talk about. i talked about going with a couple people from work but the time came and went and i found that i just couldn't muster the energy to go. there's always next year. the corndogs and root beer will be the same, i'm sure. life will go on.

i have yankees-red sox tickets for sept. 17 at yankee stadium. do i sell or do i go? if i go, i have to find someone to go with me. if i sell, i need to hurry up and get it done so i can get them in the mail. i'm dying to go to yankee stadium - i've never been to new york and i want to see old yankee stadium while i still have the chance. and i want to see my lovaboy kyle farnsworth in pinstripes just one more time... *sigh* what's a girl to do? anyone know of anyone that would buy yankees-red sox tickets? anyone want to go to a game?

so i'm having a particularly strong urge to go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money. money that i don't really have, that doesn't really belong to me. (ha. that's the perfect kind of money to spend, honestly...) except i don't really need anything and i'm sure i'll only come home with more of the same. as if i need more br jeans and jcrew shirts. well, of course i could always use more br jeans and jcrew shirts - in maui i bought the most adorable br cropped jeans, they are so comfortable i can sleep in them and the only reason i know this is because i have done this a couple of times. which is good, because they cost me a fucking arm and and a leg and i had to sign over rights to my first born child in the event that i ever push one out. they were that expensive. :D but they're so perfect and they're amazingly worn but not too worn. rob was like, you spent how much on ripped jeans? they're not fucking authentic? but he wears women's pants, and dirty ones at that (dirty pants, not dirty women, well, i guess i don't know that, so never mind) so his opinion doesn't really count.

but really, i have so many repeats it's beyond pathetic. in fact, it's time to sell and not to buy. i have a ton of stuff to sell on ebay, but no motivation to do it. except to make room for the new stuff i want to buy and don't have room to store. hehehehe... i quit carrying my really nice purse to work - my beautiful coach purse with the snakeskin trim, oh it makes me hot just thinking about it - because people were looking at me funny. it's a well known fact that we [airline agents] don't make a lot of money, so people think i got a baby daddy. and i think it's funny, so i don't correct them. little do they know, i just budget quite poorly and put off making my car payment for awhile and stored up my "allowance" in order to buy it. but it's looking so sad in the closet it may be time to break it out and put it to use again... i can't stand a sad looking coach purse, especially when it's mine.

tomorrow. me, miss-t, missy and brooksie are getting drunk. in. public. i don't want brooke to leave! the mere prospect makes me sad, especially since i haven't learned her neat-o burrito bar tricks! :( miss-t is having sock starching issues, as am i, and i'm sure this will be among the topics of conversation tomorrow. however, we'll be speaking in pig latin to keep others from obtaining too much information. i'm not too excited about some people going along, but since i'm not the one organizing the going away party i can't complain too much.

things that are currently annoying superjanel:

*i left the bathroom light on and i'm too lazy to get up and turn it off because the fan is on and it's kind of cold in here and i've already taken my slippas off and i'll be brr...

*i left my clothes in the dryer and that means that tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn i'll have to retrieve them in my skivvies

*fat eddy is still sleeping on the fucking sofa. fat eddy won't get out of my fucking face...he's always there. i offered to send his big dumb ass to denver this weekend and he won't fucking go. grrr...

*my saturday plans have been cancelled and i'm already bored and it's nowhere near saturday... maybe i'll scratch that cs i did at work so i don't have to work until noon on saturday and then i can drink more on friday with fewer repercussions. hmmm...

*i've lost one of my all-time-favorite pink and green striped socks and i think the culprit is not the butler in the library with the candlestick but that adorable f.w.p. bastard dog.

*i need to get my eyebrows waxed bad. and a pedicure. and a bikini wax. and a haircut. and a highlight. i need a spa day! where's my phone? oh bella, oh how i love you... now there's where i can spend an outrageous amount of money and technically come home empty handed. no one has to know i just spent 600$. except me. and courtney. and she's not talking. she's the shit. she digs weezer and bad jokes and she has kick ass hair and i love her.

okay. i'm tired and i'm babbling and i need to go get my laundry and get ready to get up at the ass crack of dawn. for some stupid ass reason i agreed to work 0600-1900 tomorrow, and then i'm getting drunk. in. public. i so need a martini or 12 or 16. i wonder who will drive my stupid ass home? maybe i'll just stay at misty's. i better undo that work on saturday morning thing.

that's a lot of pudding

does anyone else remember this show? i loved this show and it just sort of went away...

i heart ice cream. tonight i drove to the ice cream store - all the way in pella - just to have mint cookie dough ice cream. tomorrow night i want to go to the fair after work, but i have to find someone to go with me. all i want is a corndog! anyone reading this that wants to go to the fair let me know. i'm jonesing for a corndog in a severe fashion.

i need a day off

i want a day off. but i want a day off when no one else is home and i can do what i want. i want to sit at home and do nothing but watch dog the bounty hunter... i want to sleep until noon... i want to go to pella and let my mom force feed me chicken sandwhiches and ice cream until i think i may burst... i want to take a bubble bath with my new coconut bath bubbles... i want to wash my car... i want to spend the day in my pajamas... but i have to be at work in two hours and three minutes. so i can only daydream for 23 more minutes before i have to get in the shower or i'll be late.

dog the bounty hunter. that show cracks me up. that dude's hair cracks me up. i ended up watching the one where he got married to his long time common law wife and i've been addicted to this crap ever since. i think the tivo is full of dog. and the office. oh! and gene simmon's family jewels. that's some funny stuff. apparently i'm not lacking for too much me time, if i can watch all this television. you want to know what's pissing me off though? the tivo is in the living room, where it's always been, and fat eddy won't move his fat ass so i can get to my stuff. bastard. he keeps sleeping on the sofa, even though rob is gone and the sheets are clean in the spare bedroom. how freaking rude is that? that, and oh, this made me really mad, he's been using my computer lately because he's too lazy to go get his. get away from my shit, arseface. what's mine is mine and what's yours is...well, it's prolly mine too.

ugh. 18 minutes. so i was offered full time at work and i turned it down. i can get 65 hours a week as part-time and i can pick and choose when i want to work and where. why would i put myself at the bottom of the list as full time and not get any of my cs's approved?? nuh-huh. not happening. sure, the insurance is cheaper as full time, but i bet i can get myself covered through other means and still not have to pay as much.

friday: it's brooksie's going away party. she told miss-t that she wanted to go to a pub and so far that's all i know. i guess that's all i need to know. poor me, i have to work at 0700 on saturday morning. i should say poor coworkers. :D my all-time favorite thing that brooksie ever said: port-a-loo. that's awesome. that and she can open beer bottles with her eye. remember that commercial for foster's: "keeper"? that's all i could think of when i watched her do that... it was hysterical. she's the coolest...

7 minutes. ugh. oh! so i missed the dildo party last week - thanks dfw rampers - but have no fear. lindsey is going to become a consultant and therefore has to have a "coming out" party in september... yay me! i may make a new friend afterall... :D however, i did place an order from the catalog. but what a bizaare business. i don't have any problem talking in front of people but i still don't think i could hold up a vibrator and lecture on the proper way to use it. and keep a straight face. that takes a *special* kind of person.

3 minutes. ok. time to go. i've put it off long enough.

cheers to you, darling...

see? ask and you shall receive. this one's for you. no names necessary, you know who you are. sometimes not seeing your name in print is just as exciting as actually seeing it. i heart secrets.

i can be nice

i'll take back some of the mean things i said. but since you didn't know that i said them it really doesn't do me much good, except to make me feel better about me, which is always a faboulous feeling. but don't expect this everytime. some days i don't want to be nice. you just happened to catch me on a good day...

august 26: me and the girls are shaking our asses in dallas. where, how, when, with whom, i don't know and i don't really don't care. i am so looking forward to this excursion. i must work 12 hour days between now in order to earn the pesos to fund this excursion - first class from maui eats into an already nonexistant paycheck, it was a little painful to see that one. the next one should be kosher. lemon drop martinis, here i come. green shirt = i want to smack your ass, texas ranger... plus, we're going to need bail money for donella. this is going to be great. i hope the random person she chooses is a dude, it will make the vagina story that much better. :D

my friends

in the last couple of weeks, i've reached out to a lot of people. by nature, i'm not a needy person and i detest asking for help. but lately, i've had a lot on my mind and it's hard to keep it all in. so i've turned to some people - some really off the wall people - to try and make sense of it all. and i have found that i have some really amazing friends. and some really not-so-amazing acquaintances, but let's focus on the positive for right now. in the last few weeks, i've had more offers for emergency room trips, girls nights out, shoulders to cry on, basements to live in and beds to crash in - i just know some incredible people and that is such a great feeling. even though i have moments when i feel like i am among the most ignored person on the planet, i am fully aware that i have people who love me. *sigh* it's good to be the janel. now, about those people that are not-so-amazing, i've found that they pretty much just all around suck and there's not a thing i can do about it. so i've stopped caring, or at least tried to. but it's hard to take rejection from someone who claimed to be a friend and really wanted nothing to do with you than to fuck with your head. but what do you do? you chalk it up to being naive and learn to keep your mouth shut, no matter how much it hurts.

so. stepping down from that soapbox, let me tell you about my ass. it fucking hurts. i have such a bruise where i got my shots the other night - i look as though i've had my patootie kicked by a midget. it hurts to sit. it hurts to stand. i have to sleep on my stomach. owie. :( and just in general, i am covered in bruises. my job kicks my ass everyday. i am black and blue in places that luggage should not reach but apparently does. but isn't there a saying about pain building character? maybe it was scar tissue, i just don't remember. :)

houseguests. i suck at having them. either i'm turbo-freakaloid-bitch and i scare them away or i'm distant-never-around-cold-shoulder-bitch and then i think i still scare them away. i can't win. the houseguest that has been present en la casa de la mason since tuesday is actually not that bad, but then again, i wasn't around for most of his stay. someone had to go out and earn money to contunue to make the housepayments for this joint. oh, wait, that's not me either. hehehehe... anyway. the guest was nothing short of highly entertaining. i've heard more cheap trick than i believe the average person should be subjected to in a week's time. and i've been asked some interesting questions. but as of today, the guest is gone, the room is eddy's and the f.w.p. is sleeping in his cage again. the world is right, as right as it's going to be right now.

superjanel vs. the bee

and the bee fucking won. oh, did he ever. i so got my ass kicked by this cute little flower-loving bumble bee. curious as to how this happened? let me enlighten you.

so. superjanel gets home from work, after dealing with jackass passengers and their heavy ass shit all day long. she's really in no mood for anything, but fluffy white puppy has to go outside - it's the routine. [who am i to deny him his outside time?] so they go outside and he proceeds to freak out, running and barking and growling and chasing his tail, and she eventually tires of chasing f.w.p. and sits down in the yard.

on. a. fucking. bumble. bee.

superjanel got stung in the ass by a big ass - large, huge, ginormous - bumble bee. and as if that weren't insulting enough, the damn bee didn't die. nope. he lived long enough to sting her again - in the crick of her elbow. bastard fucking bee. now is a great time to inform our lovely readers that superjanel is deathly allergic to bees. and wasps. and hornets and so on and so forth. last time she was stung was in like the seventh grade or some shit like that and it was ugly. really ugly.

anyway. let's continue. almost instantly, her ankles started to swell and then her calves, and then her wrists and hands and her face and throat. remember that show, life goes on? the one with the retarded kid corky? when this happens to superjanel, she looks like corky. in fact, let's call her corky for the remainder of this story. so corky attempts to round up the dog because she has to do one of two things. stab herself in the thigh with her epi pen or go to the er at the lovely local infirmary, where people go to die. so, after chasing the dog (who won't come to her because he doesn't recognize her tweaked out voice or her freaky-ass face), she gets in the car and finds the epi pen. however, she doesn't have the balls (literally and figuratively) to stab herself in the thigh. so corky drives her pathetic swelling ass to the er, announces to the nurse on duty, "i got thtung by a bee" and has to get at least four shots - IN THE ASS - to get the swelling to go down. corky stopped counting at four, but thinks it was about seven.

seven shots in the ass. seven. i have a very popular ass this year. everytime i get sick or whatever, i have to have a shot in the ass. texas. iowa. it doesn't matter anymore. whatever i get, the fucking cure is a shot in the ass. unfortunately i'm comfortable when anyone tells me to drop my drawers... well. not anyone. well, some people. others i could get comfortable with easily. :D

anyway. it was perfectly awful. terrible. everyone i told, with the exception of fat eddy, was sympathetic and shocked. brent introduced a bee clause into our kidney failure/concussion contract (isn't that sweet?) and what did my dear, dear, soon to be ex-husband do? fat eddy just grunted. I COULD HAVE DIED and he just grunted. "huh." fucker. i hate him and his stupid ass. "huh." i'll show you "huh," fucktard. grrrr...

i slept in this morning, as long as f.w.p. would let me, and i still don't feel quite right, but at least my face isn't fat and swollen like it was last night. that was terrible. i won't get to sleep in tomorrow, at all, or the next day - i've picked up lots of hours on my days off so i don't have to be home. it sucks being home. i hate being here, but i would have to agree with the advice i've been given that if i leave first i'm likely to get screwed in the proceedings to follow. while i don't expect to receive much, i would like to get out and be okay. so i'll stay and make the fucker miserable. ...how is this different from everyday life? i'm not sure. but i guess i'm waking up with this specific goal instead of just dumb lucking into it. hehehehehe...

have you ever been sniffed by a bomb dog?

i was, today. i don't think he was sniffing me for bombs. i think he was just sniffing my crotch. it was still a little unnerving, since he was wearing his official yellow jersey of the des moines police department. work was crawling with bomb dogs and cops and reporters... as if there's really a chance of terrorism in des moines (i mean, really, come on), but they're doing they're jobs and freaking out the passengers. it was great. it was phenomenal. then i nearly got in a fist fight with a huge pregnant woman. it's not often that i want to deck our passengers but she severely needed her ass kicked, just for a) being stupid and 2) not getting out of my way. but instead of bodily harm, i defeated her mentally and used big words and watched her waddle away with her big fat pregnant belly. bitch. ugh. see? it's reasons like that, like her, that i am never having children. it's not my fault that she's about 74 months into her pregnancy - she obviously has the gestation period of a tyrannosaurus rex - and has the hormones to accompany it. i will never put anyone i know through that sort of hell.

and because i'm still wired from work and 18 glasses of iced tea i had at dinner with donella this evening, i want to share a conversation that i had with a passenger today.
passenger: well, why can't chicago just send my bag with me on my flight?
superjanel: you're telling me that you want a ramper to go into the bag room in chicago, one of the biggest hub cities from which we operate, and find your black rollaboard suitcase?
passenger: is that so hard?
superjanel: i know you've never been to a bag room, and especially not in chicago, so let me put it to you this way. imagine the deepest darkest depths of hell...
passenger: ...and?
superjanel: and then add to that thousands and thousands of black rolling suitcases that all look just like yours.
(passenger is quiet and then eventually walks away from my fucking counter because he realizes he is a fucking idiot and i am intellectually superior and if he continues to talk i will defeat him in front of god and everyone.)
i love my job. :D

i was supposed to go to a dildo party this evening. yeah, i didn't make it. not that i didn't want to, i was sort of looking forward to meeting a new friend (hehehehe...). but one of my freaky leads from work was going to be there and i don't want to be picking out a new friend in front of her, and then i got buried in bags and didn't leave anywhere near on time. so i didn't go. instead i went grocery shopping for someone else (the nerve!) and ate dinner with a pal at spaghetti works. i love hot naked from spaghetti works. yum.

i can't decide what's worse...

...let's say someone had a random encounter with a random dude. it wasn't a full blown encounter, but it was an encounter. let's say the someone sort of knows who the dude was but is not entirely sure due to extenuating circumstances (cap'n n' coke maybe?), however pending events ensure that an upcoming meeting is eminent and unavoidable. so what's worse: not being able to recognize this person when that meeting occurs and having to be reminded of said encounter or recognizing the person immediately? you know what i think would be the worst option? if the wrong person found out. fuck. but of course, this is just hypothetical and you don't know who i am. :D

so. i'm in the process of finding a roommate. i've found a chica in wdm that has a townhouse she just bought, as well as one in ankeny. plus, there's a girl i know that's moving into an apt at 36/grand, that may work out. i'm not excited about moving and leaving everything here, but i'm anxious to get out and get on with my life. this is just weird. like today, eddy calls and he's all, 'rob's here, should we go back to sharing a room while he's here' ummm, no. ummm, hell no. i love rob and i know he's an artist and he's sensitive :) but we're going to have to fill him in sooner or later. so if he finds fat eddy sleeping on the sofa so be it. it doesn't break my heart.

tomorrow i'm going to a dildo party. i may come home with a new best friend. named b.o.b. or king tut II. hehehehehe... sorry, random dude that i think i may know. i may not need you or your services in the future. :D

what's old is new and so on and so forth...

how bizaare. everytime i have a life altering decision to make regarding relationships, someone in my family gets married. no joke. it should be a sign. today, my mom came out and said she didn't think i'm meant to be married. she said that she thinks i enjoy the challenge and the conquering, and then once i have whatever it is that i wanted, i get bored. she's right. i know she's right. it just sounds so bad. is there something in particular that i'm looking for? how will i ever know? i'm sad, but not about the actual relationship. i think in my heart i've known for a long time that we're nurturing something non-existant. but the idea that i've failed at something - something that i want so bad - that hurts me. we could have been a great couple. but something is missing here and i want it, i deserve it. i just can't tell you what really it is. :(

and so now we're left wondering what happens to all our stuff - that's all that's left after the dust clears, the stuff. possessions. what's mine is mine and what's his is... well, it used to be mine, but i'd be willing to bet that won't be the case much longer. and this is the hard part, the part that makes me wish i were willing to put up with the boredom and indifference. because this is the part that sucks. fighting over the stupid stuff. whose money was spent. what bills belong to whom. who gets the cat. who gets the dog. who stays in the house, who moves along. i want to leave. i don't want to be here anymore. but there are things that i want to take with me when i go and i'm afraid there's going to be serious confrontation about them. i know that he's going to treat me like he treated ex-business partner scott once it was revealed that scott was venomous to the relationship. he's going to build a case against me and try to convince me that it's in my best interest to leave quietly and empty handed. truth be told, i haven't been that bad to him. i could have been much, much worse. i just want what i'm entitled to. and quickly. i want it all to go away.

what a shitty day to have to go to a wedding shower. the bride's all happy and the groom's all happy and the parents are all happy and there's presents and cake and really yummy ham (cake and ham are actually not shitty, i was pretty pleased with that, but they needed mixed nuts and milk, i was hungry for mixed nuts and milk) and it's all swell, except for the fact that i'm wallowing in my own sorrow, all the while managing to look incredibly cute in my pink and green shirt - i love this shirt - because i am a relationship failure. really, i think if they'd had nuts and milk i'd have been kosher.

i'm going to be a trapeze artist

this whole thing is going to give me an ulcer. but he's gone until late tonight, so i get to sleep in the bed, as long as i get there first. i can't imagine he'll try to join me, how weird would that be. i just want out. i want to go away. i want this whole thing to go away. i want to be done with it all. and then i want to run away and join a convent. or a circus. whatever.

the cat's out of the bag

it's a good thing i love my sofa. i'm going to be spending a lot of time there. unless i can get to the bedroom first, but i hate coming home and i don't think that will be happening. i told him i wanted to leave. he said he didn't love me. it didn't feel like i thought it would but then i didn't really know what to expect. now what, superiorjanel? i really don't know. i just had to verbalize it, it was taking up too much energy holding it all in. and now it's out and i just feel indifferent at this point. isn't that awful? i must be an awful terrible person, not to feel anything. aren't i supposed to be crushed? i'm a failure at relationships. i suck at commitment. yet i can continue about my merry way. there's something wrong with me. honestly, you know what? i feel okay. i feel almost better than okay. having this off my chest and in the air, it's like we're finally acknowledging the giant elephant in the corner that's been there forever. i still don't know what i'm going to do with myself (is anyone looking for a roommate?) but i feel okay.

not even close

this makes my thumbs hurt just thinking about it.

stuff gets in the way

so last night i got uugof back from karl. yeehaw. although he feels a bit like driving a tank, it's nice to have him back, dent free and with four round tires. that's always a plus, i hear it makes driving easier. :D

so yesterday i told eddy i didn't love him. and he laughed. obviously he thought i was joking otherwise i think he would have taken it a little differently. i tried to tell him last night that we need to talk but all he wants to talk about is the dog. i just don't the dog makes for good relationship glue. i take that back. we also discussed the upcoming nationals, his new job as radio commentator and ♥kasey kahne♥, who is borrowing old man's open trailer for race car hauling around kville next week. so after all that, i didn't really have any energy left for discussing how miserable i am in my everyday life and i was sort of preoccupied with daydreams (and night dreams, hehehehhe....) of kasey kahne... yum. but it's going to have to be done. i haven't worn my wedding ring in about two weeks and that's not bothering me a bit. i couldn't tell you if it's bothering him becuase 1) i haven't asked, and 2) i don't care. i need to get away from here, this isn't healthy.

do you need a tampon for your forehead?

i think i gave brent a concussion. i'd like to say that for hitting me in the **new** tattoo, we're even, but unfortunately the pain he caused me i'm sure doesn't even register in comparison to the pain i caused him. i seriously thought he was going to need stitches to close the vagina on his forehead, but it stopped bleeding. i gave him my whole tube of neosporin and maybe i'll take him some gauze tomorrow. i do feel bad. really, i do. but goddamn it, don't hit me in the tattoo. ugh. in my defense, because someone needs to come to my defense here, i was assisting him in the moving process. just me. i'm scratched and banged up as well, so don't go feeling all sorry for him. his new apartment is really cool, the view is quiet nice. note to self: keep an eye out for set of four red vinyl spinning retro barstools on ebay. he'd better not sell those.